Am I a bad mum?

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idontlikealdi · 14/09/2021 15:48

Unfortunately if you are trying to WFH ft with a 3 yo she needs to be in full time childcare. The two don't mix.

Original poster

Aweirdscience · 14/09/2021 15:49

If only it was that simple! ☹

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/09/2021 15:51

A bad mum would even think about the set up, or check in with others to get advice or support so first and foremost, you are not a bad mum

It does look tough, for you all, with the work and childcare situation. When does she turn three? She will (if England) get 30 free hours per week at 3yo with you both working full time - so you are nearly there. It wont be long.

In the meantime, what are the options re flexibility of hours? Can you and dh both condense house so you each do 4x longer days, with the overlapping days being the ones she is at childcare? Is there the option for you each to work a half day on a Sunday (for example), then reduce weekday hours, saving Saturday as a family day?

Once the funded hours kick in, it may be possible yo rejig the budget to be able to use evening babysitting to free up more time.

In the meantime, I would also recommend you and dh separately taking time out. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and once she is in bed, you and he could take turns to just step away from the home for an hour or two. Even just a walk around somewhere or a movie or a fitness class/swim.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/09/2021 15:52

@idontlikealdi

Unfortunately if you are trying to WFH ft with a 3 yo she needs to be in full time childcare. The two don't mix.

Helpful.

It may well be true, but the OP sounds like she is having a pretty shit time and cant afford to just choose that option.

Have a bit of empathy.

Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower · 14/09/2021 15:52

Why isn't it that simple? If you didn't work from home you would need childcare, you wouldn't leave her at home. Childcare is a non negotiable cost if you work.

firstimemamma · 14/09/2021 15:53

When she turns 3 is she not eligible for 15 hours of nursery a week? That would really help.

nc4565 · 14/09/2021 15:53

Aren't you entitled to some sort of childcare funding? Sending her more often to the childminder will be helpful.

Good luck OP. Sounds like you're doing an incredibly tough job plus trying to parent.

Poppy709 · 14/09/2021 15:53

I’m sorry OP, this sounds really tough. When she’s 3 you should get free nursery hours, have you looked into this so you can get a place sorted? Then you can top this up with childminder so she will have more time out and you can focus on work.
What do you do at the weekends? Do you have days where you aren’t trying to work and can do things as a family? You’re not a bad mum, life can be really hard sometimes and you’re doing your best!

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 14/09/2021 15:54

Well I agree you need her in childcare of some sort whilst you work or you and DH need to work in shifts. None of this is her fault so you then have to make sacrifices to make it work for her not her work around you imo.

Comedycook · 14/09/2021 15:54

You're not a bad mum...you're in a bloody difficult situation. However, it's not ideal that she's sat in front of the TV all day. Why can't she play at least? Put some toys on the floor. Will she play independently? Could you give her things to do while you're working? Like put a load of blocks out and tell her to build the tallest tower she can?

LakeShoreD · 14/09/2021 15:57

Sorry but it’s really not ok that a 3YO is spending all day in front of the TV several times a whilst you both work and it needs to stop. Can you not stretch to the extra days at the childminder? If not then I’d question whether you business is viable to employ both of you tbh, but if you’re sure it’s just a temporary blip then the obvious solution is for you to work in shifts ensuring that one of you is always there for your DD. So one of you gets up early, starts work whilst the other is with DD until after lunch, then you swap over.

Eileen101 · 14/09/2021 15:59

I have a DC of the same age and there is no way I could WFH with him there. Can you put him into childcare for the other days you're working? You'd have a more productive day for work, she'd have a better day at childcare, you'd all have quality of time at the weekend as you'd be less stressed.

NerrSnerr · 14/09/2021 15:59

@LakeShoreD

Sorry but it’s really not ok that a 3YO is spending all day in front of the TV several times a whilst you both work and it needs to stop. Can you not stretch to the extra days at the childminder? If not then I’d question whether you business is viable to employ both of you tbh, but if you’re sure it’s just a temporary blip then the obvious solution is for you to work in shifts ensuring that one of you is always there for your DD. So one of you gets up early, starts work whilst the other is with DD until after lunch, then you swap over.

I agree with this. Or one of you work on the business and the other gets an evening or weekend job?

We had to change our jobs when we had children are we had a similar set up with no family to support so we had to fit in with what we could do with a child.

Sauvignonblanket · 14/09/2021 16:03

Could you and your OH work shifts so one starts early and finishes just after lunch then picks up in the evening, and the other works in the afternoon and does more in the evening? We did that during lockdown juggling work and homeschooling and it's not great but did mean we could get more done....

Pissinthepottyplease · 14/09/2021 16:04

@Aweirdscience

If only it was that simple! ☹

If your business is not doing well enough then you need to find an employed position. You can’t just leave a 3 year old to their own to get on with it.

Your DD is entitled to 15 hours early year’s

a week. Is she getting it?

Enough4me · 14/09/2021 16:08

Can you take an earlier lunch and he takes a late one to break it up a bit?

I imagine lots of 3 year old have watched a lot of TV with Covid lockdowns and at least she sees her parents working and not bored watching TV next to her.

