Always questioning yourself?

[LittleFishes1907]

Is this a common feeling or am I being unduly anxious?

I have a 15mo and I feel like I'm forever questioning my parenting and how well I'm doing.

As an example, he is breastfed, and still wakes 2-3 times a night only to be resettled with a feed. I'll read something which reassures me that that kind of responsive parenting is great and then I'll read something else which makes me worry I'm not giving him the tools to develop independently as well. I worry I'm holding on to too much control as others can't easily step in to settle him etc. When he whinges out and about, I'm quick to sing a song/distract/change activity when maybe he needs to learn that sometimes you just have to sit in the buggy/car etc?? I have a sibling who has a very co-dependent relationship which my parents so perhaps that's at the back of my mind.

I basically worry and overanalyse a lot! Is that just part and parcel of being a parent?

I think it's easy to over analyse because you want to make the right choices for your child.

What you've suggested for your 15mo doesn't sound abnormal and no he's not going to know to sit still when you're out at that age, so if singing a song works I don't see a problem.

Hi @LittleFishes1907 I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all.
Your baby is still very young and they want to be held and know you are close by.
Soothing and singing and making sure they are ok in the pram is totally normal.

My DD has just turned 3 and can do lots of things independently, age appropriate of course. And I can remember being out shopping with her in the pram and being super anxious about her crying and fussing. I once abandoned shopping as I thought she was going to start crying - couldn't wait to just get home. She was totally fine! Just wind !

First time mum nerves.

Yes and no I think! For me personally, constantly analysing my every move and decision and agonising over whether it was right was part and parcel of pnd. I have always had anxiety, but it went in to overdrive and was horrible to live with.

I’m now on ads, which has taken the second guessing myself away pretty much. I still do some reading to figure some stuff out, but I feel much more comfortable with what decisions I make as their mother, and ultimately I feel ok that I’m doing my best. I might not get everything right, and I do worry about that but it’s not all consuming.

Ultimately, I think it’s about having confidence about what feels right for you and your family. Everyone will have an opinion about your parenting style, but if you believe it’s right and your DC is happy and healthy, and you change things if it’s not working then it’s all good I think?!

I don’t think you’re worrying to excess, you want the best for your child and your looking for information to help you do that.if you weren’t doing things because of the worry then I think that’s be different.

The problem is you can find any information online to back up pretty much anything. I have pretty much stopped looking online now, I didn’t find it actually useful, I just ended up not able to make decisions.

If you’re happy waking a few times a night still that that’s not really anyone’s business but yours, same with the other stuff. It’s you and what you think is best.

I'm the same OP, although three children later and years down the line it has got a bit better. It is exhausting but at the same time I've found it can be a source of self-reflection and growth... can you identify what it is that breeds your anxiety? What good does it do for you right now- what are you looking for safety from- and how does it also get in the way of the kind of parent you want to be? If your sister has an unhealthy relationship with your parents, what about your own childhood? Have you come across any books such as The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, or The Conscious Parent? Or stuff on the 'mother wound' and how we can pass certain issues/patterns through the generations... Don't want to send you down a rabbit hole though!!

Fwiw in my opinion at this age you can still be very responsive. There are lots of bogus sleep consultants out there and outdated parenting advice from older generations both of which perpetuate this myth about bad habits, associations, 'manipulative' children and what not that gives the idea that small children have to be 'made' to become independent. They become independent all by themselves in time! It's more as preschoolers or whenever they start to push boundaries for the (healthy and normal) sake of testing them that it is important to enforce clear boundaries and be a firm leader ( as well as still responsive to the child's actual needs).

I think it is natural to question yourself and probably good that you do in theory. But with so much information on the Internet it can be overwhelming. I think most decide what parenting style they are comfortable with and follow that path. I questioned right up until late teens, am I too lax and I too strict. It goes with the territory . But if your anxiety is making you ill then talk to the dr.

@LittleFishes1907 our situation with our 14 month old sounds very similar to yours. I definitely over-analyze parenting decisions I make and worry about the 'independence/schedule vs being responsive' debate. I find all the internet information a bit overwhelming and difficult to filter/read critically at times (especially when sleep deprived waking up for the fourth time in the night etc) but generally feel better when I go with the flow and follow baby's lead. Slowly getting more confident with everything and have put this all down to being first time parents.... Although I'm not surprised, what a learning curve it is!

I was in a similar situation to you and I now have a very independent 4 year old if that's any reassurance!
I personally believe that whole they won't be independent thing is outdated advice. I actually think it's the opposite in order to become independent they need to learn dependence and experience responsive parenting.
Don't let others influence you. As PP said you can find evidence online for whatever you want. Just follow your gut/what comes natural to you and your DC.

Thanks all. There's definitely a FTM element to it as well.

People often say trust your maternal instinct but I'm not always sure I know what that's telling me! But if something doesn't feel right I guess that's the main thing and for now feeding back to sleep is the easiest and gentlest way for us all to get better overall sleep so perhaps that's the main thing until it seems unsustainable.

I wouldn't say the worry is stopping me do anything other than leave him overnight for now but he is still young. It's just a bit exhausting on top of sleep deprivation to live with a level of doubt all the time.

At some point feeding to sleep will also stop working (it did for us anyway). I definitely went through many months of worrying about whether you're meant to feed to sleep or not but in hindsight I'd embrace it while it works. I found when my DC got older at some point they just wouldn't fall asleep on the boob anymore, so we naturally moved on to singing lullabies, sitting with them etc.