8-yr old DD hates school WWYD?

[ClawedButler]

For some time my DD has told us that she hates school. Every morning we get the same dawdling and "can't find my x" and sulks, it's so upsetting for me and for her. DH loses his patience with her and they end up shouting at each other, which upsets us all even more.
She tells us that she doesn't have any friends. She did have a bestie until recently, but she's gone off with someone else and DD has been asking what it is she does that makes people not like her anymore. It's heartbreaking.

I would really appreciate any strategies or book recommendations to move forward with this, as it's just not getting any better. She's miserable, and I'm miserable with worry about her.

Have you spoken to her teacher? That would be my first port of call.

Yeah definitely speak to teacher. At this age friendships affect the desire to want to attend school so much, maybe the teacher could encourage some children to be kinder to your DD

I did speak to her year 3 teacher at the end of last term, and she was really surprised to hear this. She said that DD always seemed very happy in school, lots of friends, and was beginning to focus better and was improving. So I am at a bit of a loss really.
She's now got a new teacher of course, so he will only have known DD for a couple of weeks, is it worth talking to him so early?

I’d take my DDs word over that of the teacher in regards to friends and happiness at school. Most of my DC were bullied at one point or another and teachers were often clueless that it was going on. If your DD is disliking school so much that it is causing her to shout and fight going, then you need her to tell you honestly what is going on. I have moved my DC to new schools due to bullying and it was the best thing for them.

Yeah I would still talk to him, he'll be able to see if anything is going on etc and help going forward.

Does the school have a pastoral/well-being person? I would ask about this and also be speaking to the teacher to make them aware.
Friendship groups do change round and it can be tough for them. I don't think your DH should be shouting at her, even if she's being difficult. She's having a hard time and has confided this to you, she's clearly finding school mornings hard and anxiety will manifest as sulking, moody, dawdling etc. It's hard I know, especially when they need to be out the door! But I'm sure she would respond better with a hug and words of encouragement.

Yep definitely worth talking to the news teacher so he can keep an eye on things going forward.

I would start by telling DH to behave himself! He needs to understand that she's upset/scared/worried/lonely and that she needs to feel secure, loved & understood at home - not be shouted at. I get that her behaviour is irritating, but he needs to understand why it's happening.

I would speak to her teacher (today or tomorrow if possible) to see what he's noticed & just to let him know how she's feeling.

Then I'd make time over the weekend, I'd drive to somewhere (just the two of you) that takes a good while to get to and talk to her in the car, it's a giid place as you can avoid eye contact, and they tend to open up more. Try not to 'fill in the gaps' or lead her too much, try to get her to do the talking.

Another thing to try is doing more classes/hobbies/groups out of school so she meets other kids with similar interests & in a different setting.

Plus any other friendships you can enable (not force) like friends kids/cousins etc. Even Children at school she likes but don't seem to notice her, you could see if she wants to invite them home it or do an activity if having them come home feels too worrying for her.

If she just hasn't found her groove yet, I wouldn't change schools, but if there's a good reason she's unhappy & it can't be changed, I wouldn't hesitate to move her or home school (if possible).

I hope things improve soon for her.

Ps. My friends DS was like this, but as soon as he made a friend it turned around overnight!

Best wishes.

Thank you so much for advice - I think I will try to get in touch with the teacher in that case.

I’d speak to the new teacher, ask how they think she’s getting on. Ask if there’s any social groups she could be involved in. After school clubs might be an option?
She’s probably just feeling quite miffed that her friend has gone on with someone else, hopefully the staff supporting new friendships will help a lot.