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Parenting

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Original poster

Anyone else regrets motherhood?

9 replies

AliceAyres · 29/08/2021 19:08

Single mum to a 16 month old. Does anyone ever regret becoming a mum? I do. I know it's a terrible thing to say and I do love him, in my own emotionally stunted kind of way, but if I could magically change things so that he was a friend's child or even my nephew, I would change it in a heartbeat. Motherhood is dreadfully boring, repetitive, just dull dull dull. It doesn't really help that I've never really bonded with him. He spent about a week in NICU when he was born and since then I've never really felt that he was mine. While he was in there, I couldn't bring myself to go and see him. One of the midwives eventually forced me to because I just wouldn't do it if she hadn't made me. I try my best but feel as if I'll inevitably traumatise him one way or the other. If I haven't already....

He's at this stage now where he'll just cling to me and although I hug him and I do care for him, there's a part of me that wants to push him away. Or just walk out. I feel abnormal, not to mention evil for thinking these things but I can't seem to stop myself.

Did anyone else feel like this and how did you cope? Or change? I've tried counseling, medication, meditation, CBT, and so on. I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. Nothing seems to help.

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Booknooks · 29/08/2021 19:11

I felt largely the same, I had counselling for my anxiety which had heightened a lot post partum, and that really helped. Also now he is a bit older and can communicate I've found it less relentless. Are you working? I only ask as I found the balance of that really helped, i struggled being at home all of the time. Also, do you get a proper break? It's a lot on your own especially if you don't have much support and can't have a breather often.

Original poster

AliceAyres · 29/08/2021 19:14

@Booknooks I recently started working again. Thought it would help but it hasn't at all. He goes to a childminder 5 days a week now. He seems happy there, he loves his childminder. I often think he prefers her over me. I don't blame him to be honest.

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RevolvingPivot · 29/08/2021 19:16

I was alone with both of mine until they got their 15 hours free at nursery. I didn't work. I had 2 under 2. I never left the house due to anxiety it was hell. Slightly easier once they start school.

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RevolvingPivot · 29/08/2021 19:17

Oh just noticed he's at a childminders. So do you have him 3pm-9am?

Original poster

AliceAyres · 29/08/2021 19:19

@RevolvingPivot Yes. And I can't even handle that. Which is just shameful. I was completely on my own with him for the first 15 months of his life though. Which was horrific.

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RevolvingPivot · 29/08/2021 19:22

[quote AliceAyres]@RevolvingPivot Yes. And I can't even handle that. Which is just shameful. I was completely on my own with him for the first 15 months of his life though. Which was horrific.[/quote]
I'm on my own with mine as DH is military. If they go anywhere I still panic when they are home. I think you need to get used to having him a bit more. It's difficult when they are too young to speak and tell you what they want. I know it's no good now but it will get easier as they get older.

Comedycook · 29/08/2021 19:23

I don't regret it as such but if I could live my life again, I don't think I'd do it!

MrsPworkingmummy · 29/08/2021 19:24

Oh lovely, you are trying your hardest and have obviously sought support which is all you can do. I have two children aged 9 and 3, and honestly, if I had my time again I really don't know whether I would have had them. I struggle massively with the relentless nature of it, not having time to myself, the lack of sleep etc. DD 9 has autism and its an absolute nightmare at times - she never ever sleeps through and is very emotionally demanding. I do have DH here and there are moments of pure joy, but I really don't enjoy being a mum overall . I find it incredibly tough. You have my sympathy.

SomedayBetter · 29/08/2021 19:51

Reading your post, I feel I could've written it myself. I feel exactly the same as you do. I do not enjoy parenting whatsoever and none of it feels worth it. There are moments when I feel proud of her, moments when she makes me laugh, moments when she says or does something sweet. None of it feels better to me than my life did before I had her. I was so much happier before when I had my freedom and peace. I can sympathize with feeling you've tried everything too, as I've tried pretty much all the same things you mentioned. I haven't tried medication yet, that's my next step. Anyway, I don't know if I have anything helpful to add, since I haven't figured it out yet either, but I hope it helps at least a little to know you're not alone. I know for me it's the loneliest feeling I've ever had since it seems like every other parent is filled with joy. I've never met anyone else who feels like I do (or no one who has said so anyway). I do know that you are not evil, you're simply unwell, which is not your fault at all. One thing my therapist said that helped me a little is that I shouldn't think that I AM a monster, but rather that I HAVE a monster with me. Not a cure, but it helped me a bit to see my attitude as something I can hopefully learn to separate from, rather than intrinsically who I am. I'll keep you posted if I find a magic solution. In the meantime, know that you are not alone and that you're not evil, especially since you're trying your best to get better.

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