It’s getting too hard

[HarryHarryHarry3]

I have 2 children aged nearly 2 and 3.5. Up til now I’ve really enjoyed being a stay at home parent (not going back to work was partly a choice but also necessity because we live overseas and I don’t speak the language well enough yet to get a job) but over the summer I started to get this feeling that I just don’t want to do it anymore. I can’t quite explain- I just feel utterly fed up of entertaining toddlers, trying to calm or prevent tantrums, being climbed on, accidentally hit or kicked, having my hair pulled, hanging around various playgrounds… I have zero patience with all the fussing and whining and most of the time I just want to scream. I’ve never felt like this before so it is kind of worrying.

Both kids started full time nursery this week so I can start taking full-time language lessons. I miss them so much and worry about them all day long but when I’m around them again I find that the fed-up feeling is still there.

What has happened to me? Is it normal? Although I have not shown my feelings enough for the kids notice a difference I feel like such a shit mother for wanting to be away from them.

You're not a shit mother. It can get a bit much and make you feel a bit lost. You could speak to the GP to rule out depression if you can't shake the feelings.

I've been a sahm for over a decade, I've had those feelings of dread at times. I found that having something that was "just for me" really helped me feel better in myself and not like I was "just a mum". For me it was starting powerlifting, it's my "me time" and it melts my stress away. Currently only 4.5wk post c-section so not able to go back to lifting yet (stopped a few weeks before birth) and missing it now I'm feeling better physically.

I'm feeling like this for various reasons op. I feel like I have just had enough of not getting time for me. Youngest ds started nursery (part-time) this week but has had a wobbly time of it. I am desperate to have some time to myself as I don't have much support in real life and feel as if I have struggled to have an adult conversation for so long.

I know I would feel better if I had more time...but the problem is I'm not sure what would qualify as 'enough' time as like you, that fed up feeling can come all too readily. I have been a sahm for many, many years. It's not work I miss as such as there are several hobbies I can pursue but I feel like I am always being squeezed into available time slots. I couldn't put into words what you have written...I don't think I felt courageous enough but you have hit the nail on the head as to how I've been feeling.

Watching this thread with interest.

I wouldn't be surprised if I am slightly depressed as I have had a good deal to contend with. I've struggled in the past to find ADs that suit me.

Just think about what a great job you are doing looking after your children. It has no less value than if you were out all day working. It is a hard job, but a job nevertheless and you should be proud of it! Raising little kids is extremely hard and relentless. It's as though you ought to be grateful for half an our out of a full day for a bit of peace when you do manage that tiny bit of alone time.

I'm a SAHM to two under 4. I had a stressful, highly paid job prior to the DC. I became a SAHM because I left that that profession to try to have children, as I believed the stress impacted my fertility. We were struggling for a while to get pregnant. Anyway, we were lucky to have our two children eventually and I have decided not to return to my profession. However, I do have a part-time self employed job that I fit around the DC and do it fr home and do various different hours each week. It helps me keep my hand in so to speak. But I agree you definitely need to try to do something for yourself. It's great you are doing the language course. Hopefully once your DC become settled at nursery you will enjoy that time to learn and then you can see where you want that to take you. You are not a bad mum for wanting time by yourself, it's completely normal. Somedays if I feel in a bit of a rut it can take me some time to get focused and think of things to do with the DC, it's hard when they rely on you fir simply everything.

Have a think of what you would do if you had the time for yourself, make a little list, even small things such as read a magazine in peace, then try to find some time to do them.

Hope you feel better soon, but truly you are doing a great job, and a very important job too .

I think it's a kind of burn out honestly.

You can end up giving so much to children and by the time you stop to catch your breath you realise there isn't any left.

You need proper downtime so that you have the energy to enjoy them again rather than just feeling guilty all the time. That doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you human! And believe it or not they will benefit from you bring a fully rounded person with friends and goals and a little bit of separation every now and again.

A lot of the regular meet ups have stopped due to covid, but are there expat or immigrant or just English speaker groups near you? Facebook or meetup.com are good places to look and from there you may find something unofficial. Finding a group of people to go on a night out with makes a huge amount of difference and having someone to share those moments of trying to live bilingually while you wrangle a toddler and feel everyone is staring and judging because in their culture toddlers magically don't have tantrums is absolutely priceless. :o

Do you have many friends where you are? Perhaps living in a country where you don’t speak the language fluently is contributing to a sense of isolation.

@ManicPixie Yes that’s true but I’m also not that bothered about having friends. Never have been - which is why I was OK with moving here lol! I see the friends I do have a couple of times a week and that’s enough for me.

I have a lot of hobbies/interests so it’s not like my days are empty or anything. I think I am probably just burnt out. It sounds weird but I never really understood why people wanted/needed “me time” away from their children until now! I found being a parent really fun, which is why my current mood is worrying me.

As a pp said, I think it’s a kind of burn out. Your dc only just started nursery so of course you’re worrying about them. And the small amount of time away from them that you’ve had so far won’t be restoring you just yet. I’m settling my youngest in nursery for a few mornings a week at the moment and wonder how long it will take to feel that I have reserves of patience and calm again. Parenting in a pandemic has certainly depleted them massively!

It sounds totally normal :) You'll get that fun feeling back when you've had a break. It's not gone, it's just not sustainable forever.