I cant cope anymore

[foreverinadaze]

So I posted a week ago. Work signed me off sick. Im back on Monday and I've got 5 days of 10 hour shifts.
So im not coping anymore. I csnt afford anymore time off work. Sick pay is 96 pounds a week. It's ridiculous

But the main reason I'm losing it is my daughters behaviour. Shes very almost 1. I havent bonded with her. I care for her and keep her safe but if she disappeared tomorrow I dont know if id care. I know I'm an awful person for saying this.

Has anyone got any advice? She bites. She pinches. She scratches. She pulls on my face. I say no. She laughs and does it again. I put her down. She screams. I just can't do this anymore.

She doesn't nap. So by bedtime she's a nightmare. I've tried everything. White noise, pram, upstairs, downstairs.

Im tired.

She doesn't eat food. She throws it it on the floor and laughs. She still has a bottle of milk in the morning and the night. I dont have the energy to take it off her yet.

My husband works nights. So thus is all down to me

I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally.

New medication has wiped me out.

Does this get any better?

You sound at your wits end OP. 1 year olds are difficult especially ones with more difficult personalities. DS was the same at about 10-11 months and I couldn’t take much more of it. It does get better. A few thoughts though:

I see a lot of people saying on here to ‘say no and put them down’. Personally that never worked for me when DS was younger. They aren’t pinching and scratching to be naughty at this age. It’s all about cause and affect - they don’t link ‘scratching’ with ‘being put down’ and so understandably get upset. If DS wants holding and looks like he’s going to start trying to pull my hair or try and scratch my face I instead go for instant distraction. If we are in the house, 180 turn and straight outside to watch the cars or the passing planes or listen to the birds. Talk, talk, talk about what we are looking at. Usually works without screaming.

What do you mean by ‘doesn’t nap’? As in shes awake for 12h during the day straight? Or is she falling asleep but for short times and in inappropriate places like the car or the buggy? It sounds like you are trying a lot of things - have you tried anything consistently for a long period of time? What’s her night sleep like?

How are you serving her food? DS was a prolific food thrower. Still is to an extent. We started giving him a plate with a few items on, that we then ‘top up’ from a separate bowl as he finishes. It’s not what you want to hear but he doesn’t throw if he’s truly hungry. Might be time to gently start reducing the bottles for the long term good?

Who looks after her when you are working?

Hope your shifts go okay

@Alicew89 she really hurts me..she bites and pinches and scratches..I'll try the distraction idea. She likes being in the garden so I'll take her out when I see a bite coming my way

She doesn't nap at all thru the day. Occasionally maybe 20 minutes on the bus. She sleeps great on a night. Bath, story, milk and bed. Shes asleep by half 6 and doesn't wake till 7. White noise on all night. I know she's tired thru the day. She rubs her eyes and yawns and generally becomes a crank. But put her in the cot and shes wide awake. Screaming and yelling till she goes past it.

I'll try the food idea. We never used.purees. always did finger food and generally what we ate. She has a bottle of cows milk in the morning with her vitamins in and a bottle after her bath before bed. How would I reduce it? How would i get her off bottles? She drinks from a flat lid bottle thru the day. All water. But she won't take milk from it.

As for work. We work opposite shifts. Not a right lot else we can do. No one we know lives around here so we do it all. Affording a nursery or any sort of childminder is impossible.
So when i get home I take the baby and he goes to work.

Most children benefit from a routine and this may help you too. So if you don't already have one - google one or find a good book. Then she and you will know what is happening when. At the same time everyday when she starts to get tired - after lunch? Take her for a walk in the pushchair and keep going til she falls asleep. Rain or shine. When she's asleep sit down and take a rest.
Do you have anyone who could mind her for a couple of hours to give you a rest? Friend? Relative? There are charities who help people with young children. You just need a break. Don't be afraid to ask.

OP what stood out to me was that you have not bonded and feel you wouldn't mind if she disappeared.

You are not awful for feeling this - you are ill..probably PND. This is a hallmark symptom, doctors will diagnose you based on that. It is incredibly common to feel that way with PND. Please tell a GP.

