How did you manage to balance it all? Give me your hacks!

[december2020]

I'm at the end of maternity and due to go back to work in a few weeks and trying to figure out how on Earth mums manage to balance full time employment (my job does need FT hours), admin/chores, healthy eating, exercise, parenting and spending time with the kids (DS will be 10 months) and still having time to have a small chill and relax before bed.

We don't have family close by so unfortunately having someone look after DS for a couple hours isn't our reality.

Can you give my your tried and tested hacks? What has worked for you?

Planning, planning, planning! Basically though, something has to give. For me its housework and cleaning.

a partner who pulls his weight.

Lower standards. Things slip sometimes.

If you can afford it, get a cleaner. Makes such a huge difference if you don't have to clean on weekends.

Traybakes are your friend for easy dinners. Prep the night before then when you get home take out the fridge and throw in the oven.

Don't try to cram everything in in your first weeks back at work - skip exercise maybe until you know just how much time you'll have in the evenings. Once you've got a routine down then maybe start incorporating things like exercise into your day. Don't be too hard on yourself.

And yes, make sure you're OH shares the work load fairly.

Cleaner
Batch cook and freeze
Online weekly shop
Lots of lists

You can do this!

You've got to make sure your partner pulls his weight from day 1. So many women fall into the trap of doing all the drop offs/ pick ups, house work, bedtimes when they're not working because they did it all when on maternity leave.

You say FT hours is needed, would you have the option to compress your hours to work 4 long days & 1 short day, thus freeing up a morning or afternoon for admin, housework etc?

Otherwise, outsource as much as you can, get a cleaner who can tidy and do laundry too. Get a meal subscription box so you don't have to think about planning. Or get supermarket deliveries so you don't have to spend time trawling the shelves.

How do you usually split tasks with your partner (if appropriate). It doesn't work for everyone, but I prefer to plan out the week ahead, who will get the kids ready for school / nursery, who will do bedtimes. Plan in a few hours of personal/exercise time each at the weekend. Any time where you are both working on the same taks (eg bedtime) is time when one of you could be doing something else. Make the most of every spare minute - eg. (When older) clean the bathroom while the kids are in the bath.

Cleaner
Walk dog and cycle to work for exercise (wish I could do more, hoping to start an evening class in the next few weeks)
Meal planning and prepping on Sundays
30 mins chill out before bed (DS often refuses to sleep until 9pm)

Still feel like I’m failing and hope it gets easier. Never feel I have any time to myself and have neglected previous hobbies. Good luck!

Exercise- do something with a friend ie. tennis or joint running so you kill two birds with 1 stone.
Set washing days- Monday- Thursday so 3 days doing none.

@december2020 I’m in the same boat OP! My DH also works away from home so is here for 3 weeks then away for 3 weeks. When he’s here all is fine - hes got DS while I’m at work and takes care of the house etc while he’s in all day but I’m struggling to see how to organise my days when he’s away at work.

Load of washing put in every morning, then put in the dryer every evening.
Cast iron bedtime routine that can be done by either of you.
Divide household chores - DP cooks while I put toddler (and now baby) to bed, I clean up after.
Take turns at weekends to do childcare while other does jobs, e.g. I entertain while DP does gardening/DIY, then he swaps while I whizz round and do the cleaning*
Get everything ready the night before - clothes, bags, lunches
Bulk buy birthday cards for the year in advance and keep ready

• I’m a primary teacher so have to work 7-10 every evening on my laptop. If I didn’t I’d probably do one cleaning task per evening to save having to do it at the weekend.

Cleaner
Meal planning (shared - see below)
Equal partnership with husband on childcare and domestic labour
Tag team childcare at weekends so we both get time off and a lie in

I also think you have to prioritise and accept that while the children are small, there will be things that get neglected. For me that's probably friendships and to an extent hobbies. But it won't be like this forever - there will be time in my life for all those things again.

• exercise bike / turbo trainer + Zwift at home & workout once DC in bed

• child seat on bike & cycle with child. Buy a running buggy & run with child

• cycle commute gets my exercise in

• slow cooker is your friend

• negotiate to work from home if possible

• lower standards

• get rid of anything that needs ironing

• cleaner / gardener etc

Online food shopping with planning for quick easy meals. Double up your quantities on a weekend to stick in the freezer. In our house, whoever is home first starts the cooking. We do buy prepped and frozen veg to speed things up. I always have a pizza in the freezer than can be thrown in the oven when we are rushing.
I set aside a specific time every week to give the house a quick clean which I find more productive than trying to do it in bits.
We split things like washing.
Basically, organisation and a partner who does their fair share.

still having time to have a small chill and relax before bed.

Waiting until youngest is around 7 or 8.
Was pretty much always on the go from waking up to going to bed (and up a few times most nights)

Did the planning, have a partner who does fair share. Didn’t outsource anything though felt it was a waste of money and thought it pretty unfeminist to just pay a poor woman to do the “woman’s work”

Ok so....

Most importantly, a partner/DH who genuinely does 50% of parenting and house work. We did shared parental leave for 6 weeks when I went back to work even though he's a higher earner and it was the best money we spent - while he has always been hands on it gave him and DD their own bond, and meant there was no default to me trying to do some of the stuff I'd been doing while off when I went back.

