Have had it, kids, autism

[Generatenewname]

Have NC for this.

Eldest has ASD. Youngest is almost
2 and NT.

I’m a SAHM because I am eldest’s carer. DH is very supportive. Wfh and helps a lot.

I’m so run down.

two kids interface plus autism. All the fights you’d normally have but with a neurodiverse complications eg 2 yr old wants breakfast, 4 yr old cannot let this happen as she wants them to get dressed. Screaming so much high pitched screaming. Poor 2 yr old doesn’t understand

Two year old tantrums a lot. That distresses eldest who reacts to noise and emotions

• the communication is so hard. I wanted to take them to the park. Autistic daughter says “red playground is too hot”. It’s 8am she doesn’t actually mean it’s too hot but I don’t know what she does mean. She screams no at me,

I can’t take the high pitched screams anymore,

My 2 yr old wakes up at 5 every day. I’ve got a gro clock. It’s not paying off yet. I’m exhausted. One or both usually wake in night. Husband helps.

I’ve spent the morning sobbing in front of them, I’m fairly certain I have Complex ptsd stemming from my own childhood. And maybe I’m autistic too.

My eldest starts school in September so I may get a break but the mornings getting ready kill me. It’s a nightmare. So I’ll have to do that shit but with huge time pressure. Plus school will be hard for her so we will all pay for that after school behaviour wise.

I wish I’d never have kids. I wish I was free of my life as it’s just so shit.

I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I have family members with ASD and it is not easy.
You need some you time to recharge. I find with my baby if I don't take some me time then I constantly running on empty.
I heard a good analogy once... Think of yourself as a cup and your children as little cups. How can you keep topping up their cups if your cup is empty? You need to fill your cup up (with self care and me time) in order to be able to fill their cups up! If yours is empty then you can't help them.
I know it's easier said than done, but this is a here j would start if I were you.

Earplugs for the screaming OP

Two suggestions about the playground:

Did you go one day when it was hot, and she now has a negative association? Try explaining (in her language) that not all days are hot. Today is not a hot day, show her the weather outside.

Some autistic people associate colour with certain emotions or feelings. Red might indicate hot. Is the playground literally red? Is there an alternative playground nearby?

Hiya. Didn't want to read and run. You're doing better than you think you are. Life with two wee people is hard, but add in the differences in social communication and it's all so much harder. Cut yourself some slack: the trick is to keep breathing.

I can't say how to manage your child with ASD but I can say what worked for me and mine at that age: being organised. Do everything you can possibly do the night beforehand. Clothes ready, lunchbox made, waterbottle filled etc. That way you're cutting down the number of moving parts in the morning.

If your child is anything like mine the change of routine will be hard, so try starting trial running before they go to school - gradually changing getting up time, putting on clothes already laid out, walking to school to take a look at it etc. A social stories list might help, wee pictures that show the order of things to be done so that your child knows where they are in the series and what will happen next. We found utter predictability really helpful - the younger one just had to fit in! (Hasn't done him any harm, if that reassures you)

This is hard but you can do it. You're already doing it. Stick in!

Oh, and we found a wee while of being left alone after school worked well - he'd run out of peopling for the day. Skip the homework etc if you need to - keep life simple. ;-)

@Toomuchis thanks. That’s good advice. That’s my plan re mornings but I’ve no idea how compliant she’ll be with it all.I want to practise uniform before hand but I think she’ll be resistant, I can try. We’ve got a social story and we have a morning routine anyway although it doesn’t always seem to help. She needs to be in control really.

@saamantha19881 I know this is what exactly what I need but we’re struggling. We have no family who can manage both kids. Tried using someone for babysitting but it didn’t work out .just hugely stressed my daughter. I’m praying that come September school will mean I get a break. I need sleep and a break so badly.

@CorrBlimeyGG thanks. We don’t call it red playground- I just didn’t want to use it’s real name. I can’t think what her last time there was like - I’ll check with DH. I think I must’ve said “it’s too hot” once and she’s echoing. She’s saying “it’s not good” basically and she’s not able to really explain why.

Firstly hugs for you, I’ve got 2 kids and one with ASD myself (the other probably is too but not diagnosed yet). Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Apologies if you already have but have you tried a “now and next” board with your daughter which has pictures of what you need to do in order. (If you do internet search you’ll see examples).
So “now we are going to brush your teeth … then we will wash your face, then you will put on your uniform” Etc.

OP my just turned six year old has autism and I totally understand. It been way way easier this year but I remember one summer when I swear I didn't leave the house because even the mention of going out caused a meltdown . It's tough going but he has gotten so much better as he had gotten older. One of the hardest things is people just not understanding that it's not like a nt child they aren't just playing up or misbehaving they actually genuinely don't want to go wherever it is and they can't cope with it.

Yup it sucks ive three with needs one ticks they all tick one is a screamer two are shouters my head is fucking Killing me today ive not drank they are all hitting the roof at each other its a nightmare

School ended up not being bad for my first she loves it my second it was a case of dress and drag my third its dress and walk to regulate him before school (movement regulates him he gets movement breaks in school too) he gets a lift home in the car if he walks nicely to school if he misbehaves he has to walk home (he NEVER misbehaves before school)

It will work out

@RainyDay2020 thanks, please don’t apologise, but yes we have. We moved on to a whole visual morning routine although it was other problems we ended up solving. Eg she has v long complex repetitive play which can’t be interrupted so timers etc don’t work for that. A lot of her behaviour stems from anxiety, my poor baby. Sometimes she really surprises me and something I’d thought would stress her out is fine and other times she’ll suddenly refuse to do something I thought would be fine. I wish we could talk it through. Her communication is getting more developed but not at that stage yet.

I love her so much and I wish this was not true but being her mum is so hard. So draining. I feel there’s nothing left of me.

@Theunamedcat my head is killing me too. It will work out / the future might be ok is what I’m trying to believe. But I’m a shell of the person I was.

@SparkyBlue thanks. It gives me hope that it’s got easier for you. I hope that is my experience. The worse thing for me is the sheer difficulty of doing anything. Simple things are now hugely problematic. The constant stress and worry and yes so isolating that our experience of parenting is so far removed from most people’s.

Ah I see you’ve already tried it.

All you can do is keep on with routines and trial and error (sorry I know that feels like an uphill struggle).

The thing with the park could be something she can’t actually describe.
My son is a teenager now but he used to have places he
hated for reasons he couldn’t explain at the time. Years later he was sometimes able to explain.
For example, one time we went down a particular street and there was dog poop on the path, therefore he didn’t want to walk down that street 6 months later.

It is so hard.

I'd suggest getting full time childcare for the NT child so you can provide full time care for your ASD child. It's not fair for either of them to be tagged together.

Is your eldest child going to be starting school this September?

I've just found this thread as I was searching for any parents of children with autism threads, I'm so sorry you're going through this op. My sons just been formally diagnosed, he's 12, I've always known he wasn't your typical child. My heart breaks for him and I'm overwhelmed by it all. He's just started school after a 16 month break due to covid (living abroad) it's so difficult. Everyday I worry he's going to explode about something. I can offer no help, but I understand everything you're saying.

My autistic DS used to do the full-on high-pitched screaming every morning when he was 3/4 (it was soul destroying!) but it has toned down a lot (he’s now 5) as his language skills have improved and we now have fairly smooth mornings 80-90% of the time. Although of course there are always going to be challenges with his ASD things are a bit easier now.