Difficulties with MIL

[Bobbo1989]

Hi all,

I don't know whether this is a vent more than asking for advice but tonight I'm really struggling...

My MIL has always been difficult - for the decade+ that DH and I have been together she's treated him appallingly, and myself not great either.

Things improved a little once she found out we were trying for a baby last year, and finally fell pregnant just recently giving birth.

Ever since the birth she has been all over us (this is her first grandchild), being overbearing and overwhelming to the point of uncomfortable so that both of us have had to have words asking her to calm down a little bit (which hasnt worked).

The sad thing is, just prior to and worse
since little ones birth she has done nothing but shower us with money and gifts. Now I know this sounds idyllic, however given her past behaviour to both of us over such a long period of time her sudden character transformation has left me feeling stunned and enormously uncomfortable. I don't need tonnes of presents nor offers of help "touch wood you don't have a reaction to your covid vaccine but if you do ring me and I'll come take care of the baby". I think I find this even more difficult because im already extremely close to my parents and always have been, they'd always be the first people I turned to for help aside from DH. I've never once turned to MIL for help - particularly in place of them - and never intend to.

DH however is absolutely lapping it up and has put her on a pedestal; anytime I try to point out how odd this is and uncomfortable it's making me I end up sounding like the wicked witch of the west.

He has admitted today that he's absolutely loving how kind she's finally being to him because for years he's watched her be that kind to other people - relatives, friends etc but never to him, so he's not going to question her motives now. I feel absolutely awful for him but it feels like she's got some sort of spell over him now because of this - he's finally got the attention he's obviously craved off her for years and isn't going to give it up easily, no matter what her motives. He says I just have to accept it, because I don't have a right to say if he should or should not forgive her for her past behaviour.

I just can't bring myself to feel comfortable with this at all - particularly with how over bearing she's being with little one (hard to explain without going into specifics but has included trying to physically take him off me more than once, following me to and standing in front of his cot so that I can't get to him, constantly coming and mooning over his pram just staring for minutes in silence and then offering unwanted advice when she has no idea what she's talking about - eg saying that his baby acne is eczema when 3 different midwives have told us it's baby acne, then having the audacity to ask DH whether I'm being too possessive).

How do I go about dealing with this, because it's coming between DH and I but he's so obsessed that she's an angel all of a sudden, "just an excited grandma" who can do no wrong no matter how suffocating she's being, and feels like she's pretty much bought his affection?!

I feel like I'm losing my husband and every time I go to MILs house I feel physically sick/on edge.

I think I find this even more difficult because im already extremely close to my parents and always have been, they'd always be the first people I turned to for help aside from DH. I've never once turned to MIL for help - particularly in place of them - and never intend to
Poor woman. Nice to know she will never be allowed to become close to her DS's child.Ever heard of a second chance? People can change and can regret previous behaviour.
Knowing the dislike of MIL's by some on MN, you will probably get lots of support.

Ever heard of not judging people when you don't know their circumstances? I've tried to explain as much as I can without spilling my entire life story, but she's tried to break us up several times because she couldn't have her own way, kicked him out the house and been generally awful. She regularly calls her other son a waste of space to my parents, just because he won't care full time for their father who's terminally ill despite her now being retired. I think I'd be wary of someone who behaves like that whether MIL or not, and I don't think I'm unjustified in that either.

It's perfectly normal and natural for a daughter to be closer to her parents than her inlaws Local hobo. I don't know many women who would choose their inlaws over their own family when they want help. Doesn't stop the paternal grandparents having a close relationship with any grandchildren however.

Thank you. If she'd been kinder to us/even just normal over the years I'd not even be thinking of posting this and have no problem with her being around our grandson. But her overbearing and overwhelming actions coupled with her previous behaviour are making me extremely uncomfortable, yet DH can't see the problem with her sudden character transformation and thinks I'm being unreasonable because he's just so happy that she's finally being nice to him - he's fully admitted that tonight. :(

I'm with you OP. I'd find the complete 180 in how she treats you very jarring and unnerving.

I'm a big believer in second chances though so I'd probably just see how it plays out over time.

Perhaps it's time to separate what happened in the past with her wanting to have a relationship with your child. She sounds like she just wants to be part of her grandchild's life and maybe wants a chance to prove she can be a good grandparent. A baby can never have to much love and as much as I understand she annoys you, she is your child's grandmother just as much as your parents. Be firm with clear boundaries but she sounds like she just loves your son, her grandson.

