I caused DD to have a panic attack

[avocado27]

As bad as it sounds.

I have an 18yo DD who has just started university in a major city. Whilst driving her there we got caught in v bad traffic and I got lost, caught in a never-ending one way system. There were roadworks and road closures everywhere and so the sat nav kept rerouting us. It was hot and we had no food or drink on us (my mistake) and I just… lost it. I started swearing at other drivers and screaming that I needed a drink. I acted like a five year old child and feel utterly ashamed. Just wretched.

Anyway, we finally found somewhere to pull into, and got something to eat and drink, but my DD started hyperventilating and crying. It was completely awful. She was quiet when I was going off on one but it had obviously affected her.

I keep thinking that she had enough on her plate going off to live in a strange city and then I behaved like that. I’ve never wanted to turn back the clock so much.

I do have mental health issues - I have bipolar disorder - that I try very hard to keep in check. I take my medication regularly and usually manage my condition fairly well. I’m a single parent and me and my DD are very close. Most of the time we get on really, really well and we have a laugh as well as sharing all the usual mother/daughter stuff. Right now, she’s stuck in a strange city and the guilt I am feeling is overwhelming.

What I really want to know is, how can I make this up to her? What can I say or do? I am at a loss.

You clearly overreacted to the situation but she also completely overreacted to you going a bit nuts. Having a panic attack at 18 because someone temporarily looses their rag in a car when they’re stressed isn’t a normal response. Unless there’s a massive backstory of how your bipolar has affected her over the years and her own mental health.

What did you do or say when she had calmed down?
She is presumably aware of your bipolar and understands that you sometimes struggle to manage your stress and emotions.
It’s very unfortunate timing is the main problem I suspect. I would make sure you have calmly and sincerely apologised and then just check in with her and make sure she’s settling.
Hopefully she’ll be excited and caught up in all the newness of starting university.

The first thing I’d do is reassure her that you are ok now, that it was a stressful and unpleasant situation made worse by your reaction to it. You’ve probably already done this, so please don’t feel I’m patronising you!
Then focus on how she is settling in and don’t keep harking back to the day - this might make her think you are dwelling on it and still upset (even if you are, manage that on your own and let it fade from her memory)
When it’s time to pick her up again, or visit, pack all the things you forgot last time. Fine to mention it then, but only to reassure her that this time you’ll both be prepared with food, drink, plenty of time to get there Etc.

stop beating yourself up about it. These things happen x

Oh dear, it sounds upsetting for both of you. I think I’d send her a message apologising and checking how she’s settling in, plus arrange to meet up sometime and take her out for lunch maybe. Is it close enough that it’s easy for you to go for the day?

I would just tell her basically what you have said here, that you were stressed and acted inappropriately and you apologise if that caused her any anxiety and let's just get to your accommodation and get you all settled in and make you room all homely and comfortable.

My kids are only 11 and 14, due to my own mental health I have on occasion flew off the handle and I find the best thing tondo when you have calmed down is explain and apologise.

@PotteringAlong

You clearly overreacted to the situation but she also completely overreacted to you going a bit nuts. Having a panic attack at 18 because someone temporarily looses their rag in a car when they’re stressed isn’t a normal response. Unless there’s a massive backstory of how your bipolar has affected her over the years and her own mental health.

Do you not realise that a panic attack isn’t something you can control? She didn’t over react, she didn’t make a choice, her body reacted.

@PotteringAlong

You clearly overreacted to the situation but she also completely overreacted to you going a bit nuts. Having a panic attack at 18 because someone temporarily looses their rag in a car when they’re stressed isn’t a normal response. Unless there’s a massive backstory of how your bipolar has affected her over the years and her own mental health.

The suggestion that the daughter "overreacted" by "having a panic attack" is one of the stupidest things I've read on here in a good while. Congrats!

That just sounds like an awful situation for you both. Have you been able to chat to her again?

