Can a baby forget who their Mum is?

[Karenah86]

I feel stupid even writing this but I've been getting really down over the past week. I have a beautiful 7.5 month baby boy whom I love dearly. However, currently my in laws are staying with us for a total of 6 weeks, they've been here 3 weeks so far. They don't live in the UK so this is the first time they've met my son and understandably want to spend as much time with him as possible. However I'm starting to feel like I don't get any time with him. They want to hold or play with him all the time, they even feed him as he's bottle fed. He'll be in my arms and they'll say something like 'come to Granny' and practically take him off me. He loves spending time with them which is great as I want him to have a good relationship with them. However I'm now beginning to worry he prefers them over me and dare I say it, is almost forgetting that I'm his Mum! Sounds absolutely ridiculous when I say it out loud but I just can't shake the feeling. He'll give them massive smiles when they come downstairs in the morning, and look for them when they leave the room, but doesn't seem bothered if I'm there or not! I guess I just need some reassurance that I am in fact being ridiculous! Also if anyone's been in a similar situation and got any advice on how to subtly address this with them that would be amazing. I had such a good relationship with my son before they arrived and just feel so sad that I'm potentially losing my bond with him 😢

This sounds like a really intense visit and I'm not surprised you're feeling overwhelmed by them wanting to hold him all the time. I had similar dynamics with my in-laws as we live quite a way apart so don't see them that often. What I found helped was having to literally be blunt and say "I'm just going to take him to the other room to settle him" and then walking off. My DS was bottle fed expressed milk as he couldn't latch, and after me sobbing when my MiL and her mum (well-intentionally) took it upon themselves to feed my child my milk DH and I agreed that we'd have a rule where only DH and I gave our baby bottles. Would you and DH feel able to say something similar to them? Hope the last 3 weeks go smoothly x

Sorry-most importantly of all I meant to add that your child will definitely not forget you. Grandparents might seem novel to them at the moment but they will never be you. 😊 Best move is to gently assert yourself to getting more time back, you need it as much as your bubba does!

Well yes a baby can forget their mum, but it requires complete long term separation. Many military women had that when they went on 6month to 1yr deployments to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

But, your baby is not forgetting you because you are in contact with him every day. It is more likely that the excitement and smiles are because grandparents are still new to him. He’s not as excited about you because you are a permanent, will always be there for him safe haven. Believe me, if you were separated from him, he would miss you incredibly.

This does sound intense! If you want a bit of time with your baby, you are perfectly entitled to take this. It’s good for both of you.

But, he absolutely hasn’t forgotten that you’re his mum!! It’s a developmental thing. He doesn’t think of you as someone that can really leave him and go anywhere. You are his constant, his whole world. His grandparents are new and fun but they aren’t you, and can never be you. Him being like this with you suggests he feels really safe and secure with you. Sounds like you’re doing a really good job.

He definitely, without a doubt, knows you’re his mum. No one is more important to him than you, and your bond is really strong.

It sounds like a really full on visit - you’ve been really generous to be so accommodating. Don’t forget that your in laws have novelty value, which is what your son is responding to you. But his bond with you isn’t superficial like that - it runs so deeply, no visit (even an extended one) from relatives could disrupt that.

Please remember as well that you’re perfectly entitled to assert your boundaries. It’s ok to say that you’re holding on to him for a minute or that you are going to feed him. You don’t have to facilitate their interaction with him 100% of the time, especially if it isn’t making you feel good.

As you still are there every day no he won't forget you but it sounds like you need to carve out some one on one time each day.

He won't forget you. My LO acts like my mum is best thing since slice bread when she sees her, and it's a good couple days a week. Still I trumph all even daddy.

I would suggest going out for day just you and LO. Just say I'm going out. Just me and little one today. Need some quality time. Do that couple afternoons a week so you don't lose that bond if your worried x

No your baby won't forget you, but that doesn't mean your feelings are not valid. It sound the GPs are overstepping the mark and a nice but frank conversation to establish some boundaries would be a good idea.

Can you talk to your partner about this and between you agree how to frame a pleasant and positive conversation with his parents. Perhaps you could do this by outlining a rough daily routine for the baby with some clearly set activities or parts of the schedule that are your and your partners domain and others where you are more than happy for the GPs to step in and have time with the baby.

Honestly, if you don't do this early on, it will get worse over time and you really need your partner to be supporting you in this.

Remember you are your child's mother and so if you don't want them to grab your child out of your arms you are within your rights to say no, in fact it's important to be the one in charge. When you have a baby you go from being the child and having to do what relatives want to some degree to being a parent and being in charge of what happens to your child - legally and just generally! I know it's uncomfortable to put your foot down but it won't be the last time. There will be peers, other relatives, teachers, doctors, strangers who might want to do X Y or Z with your child and you have to be able to stand up for them and yourself and be assertive - if you're a people pleaser it can be excrutiating but has to be done. I've toughened up so much since I had my first!

And no of course he won't forget you're his mum - like others have said it's the novelty factor and it is nice that he's got loving grandparents but jesus that would drive me nuts!!

Babies are fickle things! I remember having something very similar with my in-laws with my son. He was around the same age and they looked after him while I worked (part time). I used to be in tears because he seemed to prefer them and didn't bat an eye when I left (or returned to pick him up!). He's actually a real mummy's boy now, as he got older he gravitated towards me more and more and I was left in no doubt of his love for me as his mummy. It started change around the 18 month mark, that's also when separation anxiety kicked in. Up until then he'd have happily gone with anyone and seemingly preferred them to me!

6 weeks with the in laws 😱 No wonder you’re losing the plot. And yes you’re being bonkers because of course he knows who his mum is, but poor poor you. To save your sanity I’d try to make an excuse to get out just you and baby at least once a day like the supermarket, fake a medical appointment, baby group, whatever you need to.

Your baby won't forget who you are but if it's bothering you, you need to say. It doesn't have to be a disagreement. Next time they try to take him say something like "No thank you, I haven't had a cuddle with him in a while".

When I visited my parents overseas my mum used to pop into our room at 6am to take the (2mo) baby for some morning cuddles before my Dad went off to work. She thought she was doing us a favour letting us catch up on sleep and my Dad loved spending time with her before heading off for the day. I was actually still in the loved up phase where I just liked to lay there and marvel at her. I kept quiet because it was for 4 weeks and we lived an 8 hour flight away. I did have to ask to have her back sometimes during the day, though it backfired once when she did an explosive poo all over me 2 minutes after taking her from my dad

Your baby is not going to forget you @Karenah86, you are his mum. You say how happy he is, of course he is, hes getting loads of love from his grandparents as well as you and his dad.

You are being a great mum and he will never love anyone the way he loves you. Let him soak up all their love before they go home.

He'll be in my arms and they'll say something like 'come to Granny' and practically take him off me

"Nope, sorry. It's mummy time at the moment. I'll share later"

Definitely not! You only get one Mum.

6 weeks is also ridiculous- I wouldn’t say yes to that again. Maybe half in a hotel? Honestly I love having visitors but even my own family it’s max 1- 2 weeks. My introvert self hates it otherwise! Plus it’s taking away from quality family time with your baby. The first year is particularly special and you never get it back.

Also if they try to take him from you just say no, it’s my turn for a cuddle!

Hey guys I'm a teen mum and I have to go to a boarding school when the baby is born and 3months old,so basically I'll be gone for 3 months will he forget me😥

I don’t think 6 weeks is excessive since they live across the ocean. If they were in the next state over it’d be one thing. Grandparents in children’s lives are important too. That being said, bc she’s feeling that way she should incorporate some time with her baby without the in laws.