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Original poster

Am I unreasonable

15 replies

mumofsp12 · 13/09/2021 12:50

My 7MO slept out at IL for first time over the weekend.

We always bath baby before he has a sleepover (he doesn't sleep out often and always ask for him to be home first thing the following morning) he suffers with eczema which interacts badly with a lot of products so always use eczema/medicated products for him following the GP advice. Other family members have asked if ok to bath and I have made it clear to all that it is not because of the above reasons. Over the weekend I got sent a picture of him in a kitchen sink filled with products which they had bathed him in after being told no. My partner thinks I am being unreasonable to be mad about it but I think it is disrespectful for them to go against my wishes?

The following morning expecting him to arrive home first thing as I had no sent clothes/pushchair etc as felt there was no need because they told me they would bring him once he had breakfast we got a message to say they had gone out and would bring him home for lunch. He had been out in pyjamas, no coat, no pushchair, my whole changing bags rearranged, things misplaced etc and I just feel like they have undermined my parenting and don't want him to sleep there anymore because of it, am I in the wrong for saying/feeling this way?

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makinganavalon · 13/09/2021 13:00

I don't think you are being unreasonable about the eczema or any of it really- the baby is 7 months and you are mum&dad what you say should go. But I'd just be careful how you communicate that to your in laws- as someone who has no family nearby and would love some help- so don't be too hasty to potentially lose that and your baby's time with their grandparents. But reiterate to them and your partner how important them respecting medical advice and your wishes is. I would give them another chance after clear communication.

Tlollj · 13/09/2021 13:07

I’d be a bit peeved about the eczema and the bath products. But not taking him out and rearranging your changing bag. Why does he have to be home so early anyway.

NerrSnerr · 13/09/2021 13:15

How is his skin after the visit? If ok I'd let it go as an occasional thing. If his skin is bad I'd show them the problem and ask them not to do it again.

It's a bit strange you didn't send clothes for the next day, and I don't see why rearranging a changing bag is a big deal, they will have just been looking for stuff.

Ultimately it's up to you though. 7 months is still very young and if you're not comfortable having sleepovers that's fair enough.

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Original poster

mumofsp12 · 13/09/2021 13:21

@NerrSnerr

How is his skin after the visit? If ok I'd let it go as an occasional thing. If his skin is bad I'd show them the problem and ask them not to do it again.

It's a bit strange you didn't send clothes for the next day, and I don't see why rearranging a changing bag is a big deal, they will have just been looking for stuff.

Ultimately it's up to you though. 7 months is still very young and if you're not comfortable having sleepovers that's fair enough.

I didn't send the clothes because they had already told me they would give him his morning bottle and bring him straight back and we had plans that day so I expected to dress/bath him myself he always has a nap following breakfast so rather than disturb that i usually change him after unless we go anywhere so just thought it makes him more settled to sleep and I can sort him expecting him to be home around that time. I did ask before sending him if they had plans or I would of sent more things.

It wasn't so much rearranging the bag the things in there were missing there's no way it could of all been used as i have it topped up continuously I suffer with mild OCD and hate anything out of place so that part is probably my own personal preference obviously more concerned about the bath etc as I had told them no, he has a really bad flare up at the minute and struggling to clear it up.

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Original poster

mumofsp12 · 13/09/2021 13:22

@Tlollj

I’d be a bit peeved about the eczema and the bath products. But not taking him out and rearranging your changing bag. Why does he have to be home so early anyway.

I did ask if they had plans and I would of sorted it, but as a first time mam and struggled to conceive I find it really difficult for him to sleep out I done it early to try get over it and make my life easier. But obviously it is a process letting them go longer when you spend all day everyday with them

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FindYourPorpoise · 13/09/2021 13:26

@mumofsp12

If you're not comfortable with him staying overnight with other people then you don't have to do it. Plenty of people do not spend nights away from their babies.

twinningatlife · 13/09/2021 13:26

It's a bit (very) odd not to send spare clothes for a 7 month old and yes if they are giving you a night off you're being a bit unreasonable to be so strict with his return time and changing bag etc

The bath I can understand

rolyisntittimefor · 13/09/2021 13:27

I'd be furious tbh, your instruction should stand. And then to send you a pic is very undermining!

