Husband not helping - any positive stories?

[CoffeeMonkey]

Long story short we have a 15 week old little boy who I adore but I’m close to breaking point with exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed with the vast majority of childcare & housework.

My husband works full time & I am currently on maternity leave but we have had the conversation multiple times (including while trying for a baby) that childcare & housework would be split 50/50 when both of us at home eg weekends & evenings.

Each time we have this conversation & I ask him to do more there is a small improvement for a short period of time but then within no time we are back to me carrying the load again.

I’m not looking for any judgement of him, I know what he is doing is unfair & cruel - I don’t believe you can claim to love someone yet watch them get to the point of exhaustion & repeatedly ask you for help but not change.

I’m so sad about this but I do love him & wondering if anyone has any positive stories of being in a similar scenario with a positive outcome? I don’t want to leave him but also want him to share the load & I know if things don’t change then I will start to resent him which will be very hard to come back from.

If you have a positive story what was the turning point or what did you say/ do to help your OH understand they needed to do their fair share?

Stop doing the housework. See how long it takes him to notice and then point out that as you don’t need to use your vagina for any of it, he’s as capable as you of doing it.

Go out for the day at the weekend and point out any not-done housework on return. He won’t get it if you don’t play his game.

You’re about to hit the 4 month sleep regression which is the perfect time to ignore the housework.

(Mine worked away when DD was that age and was only home for 36 hours a week. It was as much as I could do some days to eat proper meals, so any whinging about house work would have been met with 2 bricks to his delicate area).

I have ADHD. So I make to do lists to keep me on track. I also have a set rota for the daily/weekly/monthly tasks. I put them on a calendar and stick lists to the fridge. Then we check or cross off things as we get them done.

However, when the children came along, these lists were invaluable in getting my DH to do his fair share. I needed them anyway, but they served as a good communication tool telling us in real time what needed to be done and what had already been done. It was also visual so we could both see at a glance who had done enough for that day and who had been slacking. If there was a reason for slacking like illness, up all night with sick child, working overtime, etc then fair enough. We’d move the task to the next day and start with clean slate. We both update and add to the lists...it’s not just me doing it.

I know many MN think it is childish to draw up to do lists and a rota for daily/weekly/monthly but given my ADHD they’re a necessity anyway. I let them do the communicating instead of having to remember and nag like many women find themselves doing. (Not that I could remember enough to nag anyway!)

I was almost ready to strangle DH for a chunk of DS's baby years. He didn't 'see' housework as needing doing unless it was getting in his way somehow (there are no clean forks = washing up needs doing, I'm out of clean pants = laundry needs doing). He was also very very vocal about how tired he was.

What didn't help - me playing the martyr and doing everything while feeling resentful about it, competitive tiredness, any conversation involving the words "it's alright for you, because...".

What helped - being very clear about what needed doing (and it was we need to, not can you do x for me?), very obvious give and take (you might think it's obvious that you've got up with the baby both weekend days and left him to lie in, he doesn't put two and two together - "I'm happy to do the early shift on Saturday and get up with DS, I'll be having a nap in the afternoon/lie in Sunday though so it'll be your turn for some quality parenting time'), and not getting sucked in to any of the melodramatic sighing or wailing about tiredness (yes it's shit isn't it, what would help you feel better? And here's what would help me...).

Yup, don't do any of it. Run all of the cutlery and crockery down.... Ignore ignore ignore. No laundry etc. Either he will do it or he will pay someone to come and do it ;)

What's he doing on the weekends and evenings?

What was he like with taking on his fair share before the baby came along?

Thanks all for replies.

Realistically I’m not going to stop doing all housework, laundry etc, I don’t want to live in a pigsty & my son & I will also suffer if I pick this option.

@PlanDeRaccordement thanks for sharing how the lists work for you - this might work for us as well actually, so will definitely consider & discuss with DH

@Gliblet thanks for sharing your experience also, I know I too need to not martyr myself which is why I want to sort this if we can, & it’s helpful to hear what has worked for you

@MrsTerryPratchett naps, leisure time such as tv & gaming, & bare minimum of housework & childcare - I’m totally fine with him having naps & leisure time but only after doing his fair share & not at my expense of being exhausted, I also need naps & leisure time 😔

@Albgo a mixed bag to be honest, probably not a totally fair share but he worked way more bourse per week than I did

Sorry @Albgo clicked post too soon, was saying he worked way more hours per work than me so I was happy to take on some extra housework but we had always agreed childcare would be split 50/50 when both at home at evenings & weekends, I think that’s why I’m so disappointed as we have discussed so many times but it doesn’t change

I recommend "when...I feel...because...please"

'When you are gaming while I look after Fred and do the housework I feel sad and angry. Because equality in our relationship is important and I need to rest. Please have a plan for Fred for at least half a day, at least one lie in for me and half a day doing housework.' Or whatever you think is fair. But concrete and achievable.

I had to tell my husband that it would be less work for me if we were divorced than it was with him doing nothing and making work for me. I meant it. He had to shape up or we would split.
He's much better now.