I’m a useless parent - please help

[muffins888]

I’m a FTM to a happy, lovely 16 month old girl.

However I’m struggling a bit with my parenting and how I should be responding to things.

To give an example, sometimes she will throw a toy out her pram. I will pick it up and give it back to her and then she will do it again, I’ll pick it up and give it back etc etc. It’s my fault as I tried to be very patient when she first did it, so now she laughs when she drops things and thinks it’s some sort of game! If I do eventually take the toy away she shouts to have it back.

Another thing she does is that she’s started shouting a lot when playing too, if she wants something she can’t reach mainly or I’m not paying her enough attention. I thought this was just frustration at not being able to communicate very well, but should I actively be telling her off for shouting?

Sometimes she will pull my hair and I’ll say something like, “no darling, gentle hands please”. But again, should I be using a stern voice and actually telling her off?!

I’m just so confused about when to introduce “discipline” and setting boundaries. She just seems so young for a telling off, as she isn’t actively trying to be naughty at that age surely?

I was going to buy that book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, but have just seen it slagged off on another thread.

Help!

She sounds perfectly normal to me, throwing things and you picking them up is a game to her, laugh along with her.
Shouting I would say is her just finding her voice, getting frustrated when she can't reach something, is again perfectly normal.
Pulling your hair, again normal, disentangle your hair and say no, every time, no need for discipline, just say no and repeat, if she gets upset distract her with a toy.
Have you joined any mum and baby groups? Made friends with other mums? I think you'll find other mums have the same with their babies.
I wouldn't sweat the small stuff, enjoy your baby ❤️

Er, she's just doing what all children have done forever, she's learning. It's not a reflection on your parenting. She's not really doing anything that warrants a telling off in my view. It's a hard stage because they can do a fair bit but don't have any sense.

The chucking things is a game - its fun (for them). But it's also learning object permanence - once things are gone, they can come back. I find distracting works better than saying no. Shouting - lower your volume so she can model, if she shouts then you can say something like "too noisy" or "use a quieter voice" but you're probably on a hiding to nothing as they don't learn volume control for ages in my experience. Hair pulling gets a "no" and remove hand, both of mine have been horrendous for it so I keep mine mostly tied up and out of reach.

Toy throwing is exploring cause and effect - in essence it is a game. But it’s not because you’ve been too patient with her, it’s actually a good sign of development. She throws, toy hits the ground, mum picks it up, passes it back and repeat. She’s not throwing it to be naughty at this age. I appreciate it’s frustrating though, my same age DS does it with food and it really pushes my buttons!

I don’t think discipline is necessary at this age. Mostly because they just won’t understand the link between ‘I’ve done something adults consider naughty (eg shouting or hair pulling) and now mama is cross with me’. That’s too sophisticated for my DS anyway! It’s not unreasonable to distract, but while you are doing so say something like ‘we don’t shout’ or ‘we don’t pull hair’. They won’t get it now, but they will eventually.

I haven’t really put much of it into practice as my DS is the same age as yours and it’s really designed for age 2+, but I thought How To Talk… was brilliant. Shame others felt differently.

I find that book brilliant. It won't appeal to everyone, no parenting 'style' does, but it works really well with my toddler. I've noticed a huge difference in how easily potential difficult scenarios are resolved. We've had a lot less tears and frustration since implementing some of the stuff.

Janet Lansbury's books are also really good, and I've just read How Toddlers Thrive, which explains a lot about why they do the weird things they do

(But yes, most of the stuff in those books is for 2+. Before that they are just babies really!)

Perfectly normal behaviour for her stage of development OP. Do you know much about children's neurological development? Your local health visitor service will have details of free parenting courses for those with under 5s to learn and how to respond positively to your child as they grow and establish healthy boundaries.

Boundaries isn’t telling off. When she pulls your hair say “no” firmly and move away. You’re not saying You did something bad, you’re saying If you hurt me playtime stops. And with the throwing things out of the pram, she thinks it’s a game. If you want to play, just say “oh dear, your toy is on the floor” and don’t fetch it for her. She’ll soon learn that chucking it means no toy.
Discipline actually means teaching. You’re not telling her off, you’re teaching her how to make sense of the world.

The pram toy example I think you’re making life hard for yourself. Toys that attach to the pram or none at all when you’re out for a walk.

The shouting is normal. You can try to encourage her to point instead and definitely use a quiet voice yourself to hope she’ll pick up on it but really it’s fine at this age, just don’t take her anywhere where it might be a problem (fine dining restaurant for example).

Hair pulling I would do exactly as you’ve described, be firm with the no, and mostly wear my hair in a ponytail.

For discipline that they really understand like time out or whatever the child needs to be around 3. You’ve still got a baby. They really can’t be naughty because they don’t understand.

I’ve read that book, thought it was utter shit. But up to you, by all means read it and make your own mind up.

It's just what they do, unfortunately.Mines 20m and I'm starting to remove things that are deliberately thrown for a few minutes.
So, for things like shouting, I generally remind DD that it's not time for shouting and we can shout later in x place...and then play whispering games. She will whisper back, and then it's done.

Thanks for the replies! It sounds like I’m not doing too bad then. I just really want to develop her confidence whilst also setting boundaries!

@LakeShoreD what did you not like about the book?

She’s a baby. In the nicest possible way don’t overthink and just enjoy this stage. I remember being the same with DD as a first time Mum but it honestly doesn’t matter as they are still learning.

At that age my little girl did things like hit/ bite so a lot worse. We didn’t do time outs or anything, just say no/ ignored/ removed her from the situation. She outgrew it and is the most lovely 3 year old.

The Montessori Toddler is another good book - there's stuff in there for younger kids IIRC.

How to talk so kids will listen is a great book imo.

If you want to intimidate your kids into doing what they're told it's not for you. If you want to help them develop internal discipline and a good relationship with you definitely read it.

There's a how to talk so little kids will listen version.

Just make sure you are imposing boundaries and then supporting them through that as they deal with their emotions. E.g. after the toy was thrown a couple of times I'd have warned not to throw again or toy will go away. Inevitably lead to crying, label feelings and give hugs and distract.

Same age here, he also screams/ shouts when he wants things.
I don’t tell him off really, if he’s at stair gate shouting, I usually just go to his level and say something like ‘ let’s not shout, what would you like, would you like lunch?’ Then sign food. Usually he would then nod and point towards kitchen.
Obviously on repeat for various things he might want throughout the day. If it’s not time for anything I usually do the same, tell him it isn’t lunchtime/ outside time/ bed and distract him to come and read or play a while longer.

With the pram throwing. First time it’s an accident maybe, so I pick up and give back. If he does it a second time I just say ‘ oh you don’t want that, give it to mama then please’ and take it away.

He’s still a menace

I think you're doing fine op! Everything you described is normal and doesn't need 'disciplining'. I have read that book and found it useful, but for an older age, more like 3.

You're doing perfect for now! I find 0-3 is about setting routines. Those are the boundaries you need to try and keep with such a little one. And they will set the foundation for behaviour and discipline going forward. I don't think discipline is needed till they get their own little independence around age 3. Keep doing what you're doing but the only thing you need to change is your confidence about it.