Also - they just "took him out" when he was due home?! That's so weird. What did you say? Did you say "sorry, we have plans - please come home"?

The changing bag thing is your preference really but if I were looking after someone's baby I'd try and be courteous and return the bag organised like I received it.

7mo is quite young to sleep out (no judgement) but it sounds like you're not entirely comfortable with it so if you aren't, don't do it anymore. X

Original poster

mumofsp12 · 13/09/2021 13:28

@twinningatlife

It's a bit (very) odd not to send spare clothes for a 7 month old and yes if they are giving you a night off you're being a bit unreasonable to be so strict with his return time and changing bag etc

The bath I can understand

I sent spare things just not clothes for the day as I had asked when they picked him up plans and they said they were bringing him home straight from breakfast which he would usually nap after anyway so just thought I could sort him for the day myself because they had told me it was fine

OP posts:

FrangipaniBlue · 13/09/2021 13:34

I think you're getting peeved about the wrong things. I don't think them taking him out in his PJs would bother me.

The things that would bug me are:

has his eczema actually flared up as a result of the bath? Is yes then YANBU.
did bringing him home later detail your plans for the day and were they aware you had plans? If yes then YANBU.
do you have spares of the things they've lost or are you now going to have to make a specific trip to the shops to replace them? If the latter then YANBU.

FrangipaniBlue · 13/09/2021 13:35

Argh typo I meant derail your plans!

FindYourPorpoise · 13/09/2021 13:35

@twinningatlife

I disagree about the return time. If you tell someone you will bring their 7 month old baby back at a certain time then you really should, or at least call and discuss a change of plan.

Also, I'm not getting the impression that the Op was looking for free childcare and a night off. I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that she was railroaded into the plan and would have preferred to have her baby at home.

Vallmo47 · 13/09/2021 13:39

I would be upset about the bath seeing as they’d been given clear instructions and knew he had sensitive skin. I’d also be annoyed if they took him out without your permission. I’d be thankful for the break and would have to urge you to bear in mind that this is their precious grandchild and they obviously would not have wanted to harm him in any way.

I would let your DH speak to his parents about it, if they offer again.

Poppy709 · 13/09/2021 16:02

I also have a baby with bad excema and would be really annoyed if someone bathed him in the wrong products, especially if you’ve made it really clear. The return time would have upset me, I was really anxious the first time my DS slept at grandparents and I wanted him home straight away in the morning! I wouldn’t be bothered about the changing bag personally but I’m a bit disorganised so can understand people losing things in the madness of looking after a baby.
I’m sure they were just excited and none of it was malicious, I wouldn’t go mad at them but I would discuss it with them and just explain how you feel calmly.

Pickle2021 · 13/09/2021 21:23

The bath would bother me. I have very sensitive skin as an adult. Even if I use another product it doesn't show up on my skin but I can feel it. If that makes sense. It's like a gentle uncomfortable feeling all over my skin. So if it's like that for me and I don't have eczema could be quite uncomfortable for lo.

The changing bag -Mmmm wouldn't bother me too much. Probably just hunting for stuff and got mixed up 🤷🏼‍♀️ though my ocd side would have the bag back to how it was promptly that second 😂

Changing plans - I would be slightly annoyed. As I don't like change of plan at drop off hat. Think I would have packed some spare clothes but thats cause my LO is messy girl and has big bowel movements but that's just personal preferenceq of pack spare clothing. My changing bag has spare clothing all the time plus loads of what if situations.

My hats are off to you to allow lo at that age to go off to inlaws BTW. I can't do that for a night. But I would love the night sleep 😂

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