@Chocolatebuttercream

OP what stood out to me was that you have not bonded and feel you wouldn't mind if she disappeared.

You are not awful for feeling this - you are ill..probably PND. This is a hallmark symptom, doctors will diagnose you based on that. It is incredibly common to feel that way with PND. Please tell a GP.

I went to the gp who gave me a sick note. Which has now ended. When i mentioned it to him he prescribed some antidepressants which I've been taking now for 10 days. I care for her. I make sure she's fed, clean etc. She doesn't want for anything but there's no bond. She stayed at her grandparents for the first time overnight and they all kept saying oh aren't you gonna miss her? Or oh mummy is gonna be missing you. And I didnt. I feel awful. She was such a wanted planned baby after 2 losses. I'll ring the gp again on Monday and see what they say.

Hi @foreverinadaze,
Firstly,I would defiantly push for more help from the gp, does your partner know how you feel and is he supportive of it? Can he take some time off maybe as a holiday, just to give you a good break. How is his relationship with your DD?
My DD is 15 months and can have very big temper tantrums. I find distractions are the best at this age as they are not meaning to cause any harm. My DD still throws good on the floor, if I was you I would find a distraction or not have lots of different choices on plate for her to pick from.
I found Lisa Cleggs blissful baby book and routines absolutely amazing to use to get into a routine and I also use huckleberry,it is £8.99 but I find it so worth It. It will tell you your LO awake windows and best time to put down for a nap - it takes a lot of consistency but over tiredness is so probably the reason your LO is being like this in the day.
Hope this helps - sending virtual hugs

Didn't want to read and run, I'm just linking this where you put in your town and it lists all the places in your area you can get support (I used this when I had pnd and couldn't cope to find some support)

https://www.netmums.com/local/support-groups

If you're working and then taking Dd as your husband is then working I'm not surprised you're burnt out. You need some form of downtime.

Ds2 is 15 months, he grabs he hair pulls, he also has 2 8oz bottles a day which I have no intention of giving up any time soon. He tantrums.

But - dh and I both work 9-5. Which means there's 2 of us to deal with the mornings and evenings. I go for a run 3 times a week and that 30 mins is bliss.

Is even 1 or 2 days a week of childminder unaffordable?

Ds1 is 5.5 and in school, ds2 is in full time nursery - we aren't high earners, but we do what we have to do.

Sorry you feel like this OP
When my 1 year old hits me or pulls my hair or doesn't eat his food etc. I always remind myself that it's not intentional. They just do it to experiment, test boundaries etc. Your DD doesn't know that what she's doing hurts you. It's her way of getting your attention.

Hope it gets better for you x

you say the new medication has wiped you out. You might find a different antidepressant doesnt have that side effect. I was wiped out from citalopram, but not from venlafaxine or fluoxetine.
Does your daughter make eye contact? Whats her relationship like with others? Is she starting to speak at all or walk?

I'll have to look at childcare options again. This isn't working.
My husband has a fantastic relationship with her. He had the fairytale rush of love when she was born and their bond is clear as day.
He knows how I feel but he doesn't understand.
She is chatting away. Knows a few words. Mama, daddy, nana (banana). Not walking yet. But can stand up and shes been crawling since about 8 months.
I dont think there's anything wrong with her.
I'm on citrelopam, tried sertraline which made me feel worse. The citrelopam has sapped what little energy I had
I can see shes such an amazing little girl and her intelligent astounds me. She deserves a proper mum..someone who loves her like her dad does.
I'm gonna ring gp tomorrow. And explain again.

antidepressants take a while to work, can be 6 or so weeks before you feel the benefits.

with the hitting and pinching etc, we say "I can't let you do that" and block the attempt. we don't catch it all the first times but there's usually repeat attempts so every one after that we are prepared and block the movement.

with the food, once throwing starts we say "looks like you're all done now" and take the food away. if hes upset, we just empathise but don't give it back.

hope you feel better soon ❤

Babies are awful. Cute in small doses but when looking after them 24/7 - awful.

