If you have a very good, authentic relationship with your grown-up children...

[merrygorounds0]

...what, in hindsight, contributed to it? What advice would you give to someone whose kids are still small (toddlers)?

Listen to them and encourage their interests. Let them make their own decisions (within reason and boundaries) about their path in life and show them respect as they grow.

I'm not there yet, DH has a much better relationship with his mum than I do with mine.

I'd say, encourage and support but don't push. When they get old enough, treat them like people rather than your children.

When they get old enough, treat them like people rather than your children.

Love this! That's such a good tip to keep in mind, thank you. Please keep them coming- I really appreciate all the advice.

I’ve always had a good relationship with my mum.
She treated me as a person not just a child who needed to do what she was told. My opinions were taken on board (not saying I always got my way, not by a long shot!)
We spent our free time outside, exploring the local countryside and talking, making dens, flying kites and eating picnics. But it gave us opportunity to talk and play and just have fun together.

As PP said, encourage and support but don’t push. Mine were in a safe and secure, loving home, but not indulged. If they whinged about school, I listened but didn’t feed their grievances. I tried to teach them respect for others and self- respect. They did a range of activities but we didn’t push them into doing these - their choice, but if they committed to something eg taking part in a show , then they had to see it through not give up because they couldn’t be bothered. If they said they would attend something, then they attended, unless they were too ill to go.
Make sure they understand that actions or inactions have consequences and that they need to take responsibility for what they do/don’t do.
This starts at a young age. If they break a toy by being rough with it then it goes in the bin if it can’t be repaired and there is no replacement. I taught mine that rules are rules and you don’t ignore them. You queue up nicely -if you push in eg to the queue for the slide, your parent takes you out of the queue and you miss a turn. If you snatch a toy from another child it is taken off you and given back to the other child. If you throw a tantrum, you are removed from the exciting party/event/shop etc and taken outside to calm down.

Two DC aged 23 and 25.
We put them first always.
Bad behaviour never tolerated.
They got our time and attention always.
Child care managed between DH and me.

At meal times or any other time conversation, distraction, entertainment.
One thing to remember they were born in the 90s and we didn't have mobile phones / social media. So many parents you see who's idea of distracting children is to give them a gadget so parent can scroll. It's much, much harder to use your imagination but it matters.
They were never indulged with constant gifts except at birthdays and Christmas.

We loved their company, from the age of about 4 upwards. They were great as teenagers, we had family interests. Family holidays always planned with what best for the DC. Happy children happy parents.

Now they are both living independantly in good careers. They are both fairly easy going and rule followers rather than rebels. Don't know if that's just in the genes.
They come home often to stay, still come on holidays with us, daily messages, we meet up for the odd meal out.

Always keep in mind that your children are their own person, they are not extensions of you, and you should not try to live vicariously through them.

I have an amazing relationship with my parents, I’m 30.
We were treated with respect, talked to, encouraged, supported and involved.
We were friends as well as parent and child.
This always seems to be slated on mumsnet but my husband had the opposite - a definite parent child relationship with no real common interests and definitely no friend up.
He speaks to them at Christmas and birthdays. All his siblings are the same.

@FizziWater you sound just like my parents- wonderful.

be their parent when they are young.
Dont try and be their friend.
Be clear and consistent with rules and boundaries. people forget that rules and boundaries make a child feel safe. As they get older try to explain your thinking AND listen to them. being prepared to reconsider a decision because they can articulate clearly why you should lets them learn to compromise and negotiate.

Be prepared to tell them when they are being a bit of a dick.
Dont talk about them on social media without their permission. eat with them, talk to them, ask their opinions on things like politics and news storys etc

My observations from friends and family with older kids...

You can't flip between treating them like a child and then expecting them to act like an adult. Such mixed messages and 18 year olds struggle to know which way a conversation is going to go so avoid it completely.

Don't mock them in front of their peers or yours, so mean.

Love the child you have, not the child you wished you had.

Create a family/home that is welcoming to their friends - and then leave them alone with their friends. I can still remember one friend whose mother thought she was just great - she would sit in the kitchen with us. That wasn't what we wanted.

Have some family traditions that are fun and can evolve as they get older. Like playing cards against humanity after sunday dinner or watching a particular show or walking the dog on christmas morning

If you have more than one child, step back a bit and let them have relationships with each other that don't go through you. When ours hit mid/late teens, they'd be chatting away or discussing something at the table when dinner was finished. We would leave them to it after a while so they got to be siblings as a group and not just a family group.

Have a sense of humour.

Be consistent in all things so that they trust you and understand boundaries. Hold your nerve when they seem to be going off piste (usually in teen years). Be reasonable so that they tell you things because they know you won’t go off on one about stuff (see trust above).
Allow other people to discipline them if needed e.g. school, but that said, you can tell them that sometimes school gets it wrong and that a punishment might well be unfair - however, suck it up buttercup!
Don’t impose your own interests.

Be there. Support them and encourage their interests. Don't be afraid to say "No" but equally admit when you get it wrong. Sit down together and discuss family rules (and consequences for rule breaking), they are often wiser than you think. Stand back from time to time and let them figure it out. Listen to them.

Mine are 31 and 29 now and we have good relationships.

These points are all wonderful inspiration Thank you. I very much hope I can be like this to my children.

Don't try to control them

Be their biggest supporter

Admit to your mistakes, be honest, always make them feel loved. Communicate.

I have a 31 year old and 26 year old, good relationship with both of them.