Can we have a kind party etiquette thread for dummies?

[bookh]

My Dd, nearly 3, has been invited to her first party, thanks to lockdown.

I am an over thinker. Long story short, told wouldn't have children, many losses, waited fifteen years, we now have two. I have very few mum friends and zero clue on etiquette.

Anyway, invite is for her and baby, probably because the mum knows I have zero help and DH is farmer and it's harvest so that's very kind.

My worries

Do I offer to help? Make something? Like a message can I make a traybake or something? Is that rude?

Do I take a gift for mum like I would at a dinner party? Flowers or the like?

It's 1 till 4. Dd has lunch 12. I was thinking feed her as normal then go? Because she doesn't eat if excited then we get hangry. Is that ok?

Then present, card, thank you card?

Clothing? It's at their home. Do you dress kids up? Like party dress or just usual smart wear?

Do I invite back as a play date or now have a party? Wasn't even thinking about it as I am so bad at this stuff. Like if she goes to a party and has a party do I invite everyone who has asked her? She not at nursery or anything so no full class worries yet.

I'm only used to hosting business dinners for male colleagues pre my retirement or farmer type big meals. Never been to a child's party for years. I'm aware I sound like an idiot, I'm an ex court solicitor who has no idea about these things. And really want Dd to have fun and not be let down by me.

Any advice from seasoned birthday party people would be so great fully appreciated.

I imagine everyone does things slightly differently, but I have 3 DC of various ages under 10.
I wouldn't normally offer to bake/take anything for a party, but I do ask if I can bring anything for play dates.
Just a card and birthday present for the birthday child. No gifts or cards for the parents.
Wear party clothes unless it's a certain type of party that requires otherwise! Eg swimming party
Invite that child back to my DC's party to reciprocate. No need to offer a play date.

Yes, offer to bring something. No, no 'hostess gift', yes, feed your child as normal - she'll eat or not as will the others. At that age they like getting dressed up. No thank you card (you'll take your turn!) Spend about £5 on a gift, nothing you wouldn't want to receive (we got 6 play dough kits the year DD turned 3 and needed a new carpet, lol!). And if she has fun, definitely invite the birthday child to yours for a play. Give it a week or so to allow the mum to recover from the party and do the thank yous etc. Hope you have fun!

Also if it's 1-4pm I would give lunch about 12 as I imagine there will be a party tea at some point. It's usually towards the end of the party before the birthday cake 🎂
I hope your dd has a lovely time! It's so nice for them to be able to get out and about and do these fun, normal things again!

No need to offer to bring anything but you can offer if you want. Don’t be surprised if they don’t want anything.

Just bring a present for the birthday child. Probably a little extra given that this is from your two DC. They probably won’t open presents during the party and you might or might not get a thank you text after. You can text and say thanks for the party, especially if your child had a very good time.

If you know the parents very well, offer to bring wine to drink during the party. If you don’t, do not suggest this - you will look like an alcoholic. You do not need to bring a present for the parents.

Feed your child first. At that age the party food is an extra and likely won’t replace a meal unless it falls exactly over that meal time. Be prepared that your child will eat utter rubbish and love it.

Let your child choose what to wear. Some will dress up, some won’t. My DS always wore football kit…

No obligations to invite the birthday child to a play date, but do consider it if they are good friends. No obligations to hold a party either - but a couple of good parties during childhood makes for good memories!

Just read @GentlyGentlyOhDear inviting the birthday child for a play date is not expected, but if you want to widen your daughter's social circle because she's not at nursery its a good opportunity!

I would spend more than £5 on a gift personally, but certainly not more than £20 as that puts pressure on (I used to think about £10 but that was a few years ago).

Oh my, thank you all so much.

She will be starting small village nursery January. So this is a meet in park mum. Bumped into by chance, or because I live there.

Dd asking me lots of questions so this is so kind of you all.

Will give her lunch, I thought 1 was a funny time? But that's maybe because mine eat early. Baby Dd is in a pram stage but will do a bit extra on gift and totally understand it's very kind of her to include her.

Have fun! I think at this age the children just do what they like and it's a nice opportunity for the parents to chat and get to know each other better. When I've hosted children's parties I'm usually quite nervous, so I've appreciated a text afterwards off parents to say their child enjoyed themselves!!

I agree with PPs, present and card for the child, don't take anything for the parents, but if you get on then offer to have them to you for a play date sometime.

Different children like different things re dressing up. Some kids hate dressing up fancy, or wearing outfits. I send DD in her normal clothes.

