not bonded with dd

[weejie]

My dd is 14 months and I've been waiting and waiting for this big rush of love that everyone goes on about - and its not coming. I'm fond of her, and I put on a big front as I don't want her to feel bad any in way, but to be honest I don't feel a particularly close connection. I was delighted to go back to work, and delighted to be full time. Wish I was a traditional dad - that seems to be my parenting style! Is this mild post natal depression, or do I just accept I'm not a great mother? or not cut out for motherhood?

I also didn't get the big rush of love people kept telling me about, but I have gradually bonded with my DS over time - it has taken a while though. Looking back I think I did have PND so it might be worth speaking to your doctor/HV about it just to check it out. My DS is nearly 16 months now and although I love him and wouldn't be without him, I was also soooo glad to go back to work and do sometimes get bored on the days I'm at home with him. It sounds awful to says that doesn't it, especially when you feel you should be head over heels in love with them, but I do think some people are more 'maternal' (can't think of the right word!) than others - it doesn't make you a bad mother, I'm sure you care for your DD and enjoy her, but you just don't want to spend every waking hour with her. Like I said its probably worth seeing the doctor just to check on PND though.

weejie did you have a lot of time and enthusiasm for kids before having your DD? If not then maybe this just hasn't changed in your personality. IMHO having a baby doesn't change your personality, just your priorities. You are not a bad mother at all - well I hope not otherwise I am too!

I used to hate hearing about this 'rush of love' thing as I've never felt it. I will be interested to hear if other people feel this at some point.

Do you miss DD when you are away from her? How do you feel when you see her agin?

Good point. Actually - I hated babies, but loved children. So, I wasn't too worried, and thought these feelings would grow as I was able to interact with her more, but I do feel not terribly connected.

I miss her a bit, and am quite glad to see her. I hate her being upset and am very protective of her at playgroups and stuff but often find being with her just....boring.

I also feel like I don't know how to play with her, and she clearly prefers her dad to me who revels in her company, so just feel like an all round rubbish mum.

I do feel like a very good protector and bread winner though - maybe I'm just better at a more male role? and feel guilty for this? or I'm just a cold hearted bitch ?

its also hard to talk to anyone about this - its the big taboo isn't it? And husband just refuses to believe me - I think he can't bear to believe me, so I feel quite alone with these thoughts...

We all have different emotions at the end of the day. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mum. You don't hate her or wish you'd never had her. You're just not what I call 'earth mother' type (and that's not derogatory towards anybody - just my wording). At the end of the day, if you need to put names to things. Your DH is an excellent 'mommy' and you're an excellent 'daddy'. So it's topsy turvy on a traditional basis, but she has the best of both worlds. Don't spend so much time feeling guilty about it. Guilt and jealousy are the 2 most destructive emotions going and will eat you up slowly bit surely. Just enjoy what you have and who you are, Look forward to what will come and who you will all develop into. You sound like you're going to be a very happy family. Good Luck. (and a big 2 fingers up to 'tradition'!!)

It does seem to be a taboo, dosn't it? But that doesn't mean you are in the wrong!

I would guess that your feelings will become different as your DD grows into a child rather than a toddler - rather than a "rush of love" you will suddenly realise that you enjoy her more now she is older, IYSWIM? The relationship is different with a child and maybe that's just more your thing - you're not cold hearted, I'm sure

Weejee You may have/have had PND. I had it with ds (although didn't accept it at the time) and have bonded with him over time. When I had dd I felt that immediate attachment you are talking about and knew that this was different (I was minus the PND that time)- it was like a relevation. I still have a lot of guilt about how I felt about ds in the first year or so and we do (I think) have a different relationship as a result. Also I work part time, 3 days a week, love working and also find it difficult being with both of them for long stretches on my own. But I love them both. You are not the only one to sometimes find it boring but don't confuse the two things. Mine are nearly 4 and 2 and a bit btw. It will get better but maybe you need to talk to someone about your feelings?

ooh i didn't do that rush of love thing with ds either. I did have pnd though. The bond came much more slowly ...just sort of built up as i slowly came out of the fog.

Weejee, my DD is now 7 and I still don't feel that rush of love, I did feel it with DS and am sure it was because of PND and birth trauma, DD was born prem after a week in nhospital and exploratory operations etc, with DS a great deal changed for me when he was born for the better, things became clearer and although none of this happened because of him, it happening at the same time as him helped me bond better I think.

