Advice about 4 year old self care

[YukoandHiro]

My just turned 4 year old started school this week and she's loving it but she's always been behind the average on gross motor skills (eg didn't walk til 21 months, couldn't jump til she was almost 3) and the self care side is just hard work for her.

I've been trying to get her to dress herself for over a year now and it's such slow progress. She can mostly undress unless a t shirt is a bit tight and harder to lift over the head. Dressing she can do the bottom half but struggles with arms in tops unless it's very loose. Getting ready for school is a battle already - even though she's happy to actually go there - just because of dressing element.

She's independent with toileting but needs extra wiping if she's been for a poo (presume that's normal at this age?) but she's also still in night nappies and shows no signs of being ready to remove them.

Guess I'm just looking for some additional tips on helping her to practise these skills without getting upset (she does see affection in being helped, she often asks for help when she doesn't really need it on days when, say, her baby sister has needed a lot of attention). I want to be sensitive to her needs but also think she needs to be pushed a bit to develop these skills now

I don't see the problem with helping her. You can encourage independence through doing it with her instead of for her. 4 is still very young and they often use these tasks as a way to be close to you.

Does she have a nurture toy you could get some clothes for? Dressing and undressing a toy can help with these skills. Does she have dressing up outfits she can play with? Would she be able to get all her clothes out and try them all on and have a play with them? You could try putting them on wrong on purpose that can be fun for them to experiment with how to get it wrong as well as right. Everything can be an opportunity for connection and play at that age, so try and make dressing fun and a bit silly. Some singing, dancing, bouncing, tickling, hair ruffles, razzers, and hugs and kisses can give that same connection during them getting ready, without doing the actual dressing for them.

Could she help with dressing and changing her baby sibling? She could be responsible for babies socks or handing up wipes, or doing the sticky bit on the nappies, or any other part of the changing and dressing process. They love helping bath their younger siblings or Sharing a bath with them too.

Some kids are concerned with how they look, they want their hair a certain way or their clothes to be smart, or to only wear clothes with my little pony on, or whatever it is. If a whole set of my little pony clothes helps, do that. If she likes to have tidy hair get her her own brush. If she likes to wear her hair up get her a selection of hair accessories she loves. If she wants to look smart then she can be encouraged to learn to tuck things in and straighten out her clothes and keep her shoes clean, things like that.

I would see it like brushing their teeth. At 4y they might think they can brush, but really they still need quite a lot of help. Sometimes that means doing it for them, sometimes it means doing it with them, but they are not ready to do it on their own yet.

Thank you croquette, the teeth analogy is a good one as obviously we make sure they're done properly after she does them "herself" first.

You've reassured me that I'm not mollycoddling her by still helping out. I expect this year will be a one of really fast change for her and I do want her to feel supported rather than overwhelmed. She's so young in her school year.

Anyone got any advice on night nappies? Nhs seems to say normal til age 5.

Oh and dressing a toy is a good idea. I will add that to the Xmas list

I wouldn't worry about the night time because it's not based on your child's ability to learn but on their bodies ability to produce the right hormones. You will start to notice more dry nights, and once you get to mostly dry nights then get rid of the pull ups. Trying to do it before they are ready creates a lot of unnecessary stress and laundry IME

She sounds totally normal for her age

I have a just turned 4YO. She can dress/undress her bottom half but really, really struggles with the top so of course we help her, as long as she tries herself first. The TA did comment after her first school swimming lesson though so I know we need to work on it, definitely going to try the toy suggestion. We starting noticing odd dry nights a couple of months ago, 3 weeks ago she had a completely dry week so no more pull ups and haven’t had an accident since. It’s hormonal so you can’t force it, if she’s not dry by the time she’s 5 then raise it with the GP but for now I wouldn’t be remotely concerned. Wiping she can do but again that’s fairly recent.

Dont worry about pull ups at night. My 5 yo year 1 is still in them. As for getting dressed herself, this is the time to practice practice practice as she needs to do it herself in school for PE . Maybe a reward system for getting dressed herself- or break it down, stick for tshirt, skirt etc.

Thanks everyone for the advice and the reassurance this is all quite normal.

Funnily enough today she said "I don't like being so small, I wish I could do it myself" about getting a top off so the desire is definitely there - just need to work with it

My DD still had nighttime pull-ups until quite a way into her reception year - from chatting to other mums this was very normal. 5/6 is still normal for occasional night time wetting too. As pp said, it’s to do with hormonal changes so it isn’t something they can control.

Also normal for them to need a bit of practice with wiping after a poo at that age and you get a few messy pants coming home occasionally until they get the hang of it! Though some DC prefer to poo at home (my DD does) and so it’s less of an issue when they get more aware of their own bodies and rhythms and so on.