DD "doesn't have the sad emotion"

[MayorGundersonsDogRufus]

Would love some points of view about emotional development in kids. DD just turned 8 and she said this to me the other day. We've had a very difficult year - I lost my mum unexpectedly in March and we've had to relocate from another country to live with my disabled dad while we try and sort out care arrangements for him. DD has been a little ray of sunshine through all this and coped brilliantly.

The night she said this something relatively minor had happened that had made me sad and she gave me a hug and said, "cuddles make everything better!" A few hours later she almost confessed to me that she is worried she doesn't have the 'sad' emotion. She said she can see whether other people are sad but it doesn't make her feel sad and when grandma died she didn't feel sad. She wondered if there was something wrong with her and asked when I developed the sad emotion.

It was a very unexpected thing to hear and I explained that I thought it was normal and that what was good was that she noticed when other people were sad and comforted them. We talked about how disappointment is like feeling sad and that she knew what that felt like and would probably grow to understand other people's sadness more as she got older.

But I don't actually know - is this normal for an 8yo? Do your 8 yo's have empathy yet? Do they feel sadness and loss? It's not something you really see in other people's kids so it's really got me thinking. Did I say the right thing? Would love some other perspectives. Thank you!

I think she sounds normal. I remember as a child that happiness and excitement were much stronger emotions than sadness for me. I never cried at sad films or books and when a couple of older relatives died, I was more upset that my mum was upset than sad for myself. As I've gotten older I've definitely become sadder (!) and since having kids a bloody advert can set me off crying for days! I think it's wonderful that she is able to articulate it all to you and that you support her. That's the main thing, I think, and she sounds very self-aware which I believe is a positive.

Sometimes a child gets the (unspoken) message that sadness is weak/unwelcome/unsafe. I say this because that’s what happened to me as a child, not that my parents did anything “wrong”, just that many families have one key emotion that tends to be suppressed and with mine, it was sadness. It sounds to me as if you handled it very well, and she is a very aware 8 year old. Just keep talking about the topic. It took me till I was very grown up indeed to be able to accept sadness, but I think your daughter will get there a lot sooner with the level of awareness you both have.

I think that's pretty normal op. Sadness can manifest itself in different ways. She maybe feels it somatically.
I remember being worried that I didn't get upset as easily as some of my friends when I was a child. Things like residential trips away I'd be quite happy and not sad like some of my friends.
Now as an adult I feel all of my feelings and I'm really quite sensitive, so perhaps how sadness feels for her will change over time.

She sounds very self-aware, kind and empathetic. She is caring for you and recognises that the strength of your feelings around GP death are stronger than her own. I remember when my grandparents died, almost all of my feelings at the time were for my parents and their loss. I didn't know the grandparents as well and I don't think I cried at any of their deaths (some in my childhood, some in young adulthood).
I don't know if 'seeing other people sad' is a thing that should make you sad, but I don't particularly think so.

If your mum was in another country how often did you see her? Is it possible she just didn’t have the relationship with her to feel sad? I think it’s okay if that’s the case.

Her grandmother lived in another country so it isn't surprising that she wasn't sad at her death, children don't build much of a bond over the phone or skype. It is great that she has been so understanding and kind to you and her grandfather. I would be proud of that, she sounds very caring.

I rarely feel sad just because someone else is sad. I feel bad for them in the sense that I want to comfort them and either validate their concerns/fix the issue/help them see it differently. But it doesn't necessarily make me sad.

I wouldn't worry at all about what she said. In fact I would be impressed with her level of self awareness.

With your update on her avoiding films with conflict I'd say she is maybe very empathetic and expecting to feel as bad as the person she's comforting when she can tell they are sad.
I would explain to her that she's not supposed to. It's not healthy for anyone to completely take on another's emotions. I am too easily influenced by the moods of those around me and it does no-one any good.
She may also equate crying with sadness and think if she doesn't cry she's not sad. This is obviously not true, some people cry because they are tired and some people cry a handful of times in their lives.
It's just physiology, not emotional development.
If you say you were quite practical and level headed when younger you have probably modeled restraint with emotions to her which she has unthinkingly copied, coupled with the fact she is your daughter so may have inherited your practical nature.
If your worried about her after the difficult year you and she have had I would highly recommend a few sessions of play therapy if you can afford it.
She's an excellent age for it and actually sounds very emotionally mature to be even recognising the difference in your and her reactions to the loss of your mother.
I am so sorry for your loss

How much did she see of your mum if they lived in another country?

I lived a long way from all my GPs, It was a shame when they died, but as I never saw them very much, day to day life didn't really change. I don't think I spent a long time grieving them. I cried a lot when I realised my Grandad was going to die, when I was 7yo, but his funeral was just one of those things and once he'd gone he'd gone.

Eight is very young to feel grief however it is expressed. She sounds wonderful and caring.

Not wanting to watch films because of the strong emotions displayed sounds like DH, his media consumption is all in the ilk of GBBO or The Repair Shop because he can't cope with any drama at all . And black comedies are quite beyond him.

Thank you for these very thoughtful and kind replies. My instinct was that she was actually being quite sensitive but I didn't really have anything to measure it against, so I really appreciate these different perspectives. I have tried to create a safe space that she can tell me how she is feeling or when she is worried about something, but sometimes she says things that I am not expecting!

She sounds wonderful and very caring and sensitive. She probably thinks she should feel sad at her grandma dying, especially seeing other people’s reactions. But it’s not unusual not to feel that sad when someone you don’t know well has died, especially at such a young age. Death is such a massive concept to grasp. I really don’t think you have anything to worry about, and I would reassure her, too. Her reaction sounds totally normal to me.