When my 3.5 year old backchats, what is my response supposed to be?

[merryhellbrokeloose]

Do I ignore? Say no?

He's lovely 90% of the time but the attitude is really kicking in - lots of backchat especially when he's being told off.

Please help!

It depends what he is saying really.

I really recommend "how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk."

@Hellocatshome

It depends what he is saying really.

He's back chatting, so for example:

'Please stop kicking me'
'No, you stop kicking me!'

'That's not a very nice way to speak to daddy'
'You need to be nice to me!'

Etc. Just repeating what we're saying to him.

@L1ttleSeahorse

I really recommend "how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk."

What did you find helpful? I read it but didn't rate it

Then yes at 3.5 he gets told off for whatever it was he's done and then also told off for the backchat. He is doing it to get a rise out of you if you ignore it he will just escalate what he is saying until you snap.

@Hellocatshome

Then yes at 3.5 he gets told off for whatever it was he's done and then also told off for the backchat. He is doing it to get a rise out of you if you ignore it he will just escalate what he is saying until you snap.

Ok thanks.

That's what we've been doing. He gets a 'time in' session for 3.5 mins. Generally sorts him out but I'm exhausted with it! He's very much discovering boundaries at the moment.

He's lucky he's so god damn cute I suppose

I don’t really like the word backchat as it suggests kids should always unquestioningly do what they’re told in silence and that doesn’t seem right. If they’re rude, mean or stroppy then It’s reasonable to tell them off/bring in consequences if they don’t stop. But if they’re asking questions, have a reasonable objection or even just having a moan, it’s ok to engage with it, empathise with how they feel a bit, or even take on board a valid point and offer a compromise, all useful things to learn about.

(And I’m not saying that as one of those parent who never says nor anything - you can have quite firm boundaries and still allow for a bit of discussion)

Never says no or anything

@QueenPeary

(And I’m not saying that as one of those parent who never says nor anything - you can have quite firm boundaries and still allow for a bit of discussion)

Yes I'm not wanting him to be 100% compliant in silence, that would make for a very dull person.

He's just ramping up the behaviour recently.

Sounds like what I'm doing is reasonable, which is good to hear

I would ignore it personally. I've found drawing attention to unwanted behaviour makes it worse, and can turn it into a game. He's 3.5 so he's playing with language and it's effects. Tell him off for what he did wrong then leave it. See what happens after a couple of weeks.

If my DS said things like 'You need to be nice to me' after being told off for rudeness, I'd turn it into a conversation. 'You think so? Why?" and 'How do you think you need to behave so that people will want to be nice to you?'

But with the kicking one, I'd have zero tolerance. I never minded scaring DC if they showed signs of violence. In that case I'd have crouched down to his level and hissed very quietly, making scary eye contact: I did not kick you. I would never kick you. Kicking people is horrible and it hurts. I would never hurt you and I will never allow you to hurt me or anyone else. I am incredibly cross with you for kicking me because I am always kind to you and that is not how you treat people who are kind to you. You know you need to say sorry so when you are ready, come and say sorry and we'll have a cuddle and a biscuit.'

That way you give them the power of decision of when to say sorry but the apology itself is non negotiable.

When I said I would tell him off for backchat it would be for things like "you need to stop kicking me" as J assume OP wasn't kicking him. If he asked why or say well Harry kicked me yesterday or anything like that then obvious I wouldn't shut him down I would talk to him and explain things. I dont think kids should be quiet and blindly compliant.

Placemarking. We're also struggling with this. A lot of what my DC (about the same age as yours) is saying mirrors what we say to them. And the truth is that it's a perfectly acceptable way for an adult to talk to a small child who is playing up but it's not an acceptable way for a small child to talk to adults who are trying to look after and care for them and it won't be tolerated when they start school. But how to explain the distinction ?

For example, I'll ask them (for the 10th time) to put their shoes on to go to the playground and they say, "Not right now Mummy, I'm playing" or "You have to do it not me. It's your job".

Or they'll have been told it's time to go upstairs for a bath and we get "Don't interrupt me please, I'm talking to my toys".

I try to keep calm and just say "That's not a very nice way to talk to Mummy and Daddy who are trying to help you and look after you. How do we talk to people nicely?" But it's hard going sometimes.

When i say kicking, it's that idle shoving with feet when watching a film or something.

Absolutely does my head in.

My DC has also started putting all their toys in time out . I trip over them coming down the stairs and DC gets very irate if I tidy them up before they've done their 'time'. I'm thinking of making a cardboard box toy "jail" specifically for this purpose so none of us end up in hospital!

I'm foreign. I struggle with this English word "backchat" I dunno what it means. OP's child is saying irrational claims that didn't happen. I thought backchat just meant "arguing" to most English people.

It doesn't make sense to me to teach your children not to assert themselves. Do you want to teach them to be doormats?

You can try to teach them to be polite & logical, but that's a high bar for a 3yr old, don't expect overnight results. Ideally, a simple "You know that didn't happen you're just unhappy that I told you off." in OP's examples. Don't give them any payoff (reward) for irrational protest. Do engage positively with logical or polite protests to encourage that mode of communication.

of course proceed with consequences. Make it clear that the moment when 'consequences' are over that everything is a fresh start. No hard feelings. You're only tough on them because you know they can do better.

@merryhellbrokeloose

When i say kicking, it's that idle shoving with feet when watching a film or something.

Absolutely does my head in.

"Stop kicking me or the film goes off".

You're the boss - so start acting like one. If he gets upset or has a tantrum, so be it. He needs to learn that you are in charge and what you say goes. If you don't do it now, imagine what he'll be like by the time he's 14.

@bamboocat that's pretty much what I do do.

My kid is 4 and still does this although it is a lot better now. I tend to pick my battles - if it's just repeating what I say I'll turn it back to her and she will agree with me and the behaviour usually stops. If it's just silly repeating back I'll ignore it as I know she likes to try and wind me up. If it's actual rudeness she will get told that's not acceptable and it is getting a little bit better by telling her what she said is rude and she will usually ask why it is rude and then she will understand. The one I'm struggling with at the moment is 'no, I don't want to' at times where I need her to leave or get in the car or something. She's getting too big for me to say 'I'm going to help you move now' because she is just so heavy!