Thank you - I am really trying when I'm around her to not be hostile and am even having counselling sessions to see if there's any coping mechanisms I can use to deal with this new behaviour for DHs' sake, but it's not going to be a quick fix after over a decade of ill treatment. I'd give anything to have a normal MIL that I could have a lovely relationship with, and one who treats my DH with the love he dearly deserves.

I really am making an effort to try and put it in the past, however hard it might be - and believe me the amount of things she's done it is extremely difficult. But I'm just frustrated that it feels she's trying to buy DHs affection now when she's never once treated him right all the time I've known him, and suddenly I'm being unreasonable for questioning why the change. I'm uncomfortable someone who behaves like this being around my child - perhaps it's my autism struggling to put together the whys, I don't know. She's certainly never shown my DH any love before.

@LocalHobo

I think I find this even more difficult because im already extremely close to my parents and always have been, they'd always be the first people I turned to for help aside from DH. I've never once turned to MIL for help - particularly in place of them - and never intend to Poor woman. Nice to know she will never be allowed to become close to her DS's child.Ever heard of a second chance? People can change and can regret previous behaviour. Knowing the dislike of MIL's by some on MN, you will probably get lots of support.

Just print this out and give it to her. Then she will realize that she has no chance to be a real grandmother, since that role is filled by your mother, and will disappear and leave you with your family of choice. Would it be ok with you if she kept giving your baby money? Maybe she could pay for visits?

What a bizarre, passive aggressive comment.

OP I know where you are coming from. The personality transplant that has occurred is very jarring. I’d suggest you take a step back and just watch how things play out. Maybe she genuinely is remorseful about her I’ll treatment of your DH in the past and is now, in her own, misjudged way, trying to make amends.

@georgiagirl52 What a weird comment.

OP, I think you need to fix on a calm consistent approach to your MIL's overbearing change of heart, and try to take out some of the resentment.

I'd be firm about when she visits your home, ie only when your dh is there, or on your invitation. Would it be easier for dh to take ds to visit MIL at the weekend and give you a couple of hours off. Do you need to go too if it makes you uneasy?

Can you put gifts of money aside in an account for ds for when he needs school trips or other major expenses.

Your dh is right, you don't have the right to interfere in his relationship with his mum, but equally, she doesn't have a say in how you care for your child or who you turn to for help. Trust is earned and if her past behaviour has caused you to be less comfortable with her, she has a way to go before you are likely to trust her as much as your own mum. That's perfectly normal.

Hopefully she'll calm down over time.

Yes, I'm not quite sure how to take the comment above yours. I've made it quite clear that I don't accept affection that is bought.

I think I'll be going back to my counsellor to see if there's any way I can work through this resentment, but frankly telling her son that she thinks I'll leave him and take half his money (I'm not from quite as wealthy a background as him but for an large portion of our relationship I earned more and supported him financially, not that she cares) so didn't like me because of this. Despite it being her behaviour that broke us up briefly before the wedding. So whenever she keeps showering us with gifts and being sickly sweet all I can keep thinking about is how 6 months ago she made it quite clear that she never liked me and constantly called her son a fat waste of space, now all of a sudden she's acting as though he's the best thing that ever happened to her. She's given me major trust issues, that's for sure. What I'd give to have a normal MIL :(

I would also be very suspicious of this complete about turn and I’d be very wary. It’s understandable that your DH has craved his DM’s love and is now enjoying this new found attention.

You don’t need to be hostile to be wary though. Don’t do visits when your DH isn’t around and as a PP poster said let him take your DC to visit her occasionally without you. He can’t expect you to host her without him and if you’re polite towards her then he shouldn’t complain.

@Bobbo1989

Yes, I'm not quite sure how to take the comment above yours. I've made it quite clear that I don't accept affection that is bought.