Original poster

Aweirdscience · 14/09/2021 16:11

@Aweirdscience

I wanted to write this down as I just feel like a really shitty mum. It's not really for advice. I just want to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

We have an almost 3 year old daughter. Both me and my husband work from home. So I guess you could say there isn't really a separation between home and work at the moment.

We both don't have any family close. I'm estranged from my family who live very far away and his are abroad. So we don't have a support system immediately around us. Our daughter has grown up with just the two of us and the only time we had family look after her so we could have a "date night" was when she just turned 1 and we visited family in America.

Business isn't great at the moment for us and it's down to a few things. Mainly it's obviously covid and lack of time. We send her to a child minder 3 times a week as that's what we can afford at the moment and the rest of the time she's home. But when she's home we ideally need to be working.

So sometimes she can spend the entire day watching TV or using my phone to watch TV (I feel awful already). The rest of the time we are extremely stressed due to the lack of time to work and I'm feeling incredibly guilty that she's not having a fulfilling life so that really effects my ability to do well in my work too. I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for her and having to ignore her to get work done. As mentioned before I've not been very productive due to her being home and I think she's been acting up lately because she's bored so she's very needy...She just wants her mummy and daddy's attention and I get it! We are literally her world.

Because of work stress, lack of time and I guess the lack of family around us really can get to us sometimes we snap a lot at each other and are less tolerable of her and the house can feel so tense!

Anyone else had a similar situation? Am I a bad mum? I feel like one. 😔

Just going to respond to you all. Mostly about the free child care once she turns 3. She turns 3 in October and we've read we can start claiming that the term after she turns 3. So January. Which we will be doing.

But thank you for the support from some and the feedback from others. There's a lot of food for thought here. Thanks all.

OP posts:

QuillBill · 14/09/2021 16:18

I would structure the day with different activities so that it's not just a great long stretch of a day.

Also, she goes to the childminder three days so until January when she gets the funding you and your dh need to try to work different days from each other.

QforCucumber · 14/09/2021 16:21

It is hard to WFH with kids around, DS1 was 3 when the first lockdown kicked in and it was so so difficult he had a lot of time in front of the TV, but as PP have said - DH and I pretty much worked shifts around each other, the other would take him out and entertain him.

We have no family support here either - you need to build a support network.

Ds1 is now 5, collected by a childminder from school, DS2 is 14 months and in full time nursery - yes we are skint, for now, but it's the only way we keep money coming in, if they were at home we would neither be able to work efficiently.

Fedupcyclist · 14/09/2021 16:24

Sorry you’re having a tough time but I think you need to be honest with yourselves.

If two people are working full time you really should be able to afford one set of childcare fees. If not could you change jobs? Or one of you become a stay at home parent for a while?

As a previous poster said if you were working out of the home - even in a low paid job - you would HAVE to have proper childcare in place.

Keepitonthedownlow · 14/09/2021 16:26

If she's watching TV 2 days per week till xmas it's not the end of the world, but I would try and give her some activities on either mornings of afternoons to break it up.

whatswithtodaytoday · 14/09/2021 16:33

I have a child the same age and working from home with him is almost impossible. On the rare occasion it has to be done (usually waiting for a Covid test) one of us either takes the day off or he watches TV all day. It's not a long-term strategy.

Having worked from home through lockdowns with a very young child, I can assure you you will burn out if you try to do this. You need childcare. If you don't earn much I think 2 year olds get some funding? Is there a playgroup you could use, they tend to be much cheaper than nurseries? Assuming she's at a childminder all day those three days, can you just work the evenings the rest of the week and be with her the other two days?

I appreciate owning your own business means you have to work 24/7 (and that's why I choose to work for someone else), but you can't just leave your child watching TV all day.

Crocadoo · 14/09/2021 17:59

WFH and having a 2 year old at home is tense.
WFH, working for yourself and having a 2 year old at home must be really, really tough.
I've had to do it a few times throughout covid with my then 2 year old and I had to work so half-heartedly, it was untrue. Atleast it's only 2 days out of 7, it's hardly neglect is it to those overreacting posters. Covid has forced us all into some very strange and overwhelming situations over the last 2 years.
I'd look at how you schedule the day when she's at home. Separate lunch breaks for you and DH, give her an hour each of your time, uninterrupted. So that's 2 hours of attention that she'll get. Leave some work until the evening if you can.

I'm guessing you may tell us that you don't take lunch breaks as you're too busy, but you're going to continue to struggle if you don't x

CassandraTrotter · 14/09/2021 18:02

Can you and your dh not structure your days so one starts super early and finishes early and one late and finishes late? Then have different down time in the day? Stretch your day right out and then split it? Work after 7pm?

emeraldcity2000 · 14/09/2021 18:07

Sounds tough op.
First, it's 2 days out of 7. It's not ideal for sure but some kids are parented this way all week. You're not a crappy mum.
Agree with other posters. Is it possible on those 2 days to start early and work late and skip any kind of break? Both take a couple of hours out of the working day and do something with dc. Get outdoors ideally. That would get you through to jan when more free childcare hours kick in.

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