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Parenting

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Original poster

Should I allow supervised visits from my babies father ?

21 replies

Namilove27 · 04/09/2021 06:58

So long story short my ex turned out to be a scammer he owes me about 6k and wasn't here for my pregnancy and he just came to apologize to my family for what he did to me and he admitted everything which I have recorded. I had thought about filing a police report but I ended up wanting to take things peacefully and I know I could also go to court and start a while process for a restraining order but I I've read how it is in court and sometimes they can be unfair and I just don't want him to have any type of custody and I do have some proof how he scammed me and he used to threaten me that he'd take me to court when our baby was born but he just hasn't because he knows he would get in trouble so I decided to just tell him he could come visit but he can't take baby. Do you think it's better this way??

OP posts:

00100001 · 04/09/2021 07:24

I personally wouldn't contact Jim ever again.

I'd block his number. And wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a court date.

00100001 · 04/09/2021 07:25

And there's not way hed be having contact, unless court ordered.

lucymagoo · 04/09/2021 10:36

Only you can decide that, if you think it's in the best interest of you child to know this man or if he is better off out of their life for now.

I'd be asking for the money he scammed out of you back first, maybe to put towards the child's future, and then consider if he has genuine remorse and a desire to be in his child's life. Good luck, it sounds very stressful regardless!

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twinningatlife · 04/09/2021 10:50

I'm conflicted in this

He scammed you not your child. A court wouldn't consider this enough to refuse him access if he did pursue it. His behaviour presumably isn't abusive or dangerous?

He may be a shit but he's still the father

What happens when your child asks one day and finds out you refused him a relationship with his father over - let's be honest here - money?

Aren't you just as bad morally as you are contemplating bribing him for access to his child?

Original poster

Namilove27 · 04/09/2021 17:26

That's what I thought about too of course I want him to have a father and I did tell him the money issue is personal because he has tried giving it back since may since our baby was born but I never wanted to speak to him but now in September he came and actually apologized and insists on paying back. The thing is he left to his country the last time I saw him pregnant and never said goodbye he just left.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namilove27 · 04/09/2021 17:39

Also before he left I'm sure he took a picture of my debit card and even knowing I was pregnant he did try to steal from there sadly. And he admitted it was him.

OP posts:

VanCleefArpels · 04/09/2021 17:50

Is he on the birth certificate? This makes a huge difference in terms of his rights.

You should try and agree something between you and if you can’t, consider mediation. Otherwise you could wait and see if he initiates some action re access

00100001 · 04/09/2021 17:53

@Namilove27

Also before he left I'm sure he took a picture of my debit card and even knowing I was pregnant he did try to steal from there sadly. And he admitted it was him.

Did you cancel the card and get a new one?

Original poster

Namilove27 · 04/09/2021 18:42

Yes I cancelled right away at that time that was the last straw for me back then and never again spoke to him until now that he came to apologize to my family because he asked them for permission to be with me so he did apologize now but I don't know how to proceed now I was thinking take things peacefully because yes he's the father but only at my house when I'm here and he can't take our baby how does that sound ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Namilove27 · 04/09/2021 18:44

Thank you yeah it's very stressful because I just think about the future more and more and on one hand I don't want him to be fatherless but on the other it scares me that one day he might fight for full custody if I don't take action now and take things peacefully by letting him see him andI don't wanna end up losing

OP posts:

Original poster

Namilove27 · 04/09/2021 18:46

No! Not on birth certificate and I have read that technically if he wants visitation rights he'd have to take a paternity test first and go from there so I don't know. I guess it's really up to me yes like I don't wanna have the state involved because alot of times they give custody to the wrong people I've seen so many things on the news it's scary.

OP posts:

MovingtoEssex · 04/09/2021 18:48

Take the money back from him - maybe via your family.
Dont shoot yourself in the foot by not doing.
If he is working in the UK put in a claim for child maintenance.
Again dont make life difficult for yourself and your son by not doing.
Then when all that is sorted, take your time to consider access but dont trust him for 1 moment.

MovingtoEssex · 04/09/2021 18:49

....and wait until he asks to visit, dont offer.

Embracelife · 04/09/2021 18:57

Report the scam for sure
Don't protect him

CourtneyCox2021 · 04/09/2021 19:07

I agree with pp. Only consider if he asks... Don't offer. That's his choice 🤷🏼‍♀️ if he asks then I probably would as I think every child should know their father and when they are older they can make their own decision.

I would consider a claim in csa, though seriously consider it as once you put that claim in. It does mean they have a right to see the LO, we went to court to gain access to my OH kids and they simply said you claim csa yet you don't want him to see the kids - no. That's not right. And their was no reason for my OH not to see kids it was about the mum not liking or getting on with dad. Courts gave OH access easily no issues and some of reason was because she has claimed csa since born - it's a factor that will be taken into account. Sorry to ramble.

I know what he did was a horrible thing, and never condone it. But as another pp said, it was to you. Not the LO though indirectly has probably affected LO in some way specially when pregnant. I think sadly you may have to let go at ever seeing that money again, though I would certainly ask for it!!

CourtneyCox2021 · 04/09/2021 19:08

Oh and not sure I would report him.... I know a lot of money.

legoriakelne · 04/09/2021 19:09

@Namilove27

Where in the news have you seen lots of children being removed from the only parent they've ever known to go and live with a parent they've never met?

Family Court proceedings are protected and rarely reported upon, so where have you read all this?

You're making lots of decisions based on fears of what you imagine might happen rather than facts or sound professional advice.

If you never report his financial abuse then you will have a very hard time relying on it later.

Original poster

Namilove27 · 04/09/2021 19:19

Yeah so far he just asked to see him but exactly he's not one to trust at all now I know the person he is.

OP posts:

CourtneyCox2021 · 04/09/2021 19:45

Mmmm. I think 🤔 if your worried maybe contact a contact centre and go that way until trust with the child has built up. Or see your little one at MIL or your parents.... Whatever you prefer x

Original poster

Namilove27 · 04/09/2021 20:15

Yes thank you for that advice !!

OP posts:

VanCleefArpels · 04/09/2021 20:25

He has no parental responsibility unless he seeks an order from the court.

I would wait to see if he actually wants to have an active role in his child life. The fact that he lives / runs away to another country when things get shaky would speak volumes to me. Can you be sure he will he a constant presence in the child’s life? Would a spasmodic relationship really be better than no relationship at all?

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