You were both in a stressful situation and became in an emotionally dysregulated state. This lead to you losing your shit and becoming very frustrated and angry, it lead to her becoming very anxious and overwhelmed and her body responded by hyperventilating, so she had a panic attack. I don't think either of you had any control of the outcome at that point. I imagine that had you taken steps to meet both your needs and "press pause" before that time you would not have ended up on those states. If you had not got lost, no road works, had food and drink and the journey was going smoothly, it would not have ended up that way. But I also imagine you went in to it with a lot of big emotions. You didn't get in that car in a state of peace and harmony, you got in full of excitement, anxiety, hope, fear, happiness, sadness. There was so much going on emotionally that all it took was a few things to go wrong for you to become overloaded emotionally.

We are all only human and we all have a breaking point. It sounds like this was both of yours. So I would acknowledge what happened "that was awful wasn't it?" Acknowledge how it made her feel "I know that must have been upsetting for you when I got angry like that." Apologise for your part. "I'm sorry I upset you." And make a plan for next time. "I am never travelling without food and drink in the car again and I will make sure to stop if I feel myself getting panicky whilst driving again". Then move on, wish her luck, tell her you love her. "I'm glad that's over though, university is going to be amazing for you. Good luck. Not that you'll need it! I love you so much."

Don't dwell on it, move on, but also try to learn from the experience and do things differently next time.

Very stressful situation for you both

Lots of good advise above so not much more to add.

Hope you are both feeling better.

You are human, yes you reacted badly but there is not a single person on the planet who can honestly say that they are completley proud of their behaviour 100% of the time because humans make mistakes. What is important is how we respond to those mistakes, apologise, you clearly do feel bad about what happened and your relationship with your daughter sounds like a good one. This won't have ruined it, she is going through a huge change and was likely quite stressed herself so it was probably a lot of things that caused the panic attack not just you. Don't be too hard on yourself, just apologise take a deep breath and reset. I'm sure your daughter is going to have an amazing time at university and will settle in quickly.

Seems like your MH might have really impacted her over the years. Don’t worry just apologise and then put contact in her hands ie let her lead contacting you as and when she wants. Uni can a great opportunity to make new friends and escape past issues but you need to let her go so she can find this.

Don’t make ‘excuses’ own it.

Eg I’ve fucked up and badly I’m so sorry my behaviour was totally and utterly unacceptable.

Then said her flowers with a note saying the above.

Do not make this about you. Not the same but my father would lose his temper driving and try to get a driver to rear end him by slamming the brakes on etc until we were all screaming at him in tears to stop before we were killed. That’s my memories of being in the car. He would always justify it - I was hot, or I was stressed or whatever even now he would make excuses if given the opportunities. End of. Disgusting behaviour and utterly terrifying for those of us trapped in a car undergoing a trauma. I would respect him if he owned it. Said I totally and utterly wrong and it will never happen again and ensure it doesn’t. Get the taxi, bus or train next time and own this.

@PotteringAlong

You clearly overreacted to the situation but she also completely overreacted to you going a bit nuts. Having a panic attack at 18 because someone temporarily looses their rag in a car when they’re stressed isn’t a normal response. Unless there’s a massive backstory of how your bipolar has affected her over the years and her own mental health.

Wow nice ignorance there. You know panic attacks aren’t rational right? I imagine growing up with a mother with mental health problems and seeing her lose her shit like this would take a huge mental toll on anyone.

My daughter is prone to panic attacks and is alway away at university. It's scary and I don't really have any brilliant answers for you. But my first thought is that it's really important you now do your best to regroup and move forward. By all means apologise but don't make this whole time about what just happened. Keep the communication going so she is in absolutely no doubt that you're OK, you're sorry and it was a temporary thing that has now passed.

If this was the first time she's had a panic attack, maybe help her know that's what it was and find strategies for handling them.

Also make sure you know what support services are available at the university, in case you need to point them in her direction. But quietly and just in case. See how things go.

