Reasonable partner help

[Laura2211]

I am interested to know how couples split up childcare & household stuff when one is on maternity leave & one is working full time.

So we have a nearly 2.5 year old & a nearly 6 month old & I am absolutely exhausted. The 6 month old is up once, if not twice, for a bottle at night. My 2.5 old is a brilliant sleeper & sleeps a good 12 hrs stretch at night, though has no nap anymore & is pretty high maintenance at bedtime. My partner works full time, works from home. He logs on at 8am every day & works until 8pm. Although he’s at home I hardly see him.

I do everything for the kids, all the cooking, cleaning etc (when I can fit it in, I feel like my house is pretty disgusting as I just don’t get much time). My 2 year old is very demanding & needs constant entertainment.

I go to bed at 9pm every night as I physically can’t stay awake & my eyes are stinging. My partner stays up much later & sometimes is still up watching tv with a glass of wine when I am dragging myself out of bed for the 1am feed... I have tried asking him to help but he gets very defensive & says he needs time to unwind after a days work. This makes me feel angry as I feel it is so unfair. I feel I go to bed not long after my kids & then get up with them. I have no rest bite. At weekends, he never gets up in the mornings & complains he’s too tired or he has a headache!!! Or on the exceptionally rare occasion he does get up, he will then want to go back to bed for a few hrs when I come downstairs...

I feel like a zombie & am starting to feel very down as I just can’t see a way of getting a proper break. I feel stuck on my own with the children so much too (which sounds horrible, I absolutely love my kids but I just feel so isolated).

I just want to know how others split things with their partners and at weekends? Or how other mums manage to get a break? I feel like I am getting to breaking point & struggling to see how I am ever going to get any proper rest ever again in my life :-(

Does he need to work until 8pm? Or does he chose too. My DH had to be strict with his hours so he could spend time with the LO before bed.

You should each get equal "leisure" time. That includes sofa chill time.

Your FT job is looking after the kids at the moment. This is harder than his job because you are on all day and night. He needs to realise this.

If you have the option, walk out and leave him with them both for 24 hours. Then when you return, discuss him being more involved.

If you don't, sit down with him for a make or break conversation.

Ask him when you get to ‘wind down’?

Also, what he does in terms of parenting and housework outside his work hours isn’t ‘help’. It’s a partnership - you have equal responsibility for those things when he is not working.

Good luck OP - you are going to need to have a serious chat.

Looking after two children is a full-time job, and a bloody hard one at that. You need to have equal time to unwind too. It baffles me why some Men think their partners should get themselves to breaking point whilst they get to carry on as normal.

When I was on mat leave, if I got up with the baby in the night then he would do the morning until he had to get ready to leave for work. I would try and do what jobs I could in the day, which was sometimes very minimal if I took the baby out all day. Any jobs not done in the day we would do together in the evening. We could then both fully relax after.

Your partner NEEDS to do more. He's supposed to be the one supporting you, not leaving you to struggle.

It's reasonable to expect him to help out if you are running on empty, he's an ass if he is unwilling to help.

We have 6 kids. When dh is at work he is away from home, can be days, weeks or months so I often lead day to day life like a single parent. He's currently on paternity leave as we have a newborn, I had a cesarean and rough birth but was back doing lots of things once home. I was quite slow to get up with baby in the early days so he would wake during the night and help but as I've recovered I've got up faster so up and away with baby before he stirs. He will help out but I just get on with most things rather than ask him and wait for it doing in "his time" (too blooming slow for my liking).

Your husband is being completely unreasonable.

My husband works full time from home, I’m on mat leave with our 9 month old.

I deal with any night wakings etc. Husband takes the baby downstairs when he (the baby) wakes up and has him til he starts work at 9am. Gives him breakfast, plays with him etc. I use that time to sleep / read / shower / veg out etc.

When he finishes work he plays with the baby for an hour, then we do bath and bedtime together.

At the weekends we do some stuff all together, or one of us will look after the baby while the other has a break or some time to themselves.

Your husband is being a dick. You need time to yourself just as much as he does - it’s insane that he can’t see how selfish it is to never give you that. He has to pull himself together and start being an equal participant in your partnership.

Having worked full time myself once upon a time and then switching to being a stay at home mum on maternity leave I can truly say working was easier, I’m sure many would agree.

You get your lunch break where you can actually eat in peace, you only have yourself to get dressed and worry about for the day. I mean even the commute to work was lovely as well, just plodding along with no buggies and stress.

Everything changes when you’re responsible for children including trying to take a shit! Sorry but it a fact, ever tried to take a dump and the toddlers banging down the toilet door and you actually just want to cry? Because you can’t even perform one of nature’s acts in peace.

Sorry this doesn’t answer your Q but yeah your partner seems to have it easy. He’s not taking any responsibility for the kids during the week and he’s getting time to unwind after work each night. Additionally, he’s unwinding through the weekend as well. I can’t seem to see where your turn to unwind is, he’s being very selfish and it’s unfair on you. You’ll resent him more and more as the days go on and it’s a recipe for a failed relationship.

Kids are literally the biggest responsibility and it will take both of you to male sacrifices and compromises amongst a hell of a lot of communication. I’d say come up with a rota, I know it sounds very formal but it’s needed especially with you being so shattered abs burnt out.

Sit him down, talk to him about how hard done by you feel. Both of you need to come to a new arrangement as soon as possible and try and stick to it. These random headaches he’s getting at the weekend? I mean he unwinds a lot so he should be well rested? It’s you who should get the headaches from the severe exhaustion you’re suffering from.

You need to get him to take you seriously and only you know how to get his attention so don’t waste any more time pondering on this, get a rota down and delegate more responsibilities his way and get more chill time and rest time in for yourself.

Just curious but what’s the arrangements when you return to work?

8pm until 1am is 5 hours of 'him' time.

Are you making his dinners and doing his washing too?!? So he has literally all his non working hours to himself?

Totally unreasonable, has he ever lived alone? Most adults have mental load and household responsibilities, then add kids in the mix but his financial contribution gets him an 'out' for everything else?
Fuck that!

He needs a reality check that if you get to the point of no return you'd be better off alone. Queue him having no maid, maintenance to pay and solo time with his children. As a threat or for real!

Thank you for your speedy replies. Good to hear people don’t think I’m being unreasonable!

Unfortunately our communication has completely broken down since we had children...something we need to fix...I just find him extremely self-defensive these days...

@MooBoom I have asked myself the same question about what will happen when I go back to work! And dreading it...something else we have to sort out.