Toddler rules the roost

[namechanger1223455]

I am in desperate need of help

My son is 3 and very now and then will be quite specific as to what he would like done . E.g for breakfast he will have cereal and I have to pick a bowl for him, if his dad is next to the bowls and he picks one to give him my son will literally screams and will hit the roof because I haven't done it. I get he's 3.
He will also scream and shout if his brother opens the door and he wanted to do it.
He will also scream and shout if I don't take his socks off in the right order.
He will also scream and shout if I don't understand what he wants because he Outside screaming and shouting stuff that makes no sense at the time.

I get he is 3 but myself and my husband ahave had disagreements about how to handle it. I'm trying the approach to talk to him and sort of do it in the order he likes it and my husband gets pissed off and tells me he has to learn that it doesn't always happen that way and will tell him he's getting the bowl or not to tell me to close the door so he can then open it.

I really don't know what to do or how to explain what I even mean 😢
He's such a lovely boy and he definitely knows what he wants. Mu husband seems to think that by doing it my sons way that im giving him what he wants and that essentially he is manipulating me. I know how daft that sounds. He is 3.
I don't even know what im asking here but I just need someone to tell me that im not doing everything wrong or that I am and to stop giving into him 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t have the answer but just wanted to say that my 3 year old is exactly the same. Very strong willed, stubborn etc. But also lovely when he wants to be.

Your post made me chuckle! My DD was like this, and my DS is turning out the same. I think you are right, our Threenagers are just hard work.

I think you and your DH are both right, actually. I think you can use different strategies. I'm a big believer in saying yes when Yes is safe and unimportant ("you wanna wear your winter coat in August? Okay, you can take it off later if you're hot.") But having some boundaries is important too, and you can firmly reinforce those.

My son is 3 soon, and he is already a proper primadonna about things being done how he wants them done. Some of it we just have to say firm NO to (ice cream for breakfast, climbing on the back of the sofa etc). Some of the madness I put up with. Some of it i comment on and tickle him and say "you want to put your nappy OVER your Jeans? Silly!" and try and make him giggle about it. Sometimes I distract him and try and avoid whatever crazy idea he has got in his head.

Also, pre-empt problems by offering choices ("do you want the blue PJs or the red ones tonight?") as this is helpful to your average Threenager.

I feel the need for a compromise and a more cohesive strategy for dealing with this.
I agree with your husband up to a point. He does need to learn that life isn’t always the way he wants it.
And we have to remember that toddlers are famous for their irrational wants.
It makes no sense for you to cross the room and swap places with your DH in order to pick a bowl!! Things like that would be a no from me.
Instead I’d be getting DH to offer a 2 bowl choice (gives your son ownership) but after that there’s no more engagement. You’ve given him a choice but on your terms.
The socks thing- an irrational one, he can take his own socks off.
The door thing- try and agree in advance who does it and follow it through.
Tantrums are part of toddler life, you can’t (and shouldn’t) always fix it/change things to try and stop the screaming.
It’s not a long term answer.

Could encouraging him to do stuff for himself help? Surely he is perfectly capable of taking his own socks off.
I also refuse to respond to being shouted at. I just say I can't understand shouting and grisling. Most times 3yr old then talks to me and we have a proper conversation about whatever it is (today = wearing her Christmas jumper).

Have you or any education or health professionals ever had any other concerns about his development or behaviour? Rigid routines and distress when these aren't followed can be a challenge for children with ASD so if this could be a possibility for your son then a more sensitive approach will be needed.

However if your son is otherwise developing typically and you have no other concerns then this is likely to just be typical toddler meltdowns and in my opinion needs a kind but firm approach.

Control is a big thing for toddlers and whilst they have little control over the big things in life, they will try to take control where they can. However I agree with your husband that pandering to all his demands isn't doing anyone any favours.

I think you need to be firm about demands that are completely unreasonable but try to offer some other choice so he doesn't lose control completely. "Mummy is sat down. Daddy will get you a bowl- would you like a green bowl or blue bowl/weetabix or Cheerios/big spoon or little spoon?' If he screams then just keep repeating calmly. You're not crossing paths with your husband to get a bowl he's standing next to, so here are the options available.

I would also really try to work with him on learning how to calm down and use his words to explain what's wrong and not be so responsive to his screaming. This can be done in a very loving way, giving him cuddles or providing other strategies to help him regulate his emotions but being firm that 'mummy can't hear your words when you're screaming, let's calm down and you can tell me what's wrong'

I'm not sure I can add anything particularly useful...it seems to be a stage. I do try to go with natural consequences as far as possible. My DC (also 3) once decided they wanted to go to the park with no clothes on. They got as far as the end of our road only wearing pants before changing their mind.

I agree that for some things you should just go with it and, for others, you should set some red lines. My DC used to scream if given any 'broken' food... so e.g. a broken biscuit, a cut-up banana, a shared cupcake. So I started saying "Well, it's this or nothing" (and following through) and it only took a couple of times for them to think better of it. You do have more power than you think. If he screams and hits the roof because his dad gets the cereal bowl, maybe try getting his dad to put the bowl away and telling him no cereal until he stops screaming.

I started saying "Well, it's this or nothing" (and following through) and it only took a couple of times for them to think better of it.

We do this too - if they want it enough they learn to put up with a minor annoyance like the wrong bowl. I think getting him involved more sounds good and helps set him up for the next couple of years. I do think it really is about choosing which hill you're going to die on and on what day - I can have some level of mucking around on some days but on nursery days he's getting chucked in the car in his PJ's with no breakfast if necessary (for example. He can have breakfast at nursery - I'm not a monster 🤣)