TW- this may be upsetting with mentions of mental health issues!!
Hi, I first would like to add me and ds are under orders from social services and he is safe. I am working with professionals currently too. Everyone is aware of this. I have been very honest with proffesionals and ss about it.
I am a single mother and have a long history of poor mh. I have BPD, OCD and anxiety. This all started when ds was around 4/5 mos when his father left. I would pinch/flick him for no apparent reason. I wouldn't do it hard or forcefully to leave a mark but it would sometimes make him cry and I'd regret it straight after and comfort him. It's not out of anger and definitely not for enjoyment it's almost like a "tic" I can'r explain it. It even baffles psychologists. I always hoped it was some disorder and there is some treatment for it but no avail.
Ds is now 1.5 and we have an amazing bond and i know with this issue aside, I am a good mother and love him to pieces. He is very advanced and a sociable happy lo.
Now, it's all I think about 24/7 and feel guilt, sometimes suicidal or wanting to harm myself so I can make it "even" for the pain I cause him and to punish myself. I also have thoughts of wanting to give him up bc I just can't cope with the guilt.
I don't know what I am wanting to hear from someone. My parents say I am not evil and I need to move on. But how?? I have had little mh support and been on waiting lists for things that wouldn't even help.
please someone just save me :(