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Original poster

Should I tell the father I had our baby?

28 replies

mumtobee22 · 04/09/2021 21:32

Hi all. Currently gave birth 4 weeks ago to a little boy. But I am not coping very well. I'm hating the newborn stage a lot and I find it really difficult. A lot has happened between me and the child's dad. A lot of bad stuff. We don't speak anymore. For numerous reasons. But lately it's really getting me down that they haven't met yet . So so so down. My mum says not to tell him but he told my friend he wanted to be involved in the child's life regardless of what happened. We haven't heard any word of him since. But my child is the double of his daddy and he reminds me very much of him and it breaks my heart he's not involved . I don't want my son to grow up not knowing his dad. A lot has changed between us since he said he wanted to be involved and he might turn me away if I tell him about his child but at least I told him and got it off my chest. Should I inform him and his family about the baby, or grow up never letting them know?

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 04/09/2021 21:46

Depends on what he was like I suppose. Was he abusive or did you just not get along?

I kept my dd secret from her dad for months, for no other reason than I didn't want to fuck his life up too, has really bad pnd and then slowly lost it and messaged his dad and sister. He came into dds life at 8 months, he's pretty flaky but it's better for dd.

FuckPilledLatteplus · 04/09/2021 21:50

Was he abusive to you? If not, you have no right to keep his child from him.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/09/2021 21:51

Does he not know you kept the baby? You say he said he wanted to be involved, so does he know you were pregnant and having it, or just that you were pregnant then you stopped talking and he might not know?

You 100 % need to tell him if he might not know he has a child. But if he knew you were giving birth and when then he already knows and you shouldn't have to chase him, but I would still send a message to say DS is here now and he is welcome to come and see him and be in his life and then leave it up to him.

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Original poster
mumtobee22 · 04/09/2021 21:56

No he was not abusive and he knows I was pregnant and having the baby.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 04/09/2021 21:56

How old are you both?

Do you think he will be a decent father?

What was the bad stuff that happened between you?

Notaroadrunner · 04/09/2021 21:57

I'd leave it for another couple of months at least, until things settle down for you. It's early days, your hormones won't have settled, you'll be tired and no doubt emotional and I don't think that is a good place to be when inviting this man back into your life. He clearly knows you were having the baby and hasn't bothered to find out how things are so I wouldn't be rushing things. Ask your family/close friends for support now to help you with baby. If you are feeling very overwhelmed speak to your HV.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/09/2021 22:08

Then you could send him a message just to say that the baby is here and that he's welcome to be in his life, and as a co parent. Then see what sort of answer you get. You obviously can't keep his DS from him but you don't need any dram between the two of you. He knew when the baby was due so him not asking you could be because he doesnt want to be involved or becuase he is giving you space. You don't want him to just stay away and then have him say I'm future you didn't tell him. Obviously he'd still be to blame for not asking, but it will still be good for you to be able to tell your DS you tried to let him be involved in his life. So think about how you'd like a co parent arrangement to work and then open the door for him with a message and then leave it up to him whether hed like to be there. You can do the same for his family if you don't get an answer and you feel they're good people. Just tell them, if he doesnt answer, that the baby is here and if theyd like to see him and be in his life they can. Obviously if that's what you want. His dad is his dad so you cant stop an relationship there, if he isn't abusive obviously, but if he doesnt want that then it's up to you if you'd like his family to see your child.

MojoJojo71 · 04/09/2021 22:10

Surely he knew when the baby was due? Unless it was premature if he wanted to be involved he would have been in touch to see if you were both ok?

Peanutsandchilli · 04/09/2021 22:14

It's his child. He has as much right as you to know that he's a parent and then it's up to him how much he wants to be involved. You can't keep it from him though, and he'd obviously figure it out eventually anyway. I wouldn't get his family involved though.

WeAllHaveWings · 04/09/2021 22:22

Your child deserves to know his father and you should at least let him know he is nowca father.

You should also arrange for child maintenance for the child, either to support now or save for their future.

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 04/09/2021 22:25

4 weeks your hormones are still settling down. It is so so tough this stage Flowers.

Has he contacted you since you broke up to ask about the baby?

Original poster
mumtobee22 · 05/09/2021 17:52

@StarshipsAreMeantToFly

4 weeks your hormones are still settling down. It is so so tough this stage Flowers.

Has he contacted you since you broke up to ask about the baby?

No he has not Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
mumtobee22 · 05/09/2021 17:53

@Notaroadrunner

I'd leave it for another couple of months at least, until things settle down for you. It's early days, your hormones won't have settled, you'll be tired and no doubt emotional and I don't think that is a good place to be when inviting this man back into your life. He clearly knows you were having the baby and hasn't bothered to find out how things are so I wouldn't be rushing things. Ask your family/close friends for support now to help you with baby. If you are feeling very overwhelmed speak to your HV.
I think you're right
OP posts:
Original poster
mumtobee22 · 05/09/2021 17:54

@Gingerkittykat

How old are you both?

Do you think he will be a decent father?

What was the bad stuff that happened between you?

20 years old
OP posts:
GinIronic · 05/09/2021 17:56

He hasn’t contacted you. There is your answer.

NapoleonOzmolysis · 05/09/2021 17:57

Register the baby first.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/09/2021 17:57

Assuming he can a) count and b) knows the length of human gestation he knows you probably had the baby.
If he hasn't contacted you it's because he doesn't want to.
I'm sorry you're struggling but I don't think you can hope for this prince among men to help you. Flowers

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 05/09/2021 17:58

@GinIronic

He hasn’t contacted you. There is your answer.
You had the baby up to him to contact you.
nancybotwinbloom · 05/09/2021 18:03

@NapoleonOzmolysis

Register the baby first.
Do this first and foremost
Original poster
mumtobee22 · 05/09/2021 18:05

I registered the baby the other day .

OP posts:
Guineapigbridge · 05/09/2021 18:07

You should contact him. He might be trying to give you space.

Guineapigbridge · 05/09/2021 18:08

It must really hurt that he hasn't contacted you. I understand your pain. It is a very tough and vulnerable time after birth.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2021 18:10

I know a LOT of men who say they want to be involved, post on FB, tell their own mums they're trying and do absolutely nothing. He told your friend he wanted to be involved but did nothing. Makes him look good with zero effort.

CMS and he can turn up if and when he wants but you have good boundaries about your child.

BustyDusty · 05/09/2021 20:58

I agree with Mrs TerryP.

Christmasfairy2020 · 05/09/2021 22:47

I'd get in touch.