What would you do in this situation?

[newmum234]

I put my visibly tired 17 month old down for bed at the usual time of 7.30pm.

All quietish from his room until about 7.45, when he starts to cry. Cries for 7 mins, then does a sort of moany tired noise for 3 mins, then goes quiet.

Would you have gone in at the point he was crying or did I do the right thing by waiting to see what happened? I feel really cruel but also think he wouldn’t have settled back down so quickly if I’d gone back in. Just not sure if it’s the right approach (I don’t want to make him anxious that I’ve disappeared and am not coming back or something).

Thoughts appreciated!

It sounds like he's settling himself. Do you have a baby monitor with video so you can see him?

However if he is visibly tired at that time I would try bringing his bedtime forward. If I put my DS to bed after he's tired, he wakes more and earlier in the morning

Thanks! When I say visibly tired, he was quite lively in himself but was also rubbing his eyes a bit.

We do normally have a monitor but it’s currently at my mums house (left it behind last time we stayed). Getting it back next weekend!

I would’ve left him to it too, but on edge just incase.

@FelicityPike thanks - I was hovering outside!

I would've left him.

I think you did the right thing

I listen to the cry and so long as it starts to wind down fairly quickly I don't go in. I would have done the same thing

I would’ve left him too. My DD sometimes (honestly!) liked to cry herself to sleep and there was nothing I could do to settle her, she just needed to cry it out. She’s 3.5 now and still does it on occasion.

I would have left him as well

From the way you’ve written it I assume this is a one off so I personally would have gone in quite quickly because I would have found it unusual for my child to cry and would want to see if there was an obvious reason why and for him to know I’m there. And I would only leave once he was settled.

If it’s a regular thing I probably would still go in. If he was going through an anxious stage then I would stay with him as long as he needed until that phase passed. I just don’t like the thought of leaving my child to cry without any comfort. I’ve been upset recently at a time with no one around to give me a hug and it’s a horrible feeling. And I'm a grown adult. So my child (now 4) will always get comfort whenever he cries for whatever reason.

I know not everyone has this view though. My advice would be do whatever you feel most comfortable with in the moment.

You did the right thing.. it's hard when you second guess yourself as I did this alot but both of mine did the moany cry and then settled down quickly.
Getting them to settle themselves is the best thing you can do for them and you

@islandbeach the problem I’ve had is that when I have gone in straightaway when this has happened before, he’s taken 1-2 hours to settle get to sleep. Sometimes I’ve sat with him for 45 mins after cuddles, he’s been quiet for most of that time, I’ve then discreetly tried to leave the room (thinking he has settled) and he immediately starts crying again when he realizes I’m leaving. By which point it’s like, 9-9.30 at night!

After that happened a number of times I decided to see what happened if I left him to cry and he has almost always settled in under 10 mins (10 is the limit I gave myself, if he was still crying after that amount of time I’d go in).

Taking all that into consideration, I felt the best thing for both of us was to continue with the second approach.

He’s normally a good sleeper and this only happens once every couple of weeks.

Having said all that, the only thing is I do feel so guilty leaving him to cry even for a few minutes and am worried I’m scarring him mentally

Sorry, that should be 1-2 hours to settle and get to sleep

Left him to see what happens. After 5 min intense crying I would have gone in. Moaning not so much!

@Whatelsecouldibecalled I’d say after 5 mins the cry was audibly starting to wind down and became a tired moany noise by 7 mins.

So worried I’ve lost his trust and caused him anxiety by doing this tho

I don’t go in if my baby shouts once or grizzles a bit, but if he actually cries I always go in to him. I’m a soft touch though!

[quote newmum234]@Whatelsecouldibecalled I’d say after 5 mins the cry was audibly starting to wind down and became a tired moany noise by 7 mins.

So worried I’ve lost his trust and caused him anxiety by doing this tho [/quote]
Is he ok during the day? Have you noticed any change in behaviour or towards you?

If not, I really wouldn't worry. You're his mum x

[quote newmum234]@Whatelsecouldibecalled I’d say after 5 mins the cry was audibly starting to wind down and became a tired moany noise by 7 mins.

So worried I’ve lost his trust and caused him anxiety by doing this tho [/quote]
Don't be daft! ((HUG))

You left him to cry it out/work it out for 5 minutes then he calmed down & went to sleep. Perfect. Self settling is an important life skill.

It's not like you left him to cry for hours. 5 minutes then some moaning is totally fine!

I'd have done (and do do) the same. Sometimes they just need a chance to work it all out and more stimulation (i.e. you being there) doesn't help that. I also genuinely believe they are more likely to suffer from 1-2 hours sleep deprivation than 10 minutes crying.

I leave me DS if he wakes up grizzling to see if he settles, I used to run in straight away but then realised this made it worse. I can tell his really upset cry and if he’s just annoyed because he’s woken up and is settling himself.

You’ve answered your own question by saying he takes ages to settle down if you go in.

If it was for that long, I’d have gone in within a minute of him crying. My son is 3 and I still do the same. He sleeps through most of the time now.

I would have gone in the second I heard him crying. I wouldn't leave my DH crying alone in a room, so why would I leave a baby?