All the stuff she is doing sounds fairly normal - but I'm not minimising how bloody hard it is to deal with.

You say she will nap on the bus for 20mins? Could you just stay on the bus and let her sleep? Then take a long walk home once she's awake? That may not work for you as you are working and probably on a tight schedule, but I used to do that when I was on mat leave. I relished the peace while she was asleep then the walk home killed a bit of the day as well.

It's hard. But hang on in there x

how long have you been on the citalopram for? It might very well be that neither of them are the best one for you. You dont have to put up with crippling fatigue as a side effect.
I think the right meds for you will help lift the black cloud and help you nourish your relationship with your baby, but you also might need some counselling to talk about how you are emotionally responding to your baby hurting you.

I think the fairytale rush of love, is often just a fairytale. Love is also a verb and you are loving your daughter by caring for her and meeting her needs. The soppy feelings are only one part of that, and if you are in the middle of a depression, then its hard to feel joy and love and affection on top of meeting everyones needs.

I think you might be putting too much emphasis on feeling a "bond" when you might just be the sort of mother that doesnt enjoy babies and enjoys them more once they get older.
you and your partner are both working, trying not to use nurseries and are barely ships that pass in the night. This is enough to put strain on any family

Two things . First, the advice about a routine that is the same for whoever is looking after her may do the trick with getting in a nap early afternoon. Secondly, it can take up to a month for antidepressants to work so hang on in there! You're doing amazing xxx

So you think she might be attacking you for attention maybe? Do you play with her interact with her? If not give it a go everyday find something for both of you to do together like painting, chalking outside, baking, games anything she should enjoy it & it might also help for you to bond. Hope it gets better

You need to give the SSRIs longer for starters I'm afraid. 2 weeks is about the minimum to see any improvement and even then you might need a doseage increase. I remember just how vile I felt starting sertraline and how much better I was after doseage went up- it's been 4 years since I went back on, and honestly, I think I'm on them for the long term. They're the difference between functioning and not for me and having enough resilience to cope

As for baby behaviour, none of this is with the intention of hurting you, she just isn't old enough to think that way. Nor is she old enough to have impulse control. Try to model things you would like e.g. kisses, holding hands and say 'let's do this' or, as others have said, distract.

I apparently was also a non-napper by this age, and DS was hard work to get to nap after about 10 mo although we kept them til just after 2 (sadly he was crap overnight too). It is tough without that respite.

While nobody lives close, is there someone who can come even for a few days to give you a chance to recharge a little.

You are not awful for feeling this - you are ill..probably PND. This is a hallmark symptom, doctors will diagnose you based on that. It is incredibly common to feel that way with PND. Please tell a GP.

This. I did a bad thing once (and only once I hasten to add) when DS pushed me to my limits I smacked him hard on the leg and left a mark that lasted a while after. He was 3 or 4. I will never forget the guilt I felt after that. It was like I wasn't in control of my body. I just ran away from the situation afterwards and left him with DH and bless him if he didn't come running after me screaming! I said sorry over and over hugging him to me and vowed to never let that happen again.
I didn't realise at the time I was depressed and never told anyone either.
I send you strength to get thru this phase and hope you get the support you need. Good luck x

It's only been a few days but an update for anyone wondering

I went to the gp yesterday and she was lovely. I cried. A lot. I've been signed off sick again. I went to work and explained the circumstances and they've agreed to give me 3 days a week rather than 5 and I can work 9 hour days and still make enough money

The tablets I'm persevering with and I'm just now spending time with my daughter and doing what I imagine you do with a newborn. Just sitting and watching her while she sleeps. We went to the park yesterday to see the ducks.

I'm not feeling great but I'm feeling better.

Thanks for everyone wjo helped

So glad you are feeling a little better. It will take time. Be patient with yourself. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

I'm glad you've spoken to someone again,

and the 3 days will hopefully make a huge difference - you need downtime, everyone needs downtime - a burnt out parent is no good, to her or you.

We used the Gina ford routine. Some people don't like it but it worked for us. My husband has a head injury and suffered from depression and didn't bond with our first born for a year but a routine helped us all get rest etc.