My baby is painfully shy - help

[mayqueen2]

I have a 16 month old son who is highly anxious in social situations. If we meet up with friends he will burst into tears on arrival, and will cry again if anyone so much as looks at him or he becomes the centre of attention. He’s been like this since about 8 months but it seems to be getting worse over time.

It makes me really sad to see as he’s very happy and outgoing at home when it’s just me and his dad.

I’m at my wits end with worry as I am also painfully shy and social phobic and it’s not an exaggeration to say it has completely ruined my life.

I see other friends with babies of a similar age who are very happy to be passed around friends and family - if I try to hand my son to anyone else or even sit him on their lap, he will scream and cry.

He goes to several free baby groups and is okay there, maybe because he’s not the focus. I wish we could send him to nursery as friends say it’s fantastic for confidence building, but we don’t have the money.

What can I do?

My baby is like yours to a far lesser degree in the sense that she is fine at baby groups where she's not the focus, but it more nervous when we visit someone and they're giving her attention straight away. I'd explain the situation in advance to visitors and explain that your baby needs a good amount of time (E. G. 20 mins or so) where all the adults are just having their own separate conversation and not focusing on your baby. Once you can see your baby is settling in a bit, they can gradually start interacting with them but this does not mean having someone in their face wanting to play or holding them. Build it up slowly with interactions from afar.

My eldest was similar OP and it was heartbreaking to see, compared with all the other bouncy, boisterous children around him.

The biggest thing that helped was ignoring the well-meaning comments to force him into situations "to help socialise him", to accept that that was how he was and work with it, rather than wishing he would behave differently. Friends were supportive and we went to places that worked for everyone, in situations that worked for everyone. In turn I became more relaxed which also calmed him. He's now a strapping young man - still reserved, thoughtful, not particularly outgoing but calm, balanced and lovely.

Conversely one of my friends had a super outgoing girl who was always in the middle in baby groups, always the first to return her instrument to the box at the other side of the hall, just very brave and happy. She's now a very shy, reserved, but also gorgeous teen.

Try not to overthink it, try not to compare and adapt to the child you have with the needs he has. Clearly he has a strong bond with his mum so well done mummy!

Oh and also to add, because reading between the lines I think this is what's bothering you too? - anxiety-related disorders can be inherited (but equally can be caused by lots of other things). I don't know if you have a diagnosis but if you don't it might help - then when he's older you will have some basic CBT techniques you can help him with if he needs it. There's lots of support out there for children with GAD - with a bit of digging - so don't despair.

Don't forget this group of babies and toddlers have missed out on a fair bit of socialising and have mostly seen only half of people's faces for months. We went to a party and totally forgot that DD hadn't ever seen that many adults in one place - obviously she cried for ages

I find staying with her and just hanging back helps - she's fine if people approach her solo but the big group and everyone staring at her at once just sets her off. Once she's more comfortable she's fine and will go to people after a while but it really just is practice and patience.

Try to work with him OP. We are all different and your son has his own little personality. My son was like this and the best thing we did was not force him to do anything or did anything that we knew wouldn't work or upset him. He grew out of it eventually and is more confident than I'd ever thought. People will try to make helpful suggestions but the best thing you can do is ignore it and just do whatever makes your son happy. This is the hardest bit. A happy child will thrive so go with the flow and it'll make you happier too.