DD sensory stuff

[SuperCaliFragalistic]

DD (10) has always been very adventurous and easy going- happy to try different foods and try any new activity and never showed any signs of sensory issues (other than very disturbed sleep her whole life - nightmares etc) but in the last 18-24 months she has started to seriously restrict herself and its becoming a massive problem. She's decides that she "hates sand" and won't have it touching any part of her body at all. If she accidentally gets a few grains of sand on her feet she cries and scratches at herself. This had a massive impact on our family holidays and day trips this summer - I'm a single parent to her and DS (6) and any time we went anywhere near a beach she had tantrums, and refused go to near it, thereby ruining her brothers day. I took them to inland streams on the moors to paddle and play instead, thinking there sand wouldn't be a problem, but again she refused to go near it because she was worried about dirt, animal poo and dead fish. These were very obviously clean moorland streams and she refused to listen to any reassurances. I have no idea why she has this fear. We went for a walk on a clear warm day (which she normally really enjoys) and she cried every step because she said she was too hot. It was about 18 degrees and although there wasn't much shade there was a bit of a breeze and we weren't out for long. Again, her brother really wanted to do this and her crying ruined it and we had to come home early. She couldn't, at the age of 10, hold it together enough to allow me and her brother to do something we want to do for 30 minutes. 2 years ago we had a beach holiday and she loved every minute - playing in the sand and sea in the sun all day so this has come from nowhere.

I don't know what to do with her. She is spoiling everyone else's enjoyment of everything. She says she'd rather stay home with her dad than go on holiday any where warm or sandy again. This isn't really an option. Do I continue to put her in these situations that she claims to hate, which seem to be getting worse daily and have these battles or do I write off family holidays until she sorts herself out. Meaning her brother doesn't get to do normal kid things like going to the beach for an indefinite length of time.

I think there is a third option here of trying to help her overcome her phobias. I would try and approach it in a judgment free way - don’t say to her that she’s spoiling things / unable to hold it together / stopping her brother from doing things he likes. Try instead to get her to open up about where the fear comes from and how to mitigate it. It may be a genuine phobia or sensory issue (in which case she’s likely to need professional help to move past it) or it may be an expression of a need for control or some other emotion, in which case you may be able to help her find healthier channels yourself.

Thank you. Yes, I should have said I have tried to be very tolerant and understanding and have repeatedly tried to get to the bottom of what she wants or needs to be able to manage to get past it but we have a drawn a blank - it seems to make her skin crawl and her brain can't overcome it. We've tried practical solutions like taking water and a towel to the beach, stepping one toe on the sand and washing it off. Using body lotion to combat the dryness from sand. I guess my OP came from a very frustrated place after a pretty shit holiday. She doesn't want to be like this. She has said she realises that she won't be able to live her life if she doesn't get better but she doesn't seem to realise that it's getting worse daily. I wonder if staying home a lot during lockdown made her a bit OCD and fearful of things. I have no idea what to do with her and how to help her.

Hi OP maybe you could do a little research into to ASD this is one of the symptoms, girls are very good at masking ASD so maybe she's not being unreasonable on purpose. I am not labelling your daughter at all feel free to tell me to bog off. Hope you and your family get to the bottom of it.

Hmm. Yes there are a few traits that seem to match but overall she has very good social and communication skills.

My dd used to hate sand, and we didn’t go to sandy beaches for about 5 years. Then we went on a holiday with friends and went to a sandy beach a couple of times and she was ok with it. This year she enjoyed visiting a sandy beach for the first time. So I would suggest not going for a while (our nearest beaches are pebbly so worked fine for us) then seeing how she is with sand after a break. I wouldn’t keep exposing her to sand when she hates it although I know it’s hard when the sibling loves playing in sand - I used to take my ds to playgrounds with large sandpits so he didn’t miss out too much.

Sounds like me as a child. Diagnosed with autism in my mid 30s.

You sound like you think she's making it up, but I'm wondering why she would? Sensory processing disorders do sometimes get progressively worse. Mine have over my lifetime.

If it is autism then it's not about "holding it together". Meltdowns aren't the same as tantrums.

As an aside, 18 degrees air temperature outside means that it's a lot warmer than that when you're in direct sunlight. As an adult I carry around an umbrella even on hot days in case the sun is too much, I wear cooling clothes and a hat, and stay in the shade as much as possible.

For what it's worth, I also think it might be worth exploring ASD. Girls are very good at masking by acting that they have social skills, especially if they are bright.

