Views on grandparents smacking their grandson?

[mummysboy20]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some opinions on smacking children (just to be clear ive always been completely against it even before i had my own child). Im a single parent living with my parents temporarily while there isnt much housing around my area and they are obviously very involved with my son (19 months old) and he is going through the stage of screaming when he cant do something and gets frustrated. He was doing just that just before i walked into the room where my dad was with him and my dad slightly raised his voice to to tell him to stop screaming and then it went silent. My son went quiet and seemed to be bothered by something like as though my dad had smacked him. I dont know for definite if this is what happened but there was something about it that made me feel like thats what had just happened. My dad has always been like that with me and my siblings when we were kids but im a strong believer in not doing it, especially when child is so young and is only doing things because he doesnt know right from wrong yet. I didnt say anything to my dad because he is a bit sensitive and probably would have been offended if id accused him of something he didn't actually do. Where do i go from here? Do i just keep an eye on him and say something if the situation occurs again? Or leave it and just hope that it didnt happen? Thanks in advance for any advice

Make sure your parents are aware that your DS is to never be smacked by them or anyone else. If they have so little control of their actions, they should never be left alone with your DS.

Non negotiable for me.

I think that if your dad did smack him then your dd would cry maybe?

I would have a frank conversation with GP’s that smacking is not ok. The world has changed and moved on. I was smacked and a child and no it didn’t do me any harm but that was then. Sorry to ask but Surely your ds would have cried if he’d been smacked?

You are the parent. You need to set guidelines for your child. Make it clear to your parents that smacking is not allowed. If they balk, then do not leave your child alone with them. Stop being so passive. You responsibility is to your child, not to your father’s feelings. You are a mother. Start acting like one.

You need to lay down the rules of what is and IS NOT acceptable with YOUR son.

If you even suspect your dad could do that, you need to nip it in the bud NOW.

You need to also remind your dad that shouting at toddlers might only encourage that behaviour from them.

A straight forward Dad have you smacked him? If yes then deal with that how you see fit.

If not reiterate you never intend to smack him and will be furious if he ever does. If he’s ever in a position where he feels the need to he needs to ring you and you will collect the children —and never leave them unsurprised in his presence again—

I also think that a 19 months old child who was smacked would cry. He must have been just been shocked at how your dad spoke to him.

But if you know your parents have no problem with smacking I think you really need to keep an eye on both your child and parents’ behaviour to diffuse situations before they explode or find another place.

You need to set the ground rules. Have you already told your parents how you feel about smacking?

If my parents smacked my child they'd never be in a room together unsupervised again. They'd potentially never be in a room supervised again to be honest, but my parents are very clear on my opinions on smacking.

It was the raised voice.
My dad never smacked me or my sister.
He was very loving.
He had firm boundaries and a raised voice was all it took.
My dh is the same.
(We used to run rings round my grandma though)

You do need to take control of the situation yourself instead of leaving it for your parents to discipline your child.

Ime, smacking has only been for "life or death" situations, if nothing else is working.

For being loud... well.... that can be tricky. Try maybe to make a calm down bottle. That seemed to help DD2. You take them to the side and say that they need to stay there and watch the stars/wtv you have inside falling. It diffuses the situation. She made it herself, it's her favourite colour and what not.

Does smacking stop a child crying? I'd have thought the opposite effect.

If you're going to leave your child in the care of your parents, you need to accept they'll do it their way. If you don't like that you need to make other arrangements/not leave them alone.

But you need to find out what happened, not jump to (unlikely) conclusions.

I agree with Robin. The threat that "mummy will get angry" was all it took to get my small DC in line, they really didn't like a raised voice.

You would have heard it if he had smacked the child. And probably the scream and crying that comes after. You were wise not to accuse him of smacking with no evidence.

@CampaignToo

Does smacking stop a child crying? I'd have thought the opposite effect.

If you're going to leave your child in the care of your parents, you need to accept they'll do it their way. If you don't like that you need to make other arrangements/not leave them alone.

But you need to find out what happened, not jump to (unlikely) conclusions.

They are living in the same house though unfortunate necessity at the moment - there are bound to be times when the OP and her dc are in different rooms.

Your father is sensitive.
But you seem to imply he was ok shouting and to smack you when you were young.

His "sensitivity" is now secondary to the safety or well being of your child. If there is even a sniff he is intimidating (rasing his arms to) your child, he has to be told thats just unacceptable. This is not a 2way conversations, this is a clear direct instruction not to behave like that to your child.

You didn’t say anything to your Dad because he is “sensitive”? I cannot believe how many people on Mumsnet are prepared to let their kids get abused rather than upset someone. For Gods sake, stand up for and protect your child. That’s your job. Honestly!

I was furious when my dad raised his voice to my 10-month-old. Make it clear that you don’t want your child to be smacked and hopefully your parents should abide by that in the future. Parents tend to be out of date in their views. Feel empowered by the fact your approach is up-to-date and the right one.

Well it’s illegal in Scotland and I think it should be extended to the rest of the UK (if not the world).
You wouldn’t let a stranger assault your small child, so why would you permit it from family?

If my sons grandparents laid even a finger on him in a violent way, I would stop contact immediately.

He can manage his feelings, he’s an adult, no need to pander to the fragile petal. You do not leave your child with anyone where there’s even a slight threat that they’d assault or abuse him in any way. Obviously.

From your description it doesn't at alll sound like he smacked him. I wouldn't go wading in with no evidence

Regardless of whether your father did smack your child, make it abundantly clear to your parents that you do not find smacking acceptable. If they overstep that boundary, you know what to do.

He stopped crying after being smacked ? I would have expected the opposite TBH . I f in doubt again just ask him directly.