How to get DD to deal with big emotions

[sleepfortheweek]

Going to try not waffle too much!

DD1 is nearly 7. As an infant and toddler, she had many meltdowns. Totally different to tantrums (as I later discovered with DD2!).

As she's got older, they have definitely become much fewer, however they do still occasionally rear their ugly head. The last two weeks have been particularly bad.

They usually start with something very small. Here's some from this week :

• Having to go into town after school instead of straight home

• Having a bun in her hair for swimming instead of a pony tail

• Having to read her homework out loud to me

There's probably more!

She gets so angry and wound up and just gets herself into a state. It can last ages, sometimes well over an hour. I try to stay calm, I try not not to shout or threaten but I end up getting very agitated myself which obviously doesn't help.

Afterwards when she's calm, she always apologises and often says she hates being like that and doesn't know why she does it. It's more than having a tantrum because she's not getting her way, and it's usually like a switch that goes off.

As she's getting older and other emotions influenced by friends etc occur, I want her to be able to recognise her feeling and be able to handle them a bit better. Plus, it'll help us a lot at home too 🤣

I have no idea how to tackle it. I don't know what is best to say, how to manage it, what to do when it happens.

Please, can anyone give me any advice?

If I've removed something (her kindle for example) as a punishment, she always accepts it and doesn't grumble. She knows her behaviour isn't good when she's having an absolute meltdown but similarly I recognise she isn't actively trying to behave like that and I just want to help her for all of our sakes.

Other than that, she's a lovely girl. Very kind and considerate, very sociable and great with her Dsis. She's very academic and does a lot of extra curricular activities too.

Please help! We need something before the pre teen stage hits 🙈

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

I just can't put my finger on it. The change in circumstance thing isn't always an issue, it can just come out of nowhere. Making decisions as definitely a big one, and being in control of her decisions. The I want to/I don't want to meltdowns are by far the most common.

She has the beginning of an infection (I think) in one of the ears she had pierced a few months ago. Trying to clean it tonight was an absolute ordeal. She wanted me to, then she didn't want me to, then she wanted me to etc etc. I explained that I wouldn't force her, but also told her that it might get worse if we didn't. I stayed calm and didn't shout but it's very draining. Eventually we compromised with the application of the salt water, wool instead of bud, and she says that she won't fuss about it in the morning but we'll see 🙈🙈🙈

Gosh I had to re read your OP to check I hadn’t written it a year ago. My 8 yr old is very, very similar. Watching.

OP, yes the diagnosis helps so much. My dd struggled massively with time pressures and was a nightmare to get out the door in the mornings too. Have a list of things your dd needs to do in the morning and put it in her bedroom and maybe on the fridge door where she can see it and give her lots of encouragement between steps will help avoid meltdown.

My dd works better if she has some input so maybe ask for some input from her into the list. Issues can arise for girls with autism who have to use a lot of energy masking during school. My dd struggles with noise so trying to "tune" out noise in school made her tired after school. I always kept healthy snacks in the car which she ate on the way home to up her energy.

My dd has just started secondary and she can stillbe a little slow in the mornings but she's so much better. Children with ASD find routine comforting and do struggle with last minute changes, but I have found that warning my dd beforehand that a little change will be ok, this is what may happen and it will be fine helps a lot.

When we had the diagnosis, I sat down with my dd and told her about it. I explained in general terms what autism was and how her brain may see things differently but is still just as brilliant.I told her that she may struggle sometimes with things like planning and organising and her emotions but she could always speak to me and have help.

I also said there were things she may be better at than others. She is a brilliant mathematician.She was really relieved when she had the diagnosis and for her it explained many things.

In year 6 at school she was struggling with pressures of being timed in tests, having meltdowns at home, so for 2 hours a week she worked with a tutor who had experience of working with children with autism who helped her with planning and organising.It made the world of difference!

Hey op, my son (nearly seven) is the same. He has horrendous meltdowns lasting for up to an hr. last autumn he was in such a rage he started biting himself and pulling his hair, v distressing. He did six months of play therapy starting in Jan and I think it was beneficial in that it stopped the physical stuff but he still has a temper/is easily grumpy/can have a meltdown - in fact he had one last nihjt after he was mean to his little sister all the way home and I said as a result he couldn’t have some sweets he’d been given in class because it was someone’s birthday. Our summer holidays were punctuated by his strops and moods. It’s v difficult! At times he’s a lovely funny relaxed boy, at others v difficult to handle. The play therapist isn’t qualified in autism studies but suggested we go for a private diagnosis if CAMHS has too long a waiting list. We’re also looking at seeing a child psychotherapist locally. School don’t have any concerns but he’s v bright and doesn’t cause problems.

'The Explosive child' might help.

I read loads of books on autism and then started on higher functioning autistic teens, and then moved on PDA, which all had different techniques and tricks, helped me with Ds1. (not that the PDA applies to you) but I'm just trying to explain that once you read the general books, often later a certain specialism book, may give better understanding?

Before you medicalise this, she could just be over tired and over stimulated.

Maybe make adjustments to after school, give her more freedom/space.

