MIL visit dilemma

[Dahlia5]

We have a DC who's just under 3 weeks old. No family around and DH has just gotten back to work. My family cannot visit atm as they are overseas and not great health to travel. My MIL has been very keen to visit from day one but I've been putting it off as didn't feel ready. She lives overseas too so if she came she would stay at least for a week and likely willing to stay for 3 weeks. DH was dealing with her to let her know and postpone the visit until September.
She is now back on the topic and I don't really know if it's a good idea. I do like her and get on with her but we never stayed together more than a couple of nights. We are still finding our feet with the newborn. He's nursing (ebf) very frequently which is exhausting but luckily he's not a big cryer (yet?). He likes being held constantly though.
I would be keen to have MIL help with holding him or taking for a walk while I could eat something
or catch up on sleep. On the other hand I don't know if I could deal with lack of privacy 24h for many days. The only option is for her to stay in our house and not hotel etc.
Any advice or experiences please?

How difficult/expensive is it for her to visit? I'd suggest a week for now and see how it goes.

Why not get a hotel near by for her? It seems like you welcome the support but I understand about privacy, I couldnt do it. At least if she's in a hotel, she can visit often and you can have the space

How big is your house? is it a decent size, with a spare room that DMIL could use? Or is it a small apartment where DMIL would expect DH and yourself to take the couch while she gets your bed?

3 weeks is definitely too long, regardless. But depending on where your home sits on the spectrum of personal space, I would let her come for a few days (max a week) with at least a week's notice and with it being clearly laid out to her that you are still recovering and will not be entertaining (and that she will not be taking DBaby off with her all the time and only coming back for feeds - yes some snuggle times etc, but on your terms). And also that you are entitled to your privacy (and be prepared to shut the door). And that you are EBF, which will include in public spaces in the house (so no judgements and "wouldn't you be more comfortable in your own bedroom" type comments will be tolerated)...

Thanks all for your comments. It is a bit of a trip for her, but I think too that a week stay would be long enough, unless we all love it and want to extend it. The house is definitely big enough to accommodate her and we wouldn't be able to have additional hotel expenses or have her pay on top of her travel cost.
I'm an introverted kind of person and like to keep it to myself, have some quiet time etc. I think you're right about putting things straight and setting expectations. I'm definitely not in a state for entertainment or small talks atm, and still a bit emotional too.
I know she's keen to get to know the LO and I'd be keen to have some relief during the day. Hopefully this could work out...

I see this as a really positive thing, and an opportunity for you to have a break! Just set your boundaries by being open with what you need /how she can help, and take advantage of the breaks and cups of tea and help doing the washing. She wants to come to help, so let her know how she can! It doesn't always have to be a battle, it was great for me as I communicated clearly and loved having naps knowing my baby was safe and cared for.

Try having a routine that you stick to, not for the baby but for you.

For example, a walk mid morning, a nap mid afternoon. MiL could take the baby for a walk, so you can rest and have time to yourself. You can have a rest with the baby mid afternoon.

Plan for her and DH to do bath and bedtime, while you rest.

Organise a meal plan, so if she offers to cook everything is ready and easy.

Could DH have Wednesday off, so you only do two days at a time with her?

These may not suit you at all, but have a think about what would. It's much easier to know what you want and ask for it than to feel swept away by what someone else is suggesting all the time.

@stripedino thanks for sharing, glad to hear that these don't need to be visits from hell! You're right, communication is key.

@picklemewalnuts Great ideas, thank you. I'll definitely come up with the list of things that will be of help to me so we are all on the same page.

It will depend totally on what she is like.

MiLs get a bad name on here, but most MiLs are just normal loving people who want to support their dc and spouse and of course meet their new Grandchild.

Having someone around to be cook and shopper and cleaner and laundry person whilst you spend time with your little one recovering, bonding, feeding and sleeping would be wonderful.
Having someone around who expects to be looked after themself would be a nightmare.
None of us know where on the spectrum your MiL fits.

do like her and get on with her but we never stayed together more than a couple of nights

If she normally only stays a couple of nights, why doesn’t she do that again this time?

I know it can be hard to have people stay in your home, and I am personally not a big fan of it, but I think you're looking for problems that don't even exist and haven't happened yet. You get along with her, she's stayed with you before and you haven't mentioned any issues, so how hard could a week be? If she's a kind, considerate person I doubt you will have any issues.

@Howshouldibehave ^If she normally only stays a couple of nights, why doesn’t she do that again this time?^

She never stayed in our house before, it was always us visiting her overseas so we could stay only short time and visit other places later on

I have had the same issue, and my MIL is actually going to be here for a total of two months before going back overseas. I don't feel comfortable BFing or expressing around her so I/my husband have asked her to either go upstairs (or sometimes I will go up) when it is feed time just to give me a bit of privacy and this has worked wonders. It means that we have dinner together and an odd few hours throughout the day but are not stifled by each others presence (I am an introvert too and very much like my alone time). I would be honest from the get go, get your other halfs support and set clear boundaries. Having someone come to visit with a newborn is not ideal but she is most likely willing to compromise in order to spend time with her grandchild.

@Cutie18327 thank you for sharing! 2 months is a long time, very impressed that you can cope.
I think I'll pick up your idea of breastfeeding in private - this at least will give me a good reason to have some alone time for several hours a day.
Does your MIL help with looking after the baby or any jobs around the house?

@Dahlia5 it has been difficult and I had a little freak out when DC was first born because I just needed the privacy in order to feed 24/7 etc. but things have settled down now. She does help with stuff around the stuff when asked, so she usually helps my husband with dinner, offers to make me tea a lot, always does the dishes and sorts out the kitchen, and any other odd bits I ask her to do (such as the hoovering and folding laundry). It did take us a while to get to this stage through and lots of open communication with a huge amount of support and understanding from my husband. It will definitely help if you have a list of things that you actually need help with, keep her busy but then carve out some play time with the baby.

@Cutie18327 Glad that's it's gotten better for you and that you get the help you need.
I'm hoping my MIL's visit turns out to be ok too, I'll definitely have some conversations with DH to make sure we're all on the same page in terms of help and spending days together.