DD 6 always pretending to be helpless and dumb

[flack]

Rarely wants or willing to do anything independently (like getting dressed, or even choosing what to wear by herself)
On homework often pretends she doesn't know the answer, or consistently gets the answer wrong in a way that tells me she's just being perverse.
Asks me stupid questions with obvious answers that she full well knows the answer to -- like "What's a duvet?"
She lacks confidence, so much so that she's afraid to appear competent at anything!
The pretend inability and stupidity are driving me crazy. She's actually very bright and quite capable at most things, as long as she's not feeling anxious about them.
She has always been a bit like this, but I think it's worse lately.
WHAT do I do??

It sounds like she wants your attention, as you say it is probably a self confidence issue.

Not wishing to be stroppy, but the thread title upset me. To describe your dd as 'dumb' is mean, I hope you don't use this term to her, as this would have a massive impact on her confidence. Also, my daughter is Deaf and is described by people as deaf and dumb. I hate it and find it extremely offensive. Sorry.

Sorry to upset you, maybe you can ask MN HQ to change the thread title?
I'm foreign and this stuff is a cultural minefield.
My American cousin feels the same about the word 'retarded'. She feels the word is 100% fine to use for her son who has Downs Syndrome, and she gets angry if anyone uses says "retarded" in any other context but for people with Downs. But in the UK, people would take huge offense at any person with poor cognitive abilities being called retarded, whether they had Downs or not.

I know it's a kind of performance anxiety in DD. But it's grating because it's so constant. I want her to do it less if not at all.

I just thought that writing "pretending to be stupid" sounded even harsher on DD. There's nothing with being not being clever, but DD pretending to be...er, what word is okay to use? "dim?" - I find hard to take.

Some girls (and I say girls because, IME, they tend to do this more than boys) do this.

Does your DD do it all the time? Is she consistent or does it happen more often some days/ weeks than others? Is it more noticeable in certain situations? Does she do it at school? Why is she anxious?

Do you think she is just trying to initiate a conversation but doesn't really know how to? If she is 6, she is still learning social skills. Could she actually be asking something more complicated - when she asked what is a duvet could she have meant what does it consist of, or what is it made of?

I think it might be a good idea to talk with her teacher to see what she thinks. I'd be concerned if it happened a lot at school but less worried if it is only something she does with you.

I think the main thing is to reassure her - that it is good to speak up, to share an answer or ask a question. Boost her confidence - tell her how well she is doing when she is doing well, tell her how clever you think she is and how wonderful it is that she is good at things. Make her know you are proud of her. And that she has every right to be proud of herself. That it is ok if you don't know something or to get things wrong but that it isn't good to pretend to deliberately make mistakes.

Thanks for the reply, OverRated. I think she only does it with me, not at school. It's partly to get my approval. That makes me sound like an over-bearing always disapproving dragon, but I know I'm not like that. She is just SO insecure and always has been, sandwiched in the middle of over-confident brothers -- who are pretty decent to her, in fact, especially considering they are boys.

We do tell her how pleased we are when she does well, and I think I manage to keep any other criticism to behaviour, not about her instrinsically -- like, I would never say 'You have no common sense!' like I heard another mom tell her 6yo the other day.

I'm not worried, exactly, I'm just struggling to find the patience to deal with recurring questions that she full well knows the answer to, or when she reads to me, she often pretends to struggle with text I know she can manage with barely input. It's like she's bored of doing well, so she pretends it's difficult. And what's the point of me trying to help her read when she's pretending she can't read what she can?

It sounds as though you are doing the right thing.

Have you asked her about it? Maybe if you talk with her it might help? Then just ignoring it if she continues but give her lots of attention for other things.

Maybe she needs something more challenging to do/ read/ think about? If she feels the need to pretend to struggle, perhaps she is really wishing she had something that would require some effort.

Best of luck.

I'm kind of surprised no one else has had the same problem. Tonite DD came into the kitchen every 30 seconds to tell me what was happening on a CBBC programme (over a period of 15+ minutes) ...not just that, but she insisted I repeat back to her a summary of what she said each time to make sure I was truly listening to her. I was franticaly trying to cook tea, wash up, make lunches for tomorrow, sort thru a dozen permission slips and home-made cake packaging for tomorrow Xmas fayre, so I really didn't want to give her just then the unrelenting attention she sought. I had given her some 1-to-1 attention earlier, but it's never enough for her lately.