I hope you are both OK. It's a massive and stressful adjustment and sometimes it's just really unpredictable how that will affect you.

@avocado27 my mum has bipolar and very often flew off the handle when I was around that age I do have panic attacks now as I did growing up, but I can finally say now I'm a 30 year old woman and I've accepted that my mum has mental health issues and it's only now that I really appreciate how hard it must be/ have been for her, especially raising children at the same time
Just apologise and move on, honestly I think your daughter will look back in time and realise it's not your fault, bipolar and depression is hard on anyone so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself 💐

@PotteringAlong

You clearly overreacted to the situation but she also completely overreacted to you going a bit nuts. Having a panic attack at 18 because someone temporarily looses their rag in a car when they’re stressed isn’t a normal response. Unless there’s a massive backstory of how your bipolar has affected her over the years and her own mental health.

Unless there's a massive backstory...isn't it far more likely that there IS such a backstory than not??

@youngandbroken

You are human, yes you reacted badly but there is not a single person on the planet who can honestly say that they are completley proud of their behaviour 100% of the time because humans make mistakes. What is important is how we respond to those mistakes, apologise, you clearly do feel bad about what happened and your relationship with your daughter sounds like a good one. This won't have ruined it, she is going through a huge change and was likely quite stressed herself so it was probably a lot of things that caused the panic attack not just you. Don't be too hard on yourself, just apologise take a deep breath and reset. I'm sure your daughter is going to have an amazing time at university and will settle in quickly.

This ^

The back story is just that - I have bipolar, I wasn’t diagnosed until after I had her otherwise I might have considered more carefully becoming a mum. I’ve done my best but money has been tight and we don’t have much other family/support and to be quite honest I’m amazed she’s turned out how she has given that she has had so many things against her, not least a mother with mental health issues. It’s a privilege for me to be her mum. So then why did I act like that? I have no idea. I just lost it.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s very helpful for me to hear this. And sobering.

@avocado27

Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s very helpful for me to hear this. And sobering.

Sorry - this was a response to @feb2022 💐

I have complex trauma OP and when I start to feel stressed I pull over and do some deep breathing, I never allow it to get that bad, then a bit more driving then pull over again until I reach a place where I can get a cup of tea and some food. I detest driving in cities and it really sets me off so it's essential just to stop and take stock.
Just apologise to your daughter and tell her you've been looking at stressful situation coping stategies and it won't happen again. Honesty is the best policy I think. I'm always very honest with my DS about my mental health.

@avocado27

The back story is just that - I have bipolar, I wasn’t diagnosed until after I had her otherwise I might have considered more carefully becoming a mum. I’ve done my best but money has been tight and we don’t have much other family/support and to be quite honest I’m amazed she’s turned out how she has given that she has had so many things against her, not least a mother with mental health issues. It’s a privilege for me to be her mum. So then why did I act like that? I have no idea. I just lost it.

I think this is a difficult thing for any of us here to judge because tbh, you could be overstating how you behaved because you feel guilty about it. Only you know if you were really screaming, or perhaps just shouting. I think it sounds like there were over reactions all around. Unless you were screaming like a woman possessed, a panic attack seems quite extreme. As others have said, I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it, after explaining that you acted inappropriately and you're sorry, I would just bring the focus back to the subject at hand.

Aww OP, be gentle on yourself. These things happen. Doesn’t make you a bad parent.

Text her to say you’re sorry you lost it - you were overwhelmed and under too much pressure. Wish her well for her first week and tell her to let you know if she needs anything.

Honestly, it will be ok

@PotteringAlong

You clearly overreacted to the situation but she also completely overreacted to you going a bit nuts. Having a panic attack at 18 because someone temporarily looses their rag in a car when they’re stressed isn’t a normal response. Unless there’s a massive backstory of how your bipolar has affected her over the years and her own mental health.

Wow, I'm sorry but you're such an idiot. If you think someone having a panic attack is due to over reacting I just have no words