I don't think you should feel obliged to ask her to your party, but if you get on and you do happen to have a party then maybe it would be nice to ask her.

Tbh the thing that would make you a stand out guest is while there, or afterwards, offer help arranging food, offering it out etc and get the bin bags out after. Kids parties are usually pain to arrange and tidy up after so offering plenty of help would probably be good!

Enjoy! They get easier as they get older.

@Lovelydovey I'm laughing at the wine comment. I've never been to a party without taking wine....yet I will be driving, it will be lunchtime and I couldn't tell you the last time I managed a glass. But I also thought should I take wine! Alcoholic comment noted. I don't know them at all.

@NorthernDramaLlama yes thats true about widening the social circle offering a play date. I was remembering the amount of parties 3 and 4 year olds usually get invited to and I think I would have declined all party offers if I had felt obliged to offer playdates to reciprocate
I usually spend about £7-12 on a present depending on how well we know the birthday child.

Will absolutely text afterwards. Good tip. Also more than happy to help, baby should sleep all afternoon so will give me something to think about other than what toddler is doing.

I feel so ashamed writing this.

We did loads of classes pre lockdown, then she was one the January but I didn't even think about parties at that stage. Was more cuppa and cake with baby in pram stage. Suddenly they are turning 3, classes don't run here now, play dates are bump into someone at park.

I just have zero idea what's normal and what's not.

Take a present and card for the birthday child but no need to offer to take anything for the parents or party.

I would assume 1-4 is an after lunch party so they are likely to have tea towards the end of the session rather than lunch at the start. So yes feed lunch as usual at 12.

Party dress is nice if your DD wants to dress up a little but casual/every day clothes are perfectly acceptable if not.

If you have a birthday party, it’s customary to reciprocate the invite but don’t have a party if you weren’t going to. A play date would be nice if you want to build the relationship, but not expected.

Ah ok, so most likely to have had lunch and then a party type tea. Probably more tea when home. Ok.

For small DC, 1-4 is a fairly normal sort of time (except a bit long - two hours will probably be enough!). Most DC of that age will eat 12-12.30ish so parent is definitely expecting them to have eaten lunch. Parent will provide party tea but timing means that if your DC don't like it, you can feed them when you get home.

My DC got invited to lots of big parties but are both shy/anxious so only ever wanted small parties (and had first ones aged 4). So we definitely never invited to ours all those who invited us, but most parents understood. If it's a small party then might be nice to invite their DC for a playdate but no need to feel obliged to or to feel you have to hold a party just to repay it.

My only tip is that if it's a "parents stay" party (and at this age that's definitely normal) then expect to help out a little in terms of making sure your DC gets the food they want, go to toilet etc. If you didn't have a baby with you, I'd also expect you to eg help clearing up plates (rather than just stand there the whole time chatting to other parents whist the hosts frantically ran round) but with a baby no one will expect that.

Just feel like I've missed a huge part of this learning curve. This mum has three, so will not be new at this like me. The mums I know from groups children birthday as follow mine so I can't ask them. Unchartered party territory about to be entered. ,much more smoothly thanks to you all.

Grown ups party- dress nicely, arrive 30 mins to 1 hour after stated start time, bring a bottle, you might get food, leave slowly
Kids party- only the kid wears party clothes, arrive 5-10 mins after stated start time, do not bring a bottle or they will think you are an alcoholic, £5-10 gift and card (which they won't open while you are there), sometimes adults are not fed only kids (!), leave promptly at stated end time.
Enjoy!!

@bookh

I feel so ashamed writing this.

We did loads of classes pre lockdown, then she was one the January but I didn't even think about parties at that stage. Was more cuppa and cake with baby in pram stage. Suddenly they are turning 3, classes don't run here now, play dates are bump into someone at park.

I just have zero idea what's normal and what's not.

Go easy on yourself! It'll be fine. Just don't bring alcohol

@bookh so glad I saw your post! I'm a first time mum and had a lot of these Qs on this! Lovely helpful replies so reassuring! 💗 totally makes sense the replies above, have a paracetamol before you get there lol if you can't stand a lot of noise too it'll help take the edge of a headache, I was advised by a friend that she does that ha ha lol! 😂 But enjoy, it's much less stressful being a guest remember, enjoy watching your LO having fun, say a thank you at the end for the invite, no gift for the parents needed just a reasonably priced gift and card for birthday child. X x

@bookh no advice here as we’ve not hit that stage yet ourselves but just want to say you sound like a lovely person and mum for wanting to make sure you’re a good guest and your daughter has a good time. Now to breathe and enjoy yourselves with all the good advice offered above x