3.9 yrd old ds. 9 looooooong months of potty/toilet training and I am out of my bl**dy mind. What else is there to try????

[BernieBear]

I don't know any other mum who has been doing this as long as me and this is a full on heart felt plea from one very very very desperate and teary single mum. My son will wee and poo his pants and does not care. He can do it, he does know when he wants to and has done it when told to go to the toilet/potty (with accompanied tantrums etc. This is what I have tried so far:

cars in a jar
chocolate
loads of praise
charts (endless bloody charts)
stickers
Talking to Health Visitors
Visit from Health Visitors
pasta jars
money

I'm sure there is more but it has been nine months!

According to HV's he is lazy....which I would agree with, as he has gone through stages where he will easily take himself off to the toilet if nothing better is going on. (both asked and of his own accord)

At the moment I am making him go to his room, undress himself (pants/trousers) put them in laundrey basket and put clean ones on, therefore removing him from exciting things going on etc..........and yes you've guessed it, that is not working either.

We currently have a xmas tree with just lights on because he we'ed his pants and I sent him to his room to change but refused. I have said that he can't put decs on tree until he starts using toilet.

Big question: Shall I put him back in nappies? Is it something I am doing wrong? Yes I am getting cross now (at times) but I do try to be patient. Should I be seeing a child behavourist (suggested by my mum - he has no other probs!) I refuse to smack (as was also suggested by my mum but she was a bit to slap happy with me thus my complete disregard for such stuff).

Surely I should be worried about the fact he is not dry at night at this age! To worry about that would be a lovely dream! I don't care if he is still in nappies at night when he is 8, as long he starts using the toilet/potty now.

Does anyone have any ideas at all....anything.....just something......

BBx

Ok. This is very difficult to do, but imo it is the most effective approach to take (dd1 had periods of regression after being succssfully trained)

IGNORE.

It sounds like him peeing and pooing his pants is getting him LOTS of attention. And kids, we are told, like any attention at the end of the day.

Take the pressure off. If he wets or soils, just take him to the loo in a really low-key way and help him change. Don't talk about it or anything. Try to be consistent with this approach and see how it goes.

You have my sympathies, it can be really frustrating. Good luck

Thanks for replying nnb, I completely agree with the ignoring which is why I had taken the whole sending him upstairs to get changed. Thus not paying attention ......although yes, now thinking about it as writing THAT has now become a flash point meaning attention.

The thing is I have tried the whole ignoring approach (about a month if my memory serves me correctly) and it didn't make a difference. BUT I will try again and will be consistent.

Any other ideas I can add to my list? Am off now to iron tomorrows clothes! Grrrrrrrr.

I really am starting to worry that he has a problem....or I do

Please try not to worry too much. If he really did have a problem, the HV would hopefully have picked up on it !

DD1 never soiled, but she went through phases of wetting, sometimes several times a day. Ignoring (or more importantly, not making an issue of it) was the most effective way of dealing with it. And I think in the end she just naturally sorted the whole toiletting thing out herself.

I think we (me and dp) just came to realise that to dd1, in her 3yr old way, wetting herself was no big deal. ('So what if I'm wet... I'll just put some new clothes on' or 'No, I can't be arsed to go to the toilet, I'm busy at the sandpit/lego/whatever')

He will sort it out eventually. If it's not a big deal to him, try and follow his lead

Anyone else been through anything similar? Bumping this for the afternoon crew as have had three changes this morning alone!

BBx

I can sympathise to a degree but we are a little behind you in the journey as DS is 3yrs 3mths. Our ds has no desire to even wear pants let alone do anything with his body emissions. He denies being wet and soiled even when it obvious. We have a box of the most amazing goodies above the toilet waiting for him, cars, books, sweets, really cool stuff but the motivation is just not there. We are taking the wait it out and ignore it until he initiates some sort of step in the right direction but I am heartily sick of changing him and he is less than co operative about being changed and no he can't change himself, he is very unmotivated to learn those skills as well.

Sorry meant to say I don't have any miracle cures or ideas either as we have tried every concept in the book and nothing has been the golden ticket to a nappy free bum.

BernieBear,

We struggled with potty training for over a year; and it turned out that my son is allergic to certain fruit juices.

My HV kept saying he was lazy, etc... But I knew deep down that there was a more fundamental problem. It didn't seem logical to me that one week he cold be completely dry; followed by another 3 weeks of total incontinence.

Anyway my full story is posted at:
www.eric.org.uk/boardframeset.html
Click on everything else -
Then search for posting "Daytime incontinence - A result!!"

Basically after consuming certain drinks, my son was unable to feel toilet urges - as if his bowel / bladder had been numbed.

Anyway, I really suggest you give it a go - even if it is just a case of ruling it out. My son is now COMPLETELY clean and dry - simply by limiting his drinks to water / milk / Tea. If only I had worked out his allergies sooner....

Let me know if you want any further info.

Would love to know if you do try this - as I have never come across any other similar case.

Jenny

Hi

I had huge difficulties with DS. I did try everything. The thing that helped was a book Im not allowed to mention on Mumsnet I think by a person not allowed to mention - at least used not to be able to. Any way her small potty training book was a godsend. She covers areas of difficulties with older children that noone else does in their books - I have tried lots of others!

Could you borrow a copy of her book. One thing that she covered was that if you have behaviour difficulties in other areas with your child this can knock onto potty training big time.

Hope you know who/what I mean. Better not make any other comments except a big rec for this book does not mean a big rec for other of her books etc etc.

HTH

BernieBear, sounds like a very frustrating period for you, I do sympathise! In a similar position after about 8 months of it with ds1 (he regressed when I was about 8 months pg with ds2) we put him back in nappies on my father's advice (he's a pediatrician) as it had turned into such a power struggle and everyone was getting upset. It was ruining my relationship with ds1. Back in nappies from August until 2 weeks ago and everything is going fine now, I just waited (and waited and waited) until he & I were perfectly calm about it again and he was interested in going. The neutrality about accidents is absolutely vital and I honestly think I couldn't keep my temper anymore so nappies was the best option for us.

He's not even 4, if he goes in nappies for a few months what's the problem? You relax, he relaxes, you go back to it when you're both ready. I know the rules are once they're in pants don't put them back in nappies, so I kept on trying for months but it was only going back in nappies that took the pressure of him really. I don't think calling him lazy helps, my dad said that this is an incredibly sensitive issue esp for boys and many develop chronic constipation (as mine did) and lose sensation thus perpetuating the problem. Lots of people on here have 3-4 yo boys with that issue and it can take a long time to sort out. I don't think a child in 4 in nappies is an issue, other people may say things but let them, they don't have to change dirty/wet pants, trousres and socks 5 times a day do they? I got stick about ds1, but I stuck to my guns and waited until he was ready again just like the first time and as I said things are going really well now and I don't feel remotely stressed about his accidents.
BTW, it is worth just making sure that he doesn't have chronic constipation as that will affect his bladder - I blamed my son for being lazy when it was actually a medical problem.

my DS. when the same age as yours was a bit like this although it wasnt for such a long period of time because I thought he wasnt ready so he went back in nappies for a few months and then he asked for pants and was very quick. A matter of days rather than weeks or months.

Basically I tried it, felt he wasnt ready waited and tried again a few months later.

Its really hard and you have my sympathy because other mums love to say "oh is he still in nappies Zeke was been dry since he was X months old" My reply was I like nappies it keeps everything in 1 place.

Ignore them its what keeps you and yours sane.
Good luck