Anyway, from my experience, there are two things that could be making this much worse right now, so that she can't cope with things that were OK a couple of years ago :-

The first is her age - the mix of hormones and ASD can be horrendous, and I would imagine the same is true for other anxiety or sensory issues.

The other is the sleep issue - it is really common for children with ASD to have low melatonin, causing sleep problems, which makes their anxiety much worse, as they are trying to cope when they have no resources left. Melatonin supplementation can work wonders; it might be worth talking to your GP to see if this is a possibility, even if she doesn't have ASD. Poor sleep is awful, and effects everyone in the family, doesn't it.

Lastly, and again, for what it's worth, you have all my sympathies - it is extremely challenging parenting a child with sensory issues and also parenting a sibling. It feels impossible to juggle both their needs, and it sounds as though you are doing a great job of thinking outside the box for solutions, even if you haven't cracked things yet.

I suppose part of me does think she's being deliberately difficult but you're right, I can't think why she would. I guess I'm just going to have resign myself to not going on holiday for a while. I'll have a think about the ASD. She was actually seeing the school counsellor for a while following a significant bereavement so I might speak to them about having some sessions with her again.

Maybe post on the SN boards to find out how others have adapted holiday plans? Even if she's not autistic, the methods might help. Or plan trips around "safer" indoor museums etc?

Sadly if it is SPD and/or autism, these things won't just vanish. Another thing that's changed for her recently will be that everyone else is growing up and demands are increasing.

So again, if she is on the spectrum, then emotionally she'll be behind them, and won't be able to grasp the increasingly social complexities and nuances in friendships either.

My life got a lot worse around your daughter's age as I couldn't connect with the others - for me it ended up in what would now be called gender dysphoria, as I decided I just be a boy and played at that for years instead. Actually I just had sensory issues with girls clothes and hair, and communication issues with girls! I wish I'd been diagnosed earlier but we didn't know about it in girls much back then.

I've had a look at SPD and a lot of that rings true - she obsessively fidgets and moves about, I call it squirming because she looks like she needs the toilet constantly. She has recently developed a sudden and extreme issue with having her fingernails cut - she hates the rough feel of it and filing, bathing etc doesn't seem to help. She always been an excessive toucher - she's got better at this but for a long time she would cuddle anyone and everyone and needed to be close to me so co slept for years but not just in my bed, she needed to be draping herself over me. It caused massive issues as I hate excessive touching so I spent years trying to get her to be more appropriate with who she touched and how often. She now sleeps on her own but needs music, touchy/fidget toys and exactly the right amount of light and a lot of reassuring. Combined with issues with sand and heat this all seems to be pointing in one direction. I've wondered about autism for years but it never really seemed to be her problem because she's very good emotionally and with friendships and relationships. It's all this sensory stuff which is now becoming really restrictive for her.

Ugh, fingernails, even the word makes me shudder - I make myself cut them once a month and hate it

At the risk of just tossing conditions around, ADHD is another one to look into which can feature excess movement etc.

Have you tried weighed blankets? If they help, then possibly things that compress could help her - compression shirts or weighted vest sort of things?

It does sound like sensory processing disorder which is rarely a stand alone thing. She probably has other annoyances ( hair brushing , clothing, temperature changes, noises etcetra ) that bother her a lot?)

Hopefully others will be along to point you in the right direction. I avoided labels in front of my daughter but also listened to her and never said that she was wrong or being extra sensitive but i also knew she wanted to fit and i had to let her work around a lot of it, find her own comforts. I had no real support from school or g.p. I also believe that she has a.d.h.d innatentive type which is largly undetected in girls.
Believe your daughter, and let her know that you are hearing her.

Must add, i can remember once telling my dd that we did not get to enjoy an outdoor music event because of her complaining and pulling us back- she then asked me how did i think she felt then?! It was at that moment when i realised the feelings that they get is very real and yes i could be more understanding and patient. Good luck o.p

My son has asd he's 8. He used to tolerate sand and love the beach as water really stimulates him. But this year no way. He went crazy when he realised the sand didn't come off his wet feet and refused to go on again. Same with any kind of dirt. Not saying its asd but kids with asd can seem to get 'worse' as they get older, mine definitely has. Some don't obviously. Could also be some sort of phobia.

Hi - I have just stumbled across this thread. My DD 8 has extremely difficult sensory problems with clothing which are getting worse to the point where she can't really tolerate anything. Awaiting ASD and ADHD assessment but in the meantime wondered if your DDs issues (or any of the previous posters DCs issues) have resolved or got better? Praying for a light at the end of the tunnel!