Yes we do talk about it... I end up telling her the truth that she is getting on my nerves! Walk home from school she constantly interrupts anything her older brother tries to say, I have to make them take turns talking, and then she gets teary because she can't tell me for the dozenth time this week: "That's Mary's house don't you know?!" or whatever other thought has seized her brain that instant and she is terrified she'll forget to tell me this vital fact if she has to wait another second. At home, she insists on knowing where i am putting my toothbrush for the day or night so that hers can be next to it. She can't seem to stop talking to everyone thru meals, which means that most her meals take forever.

I need to put this all into the context that she used to be such a shy and quiet child(!)

It's getting to the point that I dread reading or doing homework with her because she deliberately makes lots of mistakes to see if I'm paying attention. So I constantly correct her which is tedious not least because it's so unnecessary. If I don't correct her, she stops and complains that she made a mistake and I should have noticed. I don't want to bother trying after that, since I'm not helping her learn, she just sees the experience as an opportunity to keep playing some kind of attentiong-seeking game with me. I tell her this game gets on my nerves, and she still does it!

Oh well...

Sounds really exhausting for the pair of you. And you have my sympathy as you've obviously got a lot on and it sounds like she's not easy to satisfy. My six year old dd has short bursts of this but nothing like you describe. The homework thing in particular sounds very entrenched. Sounds like she is very down on herself and that both your expectations are to do with things being wrong and pointed out as wrong. Do you think you are maybe a bit of a perfectionist? Maybe DD sensed she was falling short so is kind of metaphorically repeatedly hurling herself short with the homework. Do you ever get her to repeat back to you what you've said to her, to make sure she's listening and she's copying that, like a sort of mirroring thing? I think you have to find some way of drawing a line in the sand. It sounds really tense and intense. Her behaviour and questions indicate to me that she doesn't feel very sure of your love at the moment and I think she is embodying your message to her that she is 'getting on your nerves'.I think it's time for a big brave, sustained piece of acting from you. Next time you get 'what is a duvet?' Maybe you should try and go the 'A duvet is.... the snuggliest friend on a cold night' or 'too big for the washing machine. How big do you think the washing machine would have to be to fit it in?'. Might be challenging but bet not as exhausting as you are currently finding your relationship with her. At the risk of sounding schmaltzy you need to find a way of injecting some joy and fun. Hold her hand. Kiss it. Smile at her. Fall in love with each other all over again.

Thanks for the reply, Toots. Honest, I am not a perfectionist; it's DD who's the perfectionist! I get loads of feedback from other parents that I'm not ambitious or demanding enough of DC. If anything, it's DD who wants ME to live up to her image of who /what she thinks a mother should be. So I think your reply is on the wrong track, but I don't mind because it's nice to know someone is listening. Sorry this is jumbled, I'm still trying to figure it out myself (obviously).

I may ask her to repeat stuff back if I'm not sure she heard me and it's important -- like, put on your shoes so we can go to school, don't touch that hot mug, etc., but not otherwise. DD's actually going thru a very confident stage, has been brave enough to do lots of new things lately. But (I think) she's still afraid of independence, so she likes to slip back into helpless baby mode around me to balance out her underlying anxieties.

DD reminds me of my mother, actually, who also just wanted her whole life that someone else cosset her and take care of everything So sadly, DD's behaviour pushes a set of buttons with me although DD's attitude is relatively much more tolerable, given she's only 6 and my DD.

Don't know why DD turned out like this, but then don't know how my mother got me. My other DC are very confident boys who also are proud of me and come to me for comfort, but they don't cling. DD behaviour is partly hard because I'm a very independent person who loves her space. Am not prone to big displays of affection, which I suppose is exactly what DD is craving (I do give her some daily affection, honest)... plus she hero-worships me. "You're my favourite person in the world" she tells me daily, "I want to be just like you", etc. DD sometimes pretends to be me during school playtimes.