Looking at your list....

full time employment (my job does need FT hours), - childcare. And both of us juggling like mad to get home: one doing pick off, one doing drop off, to manage within their hours.

admin/chores - massively lower standards and a cleaner

healthy eating - DH is really good at this. Most food cooked in portions x 3, those IKEA glass containers that can go straight from freezer to over so whoever did childcare pickup can just shove something in then go back to playing with child, and batch cooked child-sized portions for evenings when we were too disorganised and just ordered takeaway for ourselves.

exercise, parenting and spending time with the kids (DS will be 10 months) - I'm pregnant with number 2, DD is nearly 3, neither of us got any exercise since she was born that wasn't building it into our comment (I used a Boris-bike equivalent) or taken with her, i.e. long walks to park. We both jointly try and spend as much time with her when we're not working, I know people who basically take turns so they can do other things at weekends, but we've fallen into a rhythm of mostly being together and I really like it.

and still having time to have a small chill and relax before bed - this all depends on how good a sleeper you have, and how low you're prepared to let your standards go. If you can, turning on an episode of something and jointly loading/unloading the dishwasher/washing machine for half an hour after bedtime is good. But I will admit to slumping in front of Netflix and ignoring encrusted dishes on plenty of occasions because life is what it is.

trying to figure out how on Earth mums manage to balance full time employment (my job does need FT hours), admin/chores, healthy eating, exercise, parenting and spending time with the kids (DS will be 10 months) and still having time to have a small chill and relax before bed.
I simply… do not.

DP does everything 50/50: nursery drop-off/pick up, night wakings, bedtimes, potty training, days out, one on one time, etc. Also 50/50 with general household stuff; I err more towards tidying, admin and organisation, he deals with the food shop, boring shit I don’t care about like the tumble drier filter and cleaning the dishwasher and we take it in turns to cook.

I sacrificed healthy eating, exercise and a clean house in favour of part-time studying/retraining and a time-consuming hobby. Also I slack off at my job. And thankfully WFH so I can do laundry, dishwasher, garden chores in my lunch break. Sometimes I read at lunch. I don’t chill before bed, I just drag myself there and collapse.

Absolute number 1 essential - stop thinking of it as your job to organise it all and start doing it as a team with your DH. One of you does drop off in the morning while the other one get into work early. The early starter picks up while the other parent gets to stay later at work. Alternate who does bed and bath time, and alternate who cooks. etc.

Somehow, you do manage all of the basics. Some stuff has to give.
But, it is tiring and can be boring. And it can be a source of tension in your relationship.

My advice, yes you have to plan, yes, you have to be organised, but my best tip? Do not forget some rest. You need to rest too. I forgot about rest and it was to my detriment.

I negotiated a job share arrangement and went back on just over half of my previous full time hours. It’s worked brilliantly for our family. DH does 4 days a week so we have Sundays together every week as a family day (my mum looks after DS on my half day to allow us both to work - could you look into a few hours at nursery perhaps?)
I cycle to work to get my exercise in.
We eat more ready meals/stuff from the freezer on the days I work (DH is a rubbish cook but does do the dishes)
The house is a bit of a mess but we have accepted that for now.
We have about an hour of time together after DS goes to bed so usually get into our bed and watch Netflix/iPlayer, or read or chat. That is quite a new thing as we used to be so knackered we’d go straight to sleep once DS was in bed - he’s 14 months now!
Some good tips on the thread, good luck with it.

Oh and as @JuneOsborne said, make sure you factor in a bit of child free time for you to relax, it’s so important.

Firstly you need a flexible, hands on, 50:50 partner.

If you’re both out of the house all day it’s not going to get too dirty/messy, get the baby in bed by 6:30-7 and then you can tidy up tea, exercise and relax after that.

De clutter as much as you can. Less to tidy up/clean around.

I have found spreading out my annual leave more than I used to helps a lot, so taking lots of long weekends rather than block leave. Helps me to keep on top of things and feels like I'm spending more time with DS.

I get a fresh fruit and veg delivery every fortnight and dedicate a couple hours every other Sunday to a big batch cook whilst DH takes DS to the park.

Robovac has helped a lot! It goes off on a preprogrammed schedule. It has made a big difference to us as we have pets.

I'm considering a cleaner but DH does most of the cleaning and says he finds it manageable around wfh so we will see!

Cleaner if you can afford it.

Routines, planning, organising and lists.

Meal plan, have several lists going (shopping, things to do etc). Multi task as much as poss set reminders on your phone. Get rid of clutter in the home and be kind to yourself. I lived in a bit of a mess (but it was so much easier just after the cleaner had been). I only worked part time exercise was walking with the pram and I prioritised quality time with the kids (so a good bed time routine) and DH so we had our evenings to ourselves so had some down time and we made more of an effort on a Friday or Saturday night with a nice meal and bottle of wine etc.

Realising that you won’t be able to do it all! Something has to give. Also realising that it doesn’t have to perfect all the time, plus it’s okay to make mistakes.

This may involve doing less housework, allowing dc to watch tv whilst you cook food, not always eating healthily etc. It’s not necessarily lowering your standards, but doing things differently.