Please help me with my 1 year old

[Courtney1993]

Firstly thank you for looking at my post, I can't tell you how desperate I am for your help and support.

I have a 12.5 month old little girl, im struggling with her beyond words to the point I actually hate her as a person.

She doesn't kiss or hug me EVER. She makes a continuous moany of grunting noise in general but that only amplifies if I try and pick her up or interact with her.

She eats brilliantly, sleeps reasonably well, isn't currently teething, no illnesses or temperature.

She constantly hits and throws herself back when in the company of other people (friends, family ect) I find myself constantly apologising for her appalling, embarrassing behaviour.

If she has done something really naughty eg hit another child or thrown a toy I always tell her off, "we don't hit because it hurts but we can be gentle like this...."

If its just a general tantrum about something minor eg I want to eat that pencil but my mum won't let me have it

"You can't eat the pencil because it isn't for eating but you can chew on this teething ring" if it continuous i ignore the tantrum and just tell her "mummy is here when you need me" and basically let her cry it out.

Without sounding like the worst mum in the world I really have created a horrible child, nothing makes her happy, she hates me and her dad, is constantly frustrated and angry, I feel like my head is just above water.

She is walking but can't walk far (she can walk the length of the living room)

I guess the whole point of this post is trying to find some reassurance as to if it is a phase and it will pass or if you have any advice, I don't feel like I'm a lazy parent, so why is she so horrible, I see everyone else's 1 year old and they are so kind, happy and fun, I just regret ever having her 😢

She's a baby, she isn't a horrible child, and it's absolutely a phase. There was a point when my DD was a similar age (about 15 months) when I looked at her and thought "what have I DONE???" Babies - especially mobile babies developing their own views on life - are horribly hard work.

In terms of advice - if you're explaining "we don't hit because it hurts" that is an explanation suited to a much older child. At 12m your baby won't follow that and it sounds like you're doing it for the benefit of others watching rather than the baby. Just "NO" and remove the thrown toy / redirect might work better.

Does she have any words or sounds at all? The grunting and throwing herself back and not wanting to interact - I would speak to the health visitor. It could be a phase, it could be something they want to keep an eye on.

Hi OP I really empathize with you.

When you are pregnant, you imagine your baby, you assume they will be a certain way and you will love every bit of them. And when they're not, it's confusing and it hurts.

This happened with my son. He is nothing like how I imagined a child of mine would be and it creates an awful barrier between us. He is nearly 2. I do love him, he's my son, but I feel disconnected to him. I wondered if it was because he is a boy. But when he is headbutting my jaw and I have to take a moment to myself to cry or he has just thrown a fork at me or chucked his plate on the floor or pushed me away when I ask for a cuddle, I ask myself WHY did I TTC for 7 years for this.

I'm sorry to not offer advice, but I feel the same as you. Sending a virtual hug 💗

She is just a baby and you have said that you hate her, her behaviour is appalling and embarrassing and she is horrible!

Mine was not an affectionate child. Didn’t kiss or cuddle, would yell and wriggle away from me. Then aged 3 he started to kiss and cuddle me all the time and tell me he loved me. No doubt in a few years he’ll be back to saying “Mum, gerroff!”

She is just a baby! Please stop calling her horrible and saying her behaviour is appalling she is a baby she doesn't understand what she is doing. At that age often you have to distract them on to something else and give them instead of the thing you don't want them to have. I would talk to your HV about it though, all the concerns and that you are struggling. You are her world and she might not like being kissed or cuddled but there will be other ways to connect with her and it could just be a phrase. I would speak to someone soon she is totally dependent on you and you need to find a way to parent her without all the resentment. Please get help OP you are not a bad parent you are asking for help so you must love her, you just have to find a better way to parent her and her needs.

Your expectations are hugely off. It sounds more like you are trying to parent a 5 year old, not a 1 year old. It’s bloody hard when they want to be more independent - I know my DS had horribly long phases of being difficult and moany towards the end of his first year. A 1 year old however can’t be ‘horrible’ or ‘kind’ and they certainly don’t display ‘bad behaviour’. They are not even close to such sophisticated emotions - they do things through impulse with no thought about how their actions affect others.

She might not mellow - kids are born with temperaments and, as much as we all want the chilled out, ‘happy’ baby, some of us get the highly strung, more challenging ones. But you really can’t make any inferences on her personality yet. She’s so so young and literally everything, good and bad, is a phase.

She can probably pick-up on the fact that her Mum doesn't like her. Please don't say she's horrible and embarrassing, she's a baby.

I agree with PP- your expectations are way, way too high.

The wordy explanations are pointless. A simple, 'kind hands' or, 'no hitting' will suffice.

Also, in my experience of over a decade of primary school teaching, there are no horrible children. None. There are parents and teachers who find it easier to blame the child than their own skills as teachers or parents, but there are no intrinsically horrible children. The second you start blaming the child, you've lost.

Distraction and sharp,short no's are best at this age, she won't understand your explanation until much older and will be frustrated at not understanding or being understood.

I do think you should speak to your HV about this though, it's a common phase to be frustrated with but your language is extreme.

Might be worth a little chat with your GP ❤️ PND can manifest in this way. Lots of love xx

You say she throws herself back, hits etc. Do you think she might have developmental issues? It could explain her behaviour?

It will be a phase. My babe is the same age and has been hard work the last few weeks with some similar behaviours.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way and as others have said I think you should probably talk to someone about it.
Also, as others have said, simplify what you're saying. A firm no and distraction techniques are more appropriate.
Keep going mama. You've got this.

She's so young, she's not going to understand your reasoning at all. Distraction is your friend here.

Can you ensure she doesn't have access to things she can't have, like pencils? Anything guaranteed to peak interest/cause harm is kept well out of babies view in this house. And if she does find something she can't have, find her something more exciting first and entice her with that, and then hide the pencil/offending object. Just taking it away is guaranteed to cause grief!

She's so young still. 1 year olds throw themselves back and get angry because they can't communicate properly. My little one was the same at that age, she's 1 and a half now and so much happier because she can tell us what she wants. It will get better, but you need to lower your expectations. She's not embarrassing, she's just a baby.