Kids are under a lot of pressure nowadays.

This The I want to/I don't want to meltdowns are by far the most common is normal IMO.

How are you helping her in the moment of the tantrum? I would just say 'yes it feels hard, just breathe, we can work it out' and help her feel less alone. It is scary being overwhelmed and seven is very young still.

Have you had an ADHD assessment? Sounds like she's struggling badly with school. Hence the not wanting to get ready for school - I mean would you want to go somewhere everyday where you don't understand no matter how many times things are explained?
She's probably so emotionally exhausted after school a tiny deviation from the normal routine is enough to unleash a tidal wave of emotions.
If she was ADHD she wouldn't know and wouldn't know how to tell you there was a problem either.
Have a talk to the teachers about your concerns and ask how she interacts with other kids and if she understands the work. Is she good with homework or does she struggle?
The one thing I hope it is not is bullying from other children. Is everything ok in this area too?

Sounds identical to my dd 9 and she has ASD.

@chocolateorangeinhaler no we haven't had an assessment as I've never thought about it that way. It's more about how she deals with anger/disappointment without her having an absolute meltdown. It's interesting to hear similar stories though and resulting diagnoses.

She gets on great at school. She's very bright, in the top group for literacy and maths, has a good group of friends, volunteers for EVERYTHING etc

@sleepfortheweek One thing that revolutionised our family dynamic was realising that meltdowns are not poor behaviour, and changing our reactions as parents. Not becoming angry, soothing, calming her instead changed a lot for us.
A meltdown is beyond their control (and my DD had exactly the same trigger- e.g. going to town after school would trigger a meltdown, saying we'd go a different day prolonged the meltdown because she did want to go...
My DD is a very good girl, her behaviour is impeccable at school, and at home. She hated having meltdowns once she got to about 7, as she thought it was naughty behaviour and didn't want to be naughty
Helping her manage her meltdowns (and, as I said - us not reacting to them) and her anxiety/emotions made a huge difference.

This sounds so much like my DS 7. Has always had meltdowns, although these are less frequent now. At times of meltdown he just can't manage his emotions, although he hates doing it. I have realised staying clam is the only way, but boy it is hard sometimes - DS is sooo loud!

DS7 struggles with school, isn't academic (loves sports/PE), and rarely does his homework or reads at home (asking him to do them can trigger a meltdown, so I have to time this very carefully), but school have never raised any concerns, so assumed he was just not academic.

Mirroring some of the other comments, I've this week made an appt with the school SENCO to see what they have to say. I've never considered SEN until overhearing another parent talking about it and recognising some of the signs in DS.

As younger DS 3 has grown, it has highlighted just how 'different' DS7's behaviour is from a 'normal' tantrum/upset.

Looking forward to any helpful tips others suggest on this thread!

I'd never thought about it before, but since my post a few things have suddenly become apparent and I'm not sure whether to bring this up or investigate further.

I've listed the main ones below although if I really think about it there's probably my more :

DD becomes quite obsessive over things for weeks/months but then drops them and moves onto something else. This can be a book (she listened to the same audio book for about 7 MONTHS, had a paddy at the thought of changing it - the one she is currently listening to is the same one for about 3 months), music (soundtracks), films, YouTube channels/families and extracurricular activities (there is one she is currently obsessed with and wants to do every night).

She's always struggled with sleep. She's nearly 7 now but still struggles to fall asleep and it's 50/50 whether or not she sleeps all night. She's definitely made huge progress over the last 12 months though. Meltdowns used to be quite commonplace during the night.

DD also chews EVERYTHING. Everything goes in her mouth. Clothing is the big one, her jumper cuffs, taekwondo belt, bag straps etc but also her hair sometimes, small rubber toys, anything really that she can put in there 🙈.

She's also got an obsession with food. She's always hungry, always wants a snack, gets VERY upset about not getting the food she wants etc. Can't bear the thought of not getting food when she wants it.

I've never really thought about these
In much detail and I'm sure there's more that'll come to mind now too.

Not sure if I'm just thinking too much about it though. She's got loads of friends, she's great with her younger Dsis and cousins, loves to be in amongst it all, volunteers for everything going. You get the drift.

Is this just her personality? If she's great in school and these meltdowns that we occasionally (albeit more frequent that I would like!) experience are contained and handled well...what would the benefit be of investigating?

How would you even begin that journey without letting the child know (in the initial stages) 😭

Any advice/experience welcomed x

Please carry on investigating for your DD sake. I'm having my DS assessed. Very similar behaviour to yours. As a result I'm also considering getting myself assessed. I wish I had known earlier if there is something. It would have helped me so much to manage so many of my feelings.

This sounds like my DD. She's an older teen now and is under CAMHS for anxiety. I suspect she has ADHD (and me too), but she is adamant she doesn't want to pursue that route.
She manages a lot better now. But like others have said, her triggers are things being sprung on her, hunger and she gets really wound up by unfairness, whether it's perceived or real. She does still struggle with friendships too.

Oh, and she has melatonin now, which is a huge help after years and years of terrible sleep. Although I have the anxiety about trying to get it prescribed now she is out of paediatric care.