Having no one to ask to be legal guardian

[Henders8719]

I'm a new user and joined specifically for advise/kind words on this subject. To give brief background, my husband (37) and I (33) have 2 children aged 4 and 8. My 4yo has cerebral palsy and my 8yo is autistic. We are a tight unit and a very happy little family as a foursome but we have no-one else. No grandparents either side, no family, no friends, literally the 4 of us. I've never found making friends easy - honestly I have tried. I've tried so hard these last couple of years to build friendships but our lives haven't been the most straight forward and with two disabled children along with my own issues (ME) you kinda don't have time or you just plain struggle. I am having nightmares over what would happen if the kids didn't have my husband and I. We have no one in the world who we could name as legal guardians, not a single person and it fills me with dread. My husband remains positive and tells me not to worry, but I think it's irresponsible to not worry and have plans in place, but I can't make any. I just feel so alone sometimes and so scared that our children have no one else. I don't really know what answers I'm looking for, I just needed to get it out and thought I'd turn to here. Please be kind x

What a lot you've got on your plate OP

But even if you had friends, siblings etc there would be no guarantee that they would feel able to take the children on given their particular vulnerabilities.

Either way you can't magic up people who simply aren't there. So your only option it seems to me is to make your peace with the alternative. If neither you nor your DH were around then the council where you live would be responsible for them. They would house them with foster carers, hopefully in the end long term foster carers or even adopters, who are vetted, trained, experienced and usually fairly well supported. Your children would be well looked after. It wouldn't be the same as them being with you, of course not. But many children develop happily living this way.

That's the future in the event of you and DH dying or becoming incapacitated. If it is a source of anxiety to you that this is the case perhaps consider some kind of talking therapy to work on accepting it and reducing the additional burden of worry on what is already such a heavy load in life.

This may or may not give you some comfort but, even though we do have extended family and close friends and have named some people in our will, I have no idea what would happen to our children.
In all likelihood, they would end up with my parents. But my DC are only upper primary and my parents are mid 70s and old but also live at the opposite end of the country so either they or the DC would have to uproot their lives and be grieving. MIL is similar but, as a widow, wouldn't even have the support of FIL.
Both DH and I have brothers but they have chosen to be childfree. I imagine that the DC would end up with them long term but it would be a big ask and a real shift for both them and the DC.
We do have various family friends who in some ways would be the better solution but each of those families has their own reasons - widow, caring responsibilities, will be emigrating once Covid restrictions lift - why it would just be too much to ask them to take on two grieving children.
I just remind myself that the chances of DH and I both dying at the same time is quite unlikely and that, by having wills and a letter of intent, we have provided for them as best we can.

I think this kind of situation may be more common than you think, OP. DH and I are lucky in that all four of our parents are alive and we have a sibling each, but there is no way that we could name any of them as a legal guardian for our DC. One sibling lives abroad, another is a confirmed bachelor who simply wouldn't have a clue and our parents are in their 80s and in poor health. We have friends, but asking anyone not related to us to care for our three DC (even with additional needs) would be a massive ask!

At the end of the day, remember that it's very unlikely that you and DH both die before your DC are adults.

I mean even with no additional needs

Literally no family? No siblings? No Aunts or Uncles? You & your husbands parents were all only children & you in turn are both are only children?! That seems very unusual.. is there actually some extended family somewhere along the line? Aunts & Uncles who had kids etc? Can you try to connect with them? Or make peace that in the very unlikely event something happened, that the courts may look too extended family to take them on? Even if you & the kids didn’t know them..

Are there ways to make friends through CP or autism support groups? They’d understand what you were going through far more. My friends little one has autism & her closest friends these days are fellow parents of autistic children. Some she met online, some at a support group locally..

I'm in exactly the same boat and it terrifies me. I'm a single mum but my dd9 dad is part of her life, if god forbid anything happened I know he wouldn't be able to cope with her as she's autistic, aside from which I want her to grow up with a female influence. I would have asked my lovely sister but she died five years ago suddenly. I have a brother but again he would find it hard too. I don't have any other appropriate people around to ask and I don't have any close friends. It's something that really keeps me awake at night.

@Bobholll why is that so unusual ?! Not everyone has family.

My children have two sets of grandparents, both local (one 10 mins away, one two streets away)

They also have two aunts (and uncles by marriage), both with two children each.

And we don't have suitable legal guardians for our kids. I really wouldn't want them left with any of my or DH's family. Not everyone does have options. I was there for my mum's child raising and wouldn't do that to my children. DH's parents are 60's going on 1000. Set in their ways, acting like they're a thousand years old and don't want to do anything out of their tiny little routine. My DSis is.. let's say, career orientated (despite her kids) and not maternal and as for DH's DSis? Just no.

If DH and I died, I assume our kids could end up in care for the next few years but they would have a decent financial start at 18, enough for them to buy a house each with a good £20K each spare round this area as DH and I are insured up to the eyeballs as much as a lowish income household with a lone worker can be. Having legal guardians for your kids isn't a given for most families.

@bobholll Not everyone has family. We are both only children. My father died when I was 20 and my mum is an alcoholic and completely out of my life, I will not have her around my children. Both parents dead my hubby's side and no, no other family. No cousins etc. And no, no friends. I didn't come on here to justify why we don't have anyone but thank you for your comment anyway.

No it isn't unusual. Another here in a similar situation and it has caused some anxiety. One of my children is much older than the others...it is a lot to ask/put on dc but in terms of family, they are the most suitable (and would be financially okay to pay for support).

I’m a single mum and I understand your worries. I do have family, but not much and as my son is adopted there is a lot of additional baggage for want of a better word.
He also has ASD. He is 17, I am happier now that he will have reached adulthood before I peg it. He has made huge progress over the last fee years and is more than capable of living independently.

I think in your shoes I would take legal advice and get your financial arrangements wrapped up very tightly in a trust which can be reviewed when the children are 18. At least their financial interests will be protected.