I sometimes get feel really guilty about it and wonder if it will change I've noticed over the last few months though that DD is turning into someone I get so much from, she has become really funny, has a great sense of comic timing, is bloody intelligent and great to talk to so now am thinking that it's just different feelings to different children at different stages.

The only time I felt the real motherly protection was someone broke into my home when Dd was just 18months old and was between me and her, I was so utterly desperate to get to her and protect her that it actually shocked me.

I think people just react differently to different people even their own children. Hopefully you too will come to a point when you start to notice changes in your DD's personality and warm to her more.

I do think it could be PND aswell though, I know that was part of what hindered my bonding with DD.

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You sounds pretty normal to me - you feel protective towards her, hate her being upset and care for her enough to make an big effort - if that's not love then what is!!!! You don't need to have a rush of love just to love her! Loads of adult relationships develop into love slowly. It doesn't mean you love the person any less than if you fell completely head over heels.

You just find her company boring! Well, let's face it toddlers are pretty boring! I hated the baby stage - the best bit about it was that they were portable and it meant I could wander round the shops or meet up with friends pretty easily, anything to avoid being stuck in the house with a child whose daily highlight was finding the light/sound switch on a toy and switching it on an off.

Between you and dh she has all the love and attention she needs. Once she's older you'll enjoy her company I promise you. DD is now 9 and I love spending time with her on her own at the weekend, pottering round the shops, having lunch, without having dh or ds around - she's fun to be with, as is ds on his own. when they're together however......

weejie,

I struggled with this for a long time.

I wouldn't say that I had PND or anything like that. In retrospect I think I just didn't particularly enjoy the baby stage. My DD is now 20 months and in the past few months has started talking. The difference in my feelings is incredible. I feel that I can interact with her, and teach her things and play with her.

I was actually thinking just the other night how much this love just appeared and how much I had worried about it for so long. I considered putting a post up about it to try and reassure people who were feeling like I was.

I just wanted to say that I think what you are experiencing is normal - although people don't talk about it too much. The advise about PND etc is also good. Hope you feel better about this soon

That makes sense Pichounette - it is very difficult to slow down to a baby's pace, especially when there's a mountain of things at home/work to be done...

thanks everyone - it felt like my dirty little secret, so its nice to know I'm not mad.

So ofren, I'm with other mums and I feel like saying - do you really love them? do you really not mind being up all night? do you really mean it when you say its the most rewarding thing you've ever done? I feel like they're making it up!

it was quite a difficult birth, but I went for the class As quite quickly so didn't feel too traumatised - maybe the class As are part of the problem?

and a really good point - I'm good at my job, I do a million things at once, I'm in control, and suddenly I have no control over this object (thats often how I feel!) and I have no idea what to do with her - maybe I need to slow down more...

so - how long does PND last?

Weejie With me PND lasted about 11 months but I am still feeling the after effects and ds is nearly 4. It really is worth getting some help with it if this is what you are suffering from.

PS Drugs during birth don't have much to do with it imo, I had two completely 'normal' births with no pain relief whatsoever.

However, I think there is a link proven between difficult births and PND (no time to google for evidence at the mo though)

I've never liked kids and firmly believed babies were put on this earth to torment me on planes. Actually wondered when pregnant if I would love my baby with that 'LOVE' that everyone talks about.

When she was born, I was in so much pain for so long that frankly I couldn't be bothered with her. The love came slowly, through breastfeeding, I think. Now, I love her so much I can't stop kissing her over and over whenever she is near enough.

Still I have to say, yes, I do mind getting up at night (the few times I do, as night shifts are dh's job).

And motherhood is absolutely not 'the most rewarding thing I've ever done'. Do you think the woman who told you lived a very exciting & fulfilling life before having kids?

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my ds is 14 mths and i do really adore him now, but it was a grower. AND i do get bored being with him! kids ARE boring sometimes, they are repetitive and on a totally different wave length, so of course it gets dull sometimes. or often! i get bored with my partner too and don't want to spend every minute of my day with him. im sure if he was dependent on me and insisting on my attention 24/7 i would be even keener to escape!
there are a lot of myths about love and how we should feel it. the biggest problem is feeling that your emotions aren't up to scratch. sounds to me like you are a loving and kind mother.
i worry about my temper. not that im going to hurt my kid, but i have a low tolerance for whinging, and i feel an anger, even when the poor lad is ill, that my time and energy is being taken up. sometimes i think this makes me a bad mum too. luckily i do shared childcare with my partner otherwise i'd find it even worse.
my ds is really physical and active and really into books, and i find that every month i like him a little bit more. maybe you will do the same.