I think I'll be going back to my counsellor to see if there's any way I can work through this resentment, but frankly telling her son that she thinks I'll leave him and take half his money (I'm not from quite as wealthy a background as him but for an large portion of our relationship I earned more and supported him financially, not that she cares) so didn't like me because of this. Despite it being her behaviour that broke us up briefly before the wedding. So whenever she keeps showering us with gifts and being sickly sweet all I can keep thinking about is how 6 months ago she made it quite clear that she never liked me and constantly called her son a fat waste of space, now all of a sudden she's acting as though he's the best thing that ever happened to her. She's given me major trust issues, that's for sure. What I'd give to have a normal MIL :(

It’s possible the grandchild has made her reassess her behaviour. Honestly, considering the great relationship you have with your parents, I think you should encourage your DH to build that with his parents. That doesn’t mean you have to get involved - in fact in your position I would let DH take DC to see his mum & manage that relationship fully. I know what it’s like to have a cruel narcissistic parent - surprisingly she is a great grandparent.

@LocalHobo

I think I find this even more difficult because im already extremely close to my parents and always have been, they'd always be the first people I turned to for help aside from DH. I've never once turned to MIL for help - particularly in place of them - and never intend to Poor woman. Nice to know she will never be allowed to become close to her DS's child.Ever heard of a second chance? People can change and can regret previous behaviour. Knowing the dislike of MIL's by some on MN, you will probably get lots of support.

Doubt MIL regrets previous behaviour, she just wants to be way too heavily involved in the baby. Not likely to give two shits about the OP and her DH, it’s all baby baby baby.

OP if your DH is too emotionally damaged by his mother to see why she’s miraculously “changed”, then you need to bring in an external counsellor that you can together talk this through. He’s being a bit of a dick TBH but it’s not terribly surprising that someone who has had a bad childhood wants to erase it. However he has to realise how damaging this will be to his marriage.

MIL hasn’t changed, she just wants access to the baby and is doing whatever it takes to get her own way. Someone like her should just be someone you have a polite one hour visit to a few times a year.

Also if she’s really pretending to be nice to your DH, I bet she would change her tune fast if seeing him only involved occasionally seeing the baby.

I would be worried by the sudden change too. The problem is that every child wants their parent's approval and your dh understandably wants to take this apparent love at face value. I would be concerned that he could be facing real hurt if /when she reverts to her previous behaviour.

All this attention is to gain access to her grandchild so what would happen if you say no to her on anything. If you told her sorry, it isn't convenient for you to visit this weekend as we want time to ourselves how would she react? Would your dh be happy to set boundaries for ALL the gp as to visiting, not trying to grab baby off you and not trying to dictate how you parent? If she stops being kind because you say no to an unreasonable demand or pull her up on an unwanted interference will he back you or give in to keep getting her approval?

From what you have said she has previously shown no respect for her son and an active dislike of you so the only motive I can see for all the gifts now is to get access to her grandson. The money and gifts are a way of manipulating you to get what she wants and can very easily be used to try and control your dh in the future. What kind of relationship is she likely to want with your son? If she was controlling with her children why would it be any different with her grandchild?

Of course she may have changed but pnly timw will tell. I would be wary, agree boundaries with your husband for all family members so it is fair and agree to watch out for red flags that could lead to him or his son being hurt by her. Thongs he won't accept such as derogatory comments sbout you, him or your son for example. You already distrust her so have some protection although she has obviously been cruel to you. Any monetary gifts put in a bank account so that if she turns on you and uses the money she's given you as a weapon you can give it back with interest. Then smile, be polite and reasonable but firm. If she isn't genuine she will show her true colours eventually and you will already have discussed how to handle it with your dh so be in a better position to deal with her.

Your DP is going to get badly hurt and there's nothing you can do about it.

Maintain silent resistance where her over bearing behaviour has an impact on you but don't talk about it as that's clearly counter productive.

Accept that this may develop into a situation where your relationship isn't viable. You can't change it.

Don't fuel the fires yourself.

As your child gets older and bonds with your mil she'll probably feel more ownership and power. She won't need to buy access and won't be incentivised to control her toxic aspects. She'll probably become gradually more audacious and your child will face shifting boundaries with her. Who knows if your DP will wake up at this stage. It seems unlikely if he's so desperate for her love but at some point he will realise all that affirmation has worn off. I don't know if you want to hold out for that.

I can only presume you don’t have an open relationship with MIL so that you can talk to her. We hardly saw my inlaws due to everyone working full time, but once I had my DS my MIL couldn’t stay away and even went part time so she could spend even more time with him. She openly told us that due to having to work all hours when DH was born, she missed out on so much of his growing up, so would like as much involvement with grandchild as possible. It did work out well and we only had a few occasions that we had to deal with a few things that came up.

No real advice from me, but I am sorry that what should be a happy relationship with all, isn’t one.