temper-tantrums... i'm at my wits end

[Nip]

DS is coming up to 20mo and has turned into a nightmare. He spent most of last night before bed throwing himself on the floor and screaming his head off because.............. i turned the lounge light on! I also offered him some juice, this was also another reason to throw himself to the floor and eventually roll all the way across to the wall and bang his head.

How do you cope with this? I dont want to pander to him at every occassion but i'm really not sure what to do. He woke at 4am this morning and i just sat in bed crying, i feel physically and mentally exhausted.

I have explained this to parents etc and they just laugh and say "he's ok when he's with us" in a jokey manner.

anyone.... bump!

Sorry to hear that you are knackered and parents not supportive. Is he particularly tired at that time of the day? Would going to bed earlier/slightly more sleep in the day help? I am def not an expert because dd is 16 months (altho entering the phase you describe!). Part of it is definitely frustration at not being able to articulate what it is they want (she keeps shouting 'dat! dat!' a lot, whilst I think 'What is dat??!' . Lately we have had some success with 'Show me', where she takes us to what she wants....not that she always gets it! Also, explaining what is going to happen beforehand has been really useful, and using terms she understands, rather than 'in a minute'. 'After we have watched Iggle Piggle we are going to go up the stairs' etc etc. Good luck!

Awful isn't it?! What I always used to do was try and get into dds head and see what could have upset her so badly. Turning lounge light on? Did he want to do it (be a big boy? - I lift dds up and let them do it). Not sure about the juice, but maybe he'd just got into the swing of tantruming!! Its not so much pandering to every whim, but picking your battles. i.e. what is worth being strict over. If I said no to everything dd would never listen to the NOs that I really mean - touching oven, running into road etc. So I just have to stop take a deep breath and say Is it worth the battle? Distraction usually works, or singing, laughing at them or as long as they are safe totally ignoring them.

I've really tried to sway his attention to something else, but he's so worked up he just carries on.

With regards to the light switch, he was stood in the lounge, it was pitch black and he was scared and said very gingerly "mummy" so i said "shall i turn the light on?" and he said yes.... so i assumed this may have been what he wants (silly me hey!), as he often likes me to switch the lights on (In fact its been a source of amusement at times!)

I'm confused at what i'm doing wrong, surely i dont go and pick him up each time he has a strop? or do i? During these episodes i'm never strict with him because he hasnt done anything wrong, he's just screaming.

He sat last night eating his tea, until the food fell off his spoon and he just lost it. He screamed and cried, i asked him if he wanted more tea which made him worse and he screamed 'no mummy', so i took the plate away, he then screamed more wanting it back, so i put it in front of him and he tried to throw it on the floor. He didnt want to be picked up, he just sat there screaming and crying, until i eventually got him out of the high chair.

I dont know whats happened to him, he was such a happy funny child, and now just seems to angry with everything

Could he be coming down with a cold? My dd (now 3) is very often like this when she's under the weather.

When dd gets like this I just pick her up and put her on sofa/bed and tell her i'm going to let her calm down and then we can have a chat/cuddle. There is nothing in the world that will stop a tantrum mid flow (even chocolate with mine!) so i tend to ride it out and attempt to find out what's what after.

Does he have much speech? Agree with notyummy that it could be fustration at not making himself understood, which will get better as his speech improves.

He still is a happy funny child, he's just struggling a little with growing up.

Ds was definitely having the terrible 2s at 18mo or earlier. He's now 2.7 and at least articulate enough to be able to tell us (most of the time) what he wants - which helps. Some of the tantrums we had earlier were definitely a result of not being able to communicate properly.

However, we have found the best option, in many situations - is either to try to get him laughing (sometimes I have a 'tantrum' on floor beside him and look at him grumpily and have another wail - that sometimes gets him giggling instead) - or put him somewhere 'safe' - we use the hall floor as its usually fairly empty and nothing much happening - and just leave him to it. I would say that one or other of these options - and you have to know which one to use, based on his (and your) mood - is always sucessful in time.

I have even been known to leave him sitting on the ground in the park and walk off (obviously keeping an eye on him and making sure that there are no people that are going to make off with him!) - he soon decides that he wants to be back with me and we normally have a bit of a cuddle and then get on with the walk.

Best of luck - you just need to find a way that works for you and your ds.

Nip, have just posted on the thread that you linked this to (does that make sense!). My dd1 also seems to have started terrible 2's a bit early (god, I hope this is the terrible 2's - surely it can't get worse ). Very occasionally she can be distracted/made to laugh out of it, otherwise I do what Mistlethrush says and leave her to it. I am just going to go and reread the bit on tantrums in Penelope Leach - Baby and Child, it doesn't tell you how to stop them, but describes the fear and rage they are going through very well, and gives me hope that this is just a phase....I hope!

My eldest did this and the one thing I can remember being told that makes sense is that you need an audience to have a temper tantrum. Remove the audience (you) and it will stop.

I second mistlethrush's advice of putting him somewhere boring and safe and leaving him to it, if distraction doesn't work.

You can sometimes head it off with a really OTT Joyce Grenfell impression "oh DS! A big dog just walked past the window! Did you see it? Shall we have a look outside?" You feel a bit daft but it can work if you time it right.

Funnily enough it was only my firstborn did this. None of the others ever did (although DD2 isn't quite old enough yet)

DD throws quite a good tantrum when the mood takes her. I found the NCT tantrums book really helpful. If I see it coming I try to distract her. But once she is in full flow I try to leave her to it(so long as she is somewhere safe - if not I might pick her up and carry her somewhere safe and then sit with her on my knee facing away from her but holding her until she calms down). Then some cuddles afterwards.

I do find that they are more likely when either I'm tired and stroppy (does she pick up on my mood and act it out, or do I just find the whole thing harder to deal with? not sure) or if she hasn't had enough running around outside and/or enough sleep. Or she is coming down with something.

I am assured by friends with older children that this too will pass.