‘Go through’ the baby days for the benefit of another child?

[Loulou946]

We have 3 boys, 11, 8 & just turning 2. I think I’ve made up my mind about a 4th but I think I’m
Looking for reassurance/confirmation on whether I’m making the right choice.
We feel, in an ideal world a 4th would be lovely- a sibling closer in age to
Our youngest, another member of the family (I only have 2 family
Members outside of my own hubby & kids so felt I want to create my own big family- something I’ve never had & I’d hope it would bring lots of fun & support 🤞🏻🙏)- I know the reality is also lots of hard work!
We have a 4 bedroom house with a playroom & planning a 7 seater car either way on next purchase, already have to get 2 rooms for some holiday destinations, so could fit another in.

BUT! We’re 35 & just turned 37, we feel another baby stage, resetting the clock once more, back to routines & restrictions of a baby for 2-3yrs, not being able to decorate the house nicely due to a toddler thrashing about throwing food, mucky hands etc! And sleepless nights. We’re not sure we can/want to do it again!
Part of me thinks should
We push on through as thats a small
Amount of time in the grand scheme of things & the benefits would be as above, is it worth it.. in the end..

I also worry about my older 2- it’s hard on everyone having a Tasmanian toddler around, although they all absolutely love each other & rough & tumble together, the little one wants to be just like his big brothers!
But to do that again when we’re so close to leaving the toddler stage behind in another yr or 2. I do love the baby stage & even the toddler stage- all the cute moments & he makes us laugh so much but the hard moments are hard!
Not to mention having a baby & toddler again plus the 2 older ones.

As we are we can still fit in a standard car if we need too, there are hotels that do rooms for 5- so we have that option, although will sometimes opt for hotels where we require 2 rooms- we’re booked for next yr for Majorca 🤞🏻In 2 rooms. But maybe the extra expense of a 4th- with nursery, another mat leave, me been part time for longer and everything else, plus I keep reading teenagers are expensive! Eldest is starting high school tomorrow! And I want to support him through all of that.
Anyway maybe those extra costs might mean a holiday abroad could be difficult, plus it’s a lot of money to spend to be stressed out with a toddler having tantrums & running off half of the time. So would we end up not going- at least for a couple of yrs.
I feel my eldest in particular is getting to an important age with high school & teen yrs approaching & I don’t want him to feel pushed out & I’d hate to think he felt like he’d want to escape our home due to crying babies! Or anything like that.

I feel we have a good balance, the age gap helps to give each the attention they want/need & there needs are kind of spread out & different, which I feel helps.

I just can’t help feeling abit bad for our youngest, in say 5yrs time will we wish he’d had a sibling for him. Our big 2, do things together & apart, they have their own friends but will sometimes play computer games together, have sleep overs in each other’s rooms, chat about things, have each other on holidays & trips etc they occasionally annoy each other too of course! But that is few & far between mostly. So with the age gap it feels like our youngest is by himself, which feels abit sad but there could be good points- not been restricted by a younger sibling, not having to potentially share a room or loose the playroom, share attention & money further etc have more 1-1 time when the big 2 are out with friends or don’t want to come on a trip when older.
I’m hoping they will still get on & do something’s together, if he ends up into computers or football when bigger they will have a common interest & maybe it will be similar as the big 2- occasionally play games together & also have their own time. I expect there might be some space during the teen yrs but I’d hope they would reconnect when ready.

So anyone with a similar age gap, any thoughts on my situation?

Thank you

It sounds like a 4th isn’t practical for you as a family and you don’t really want to do it, you just like the idea of a perfectly balanced family??

Unless you are absolutely dead set I wouldn’t - it will be much easier to parent teens and one small one than two, and everything - money, time, space is more stretched with four. Lots of people feel like this as having babies comes to an end - I would try and turn your attention to what you can do with your life when your youngest starts school. Also.. it is ruinous for the planet, it really is, and your kids generation isn’t going to thank you for that.

My thoughts would be don't do it. You ha e a nice spread and as pp said easier to parent teens and a smaller child vs parenting teens, toddler and a baby.
Also what will happen if you have your 4th child and the urge to have another doesn't go away?
I have almost similar age gaps-8, just turned 6 and a 3 month old. While I enjoy the baby phase I am looking forward to baby growing and doing things together. Think of it this way, you will have a bit of a break after the first two before having to pay for the third for university etc. And when will you get a good night sleep again 😆

I’m in the same boat. Similar age gaps and would like youngest to have a pal growing up, but the urge for more I expect won’t go away.

We have the space, the time etc. So it’s till a possibility, but I feel it might be too much for all of us as the older ones will get less attention when they’re teens. I’m torn between giving them more siblings, and giving them more of me instead.

It’s a tough choice, but you only live once, so do what you want and don’t worry about age, sleepless nights, money etc. It will all figure itself out.

I’m definitely leaning towards staying as we are. There’s just that small part of me that wonders if it’s right, but I think it is. Like I said, in an ideal
World, the idea is nice but the reality is that it’s really hard & all of the above reasons against.
It is hard though to consider everyone’s needs- the big 2 need me, (they all do of course) I think another sibling maybe ‘nice’ maybe another person to go to when older/another member of the family, giving that big family feel, but right now another baby would most likely hold them back in some ways.
But for my youngest he may benefit more form another, so it’s hard because no matter what I choose it seems someone is loosing out.

But my youngest won’t ever know any different, he has his big brothers, I said previously a younger one is a pain for everyone for a while! Adjusting activities around them, them been a handful during toddler stages etc.
It’s kinda if we could get through those toddler yrs once more then it would be nice for Youngest to have another. But it’s those toddler yrs & the age of the big ones- taking much more notice of things, need help with new challenges etc that having another baby would really impact and they been at such an impressionable age I wouldn’t want to make them feel pushed out/not listened too or anything as I believe these years are so important in building relationships & bonds for the future.
I already feel we have the ‘bigger’ family now been a 5, it feels just right in a way.
It room a long time to have our 3rd as I kept changing my mind, scared of what changes would be needed & how we’d manage etc but having always wanting a bigger family I still couldn’t get it out my head for 2-3yrs so ended up ‘letting it happen’ hence the age gap. But I would of wanted around a 4-5yr gap for the 3rd anyway so not far off that.

Have to get back to work
Now, will check back later.
Thanks for the thoughts

I have a friend who has just gone from 3 to 4. Her 4th is a really, really "difficult" baby - non sleeper, cries a LOT due to reflux and CMPA. She also found the pregnancy very tiring, and was quite ill, and felt her other 3 children suffered as she was essentially out of action from most of family life for around 6 months. She has found this all a massive shock as her previous babies were much more easy going. So I think I would encourage you to think of the what ifs - you've been massively lucky with your family so far, what if the next pregnancy is very hard on you? What if the baby has any issues that require a lot of your attention? Do you really want the impact of that on your existing children?

The older you get, the higher the odds that number 4, friend for number 3, will actually be twins, potentially each other's main playmate, making your dc3 the ultimate middle child!

Just a view from the other side - I'm the youngest of three and my brothers are 13 and 9 years older than me. I always say I get the best of both worlds because I kind of got to experience being an only child but also benefitted from having siblings.

I never feel like I missed out on a close sibling bond and I got to experience things that I love that my older siblings weren't interested in because they were old enough to do their own thing - for example my brothers were never interested in Disneyland but as they were 17/20 by the time I was 8 it meant my parents felt like they could take me by myself.

Financially I think it helped my parents having us at different stages, for example I was 14 when they were helped my brother buy a house, 19 when they helped my other brother with his wedding and then 26 when they helped with my wedding.

The only drawback for me is that my DD won't have cousins close in age - my nephews are 19 and 17 and my niece is 6. My DD is 18 months.

Thank you it’s interesting to see the view from the youngests perspective with older siblings thank you. 18 months & 6 isn’t too bad a gap for cousins. We have 4yr gap with one of our kids cousins & they love playing together & are pretty wild & excited when we get together lol, they are just turned 4 & 8 and there’s a gap of 7urs between me & my brother me been the eldest, I wasn’t too happy about some things growing up but that’s more parenting issues & I’m aware not to make the same with my own as much as I can. My brother & me get along well as adults and I wouldn’t be without him, my kids also love him & their 2 little girls.

I’m hoping the best of both worlds will work out that way for us, that’s kinda how I have it in my mind.
Before any kids I used to say I wanted 4, when we went for 3 I didn’t think I’d want 4 & it’s not that I have a burning desire for 4 but we had floated the idea & I had given it some serious thought. I think though if they were closer together I’d find it much harder & probably wouldn’t even consider a 4th- it’s mainly due to the gap.
But I’m pretty set now on staying as we are, I think it’s best all around. It’s actually kind of a relief to think I don’t have to do the baby & toddler yrs again! As much as I love them! I can just enjoy them all now, all at their different stages & feel able to manage. Where as I think a 4th would tip us over the edge!
I’m glad we have our youngest & i still have a little one around aswell as enjoying the older ones growing up. Like someone said, a nice spread of ages.

I have almost the same age gaps as you but older sister and brother. Didn’t bother me at all not having a younger playmate - probably would have hated it to be honest. Your youngest will get more time alone with you when the biggest leave home and will likely have a big social network anyway as youngest often do. I would stick.

I have 3.
Number 1 has moved out and number 2 is off to uni.
Number 3 is looking forward to being an only child during term-time.
My dc1 and 2 are close together in age so I put more effort into having friends over for dc3- especially when dc1 and dc2 wanted to spend more time in their rooms as teens.