How did you cope raising kids without family nearby?

[lking679]

Wondering if any other mums live hundreds of miles away from their maternal family and if you found it lonely with your kids... or what did you do that made it better? DC1 is 3 and DC2 is 10 months. Have mum friends which seems to work out in the week but then our weekends stretch out ahead of us and mum friends tend to be around their own extended families and not available! DH here obviously but otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️. Not sure if things will get busier when DC1 starts school next September!

My sister lives a short flight away, the rest of my family live a 1.5 hour car journey away.
MIL lives ten mins away but we're no contact and dh's sibling is about four hours away so we're pretty much on our own.

I haven't lived near family since I was 18 so I'm used to it really, although I feel sad for my children who don't get to see there grandparents weekly as I did as a child.

I remember being where you are. I found it hard and very lonely at times. It will change when your eldest starts school and also when the baby becomes a toddler. We’re now a full blown party just the 5 of us! The first year with a second baby is hard and lockdown has been hard so that’s a big combination. Hang in there. It will get so much easier in the next 6 months. We didn’t leave the kids with anyone other than each other for the first few years but then we’ve used older teenager babysitters and that’s been great. Really freeing. We have a regular booking once a week for me to go to a club that my DH was always struggling to get home from work in time for me to go to and then he meets me afterwards for a quick drink and chat in the pub before we head home and I love that. The young years are fabulous and I look back at photos with nostalgic longing but life is definitely easier and lots of fun now. We go to Parkrun and junior Parkrun at the weekends. It’s great. The kids are up early anyway. You get to know the people at your local Parkrun so you get a social hit but there is no pressure to have to turn up or rely on one other person turning up and we’re all slowly getting fitter. Our Parkrun is flat enough for a running buggy but lots of people walk at Parkrun if you wanted to use a sling/backpack etc. Our course is more than 1 lap so we started the kids off doing a part/Parkrun but the youngest was doing a full Parkrun before they were 5. Good luck with it all.

I found friends with other Mums in my position, as those with nearby family seemed unable to understand I didn't have childcare available at any time.
TBH I much prefer paying for babysitters; then it is reasonable to dictate preferences and, reading MN, family babysitters seem to do things their way.

We don't live that far from family but we don't spend much time together, they are extremely hands-off and despite having loads of family no one has ever minded our kids for even 10 mins, my own mum has never even accompanied me on a walk or to a playground. They send loads of lovely messages etc.
We do find it hard but our three dcs are getting older now and what we do is swap over a lot to give each other breaks at weekends or just do our own stuff together. We are a strong unit. It can be very tricky especially when the dcs were small and one of us got sick. That was so tough tbh but we got through it.
I just hate other ppls assumptions that family are always there and willing to help, even when we visit we have to manage all three at all times and there's no question of us going for a walk together and leaving the dcs with grandparents. It's weird but what can ya do! Covid made zero difference to us re support as we have none..

We used nursery staff to babysit and later on a daughter of friends at church who is a nursery teacher now. We go out more with work colleagues than together. Hardly ever had in laws to babysit - possibly twice? First time we came back from a wedding reception to find DS1 bawling and I wished I’d ignored the in laws and booked the nursery staff. My mum died many years ago. It is what it is - we just make the best of it.

I love the freedom of doing my own thing, making my own decisions, free from judgement. I love my independence and knowing we are doing it our way. I miss my siblings and the town they live in, but would find it really hard living near my parents. I don't think the practical help (not having to take 3dc to the dentist with me etc) is worth it. We can't justify the expense of babysitters so we don't go out but as a result we have a very strong little family unit. All in all I am glad I live away from my family. However, I hope my kids want to live near me as adults. My mum didn't make me feel like this though. She always championed independence and making your own life. I feel she is missing out more than us.

Tbh, one of the things that surprises me on Mn is the general assumption that it’s the norm to live close to your parents — virtually no one I know even lives in the same country as their parents in adulthood. The world’s a big place.

We're in the Middle East (me, DH, 5yr old, 3 yr old and newborn due any day)

DH's sister is in South Africa, his brother in the UK, all other family dead

My mum and brother are in UK (but couldn't imagine them helping with childcare etc anyway)

We have a nanny who we couldn't manage without. And as we live in such an expat-centric community, everyone is in the same position, so we become each other's family.

Still feel a tiny bit bitter/upset when I hear about others who have so much help and support from their family. COVID hasn't helped either, as we haven't been 'home' for over two years.

It was / is crap. Not sure what to tell you other than to pay for babysitting if you can spare the money and that it gets better when the kids reach school age and you can build community with other parents, join sports teams, carpool etc. You get a support network around you. The baby / toddler age is hard because even if you join a parents group (as I did) they’re usually geared towards SAHPs and on weekends people are still busy with family.

Ironically COVID helped me feel better about it all because suddenly we were all in the same boat. It didn’t matter if you were 1,000 or 100 miles away from family because we were all quarantined & doing it solo anyway. First time since becoming a parent that I haven’t felt like a freak for not having my parents coming around to visit every minute of the day.

My family live in the UK and I’m in Australia. My mum also died 20 years ago. It’s unbelievably hard. I miss them every day particularly with the hard lockdown we have here and no sign of when international borders will open.

I rely on my husband a lot and I call a friend and / or my sister, brother or dad when I need someone one step removed. I miss them so much it hurts.

@lking679 things will get a lots busier from about 4y onwards when weekends have things like swimming lessons, ballet lessons, football matches in them 😁 and also birthday parties of classmates

I thought it would be great moving to live near my parents, until actually having children changed our relationship for the worse! The area is beautiful so all’s not lost, but no babysitting really so still no nights out...

We live in a different country to our families. It does get a lot easier as the kids get older though.

We did a lot of stuff separately when the kids were younger - separate hobbies / friends / nights out.

We socialised with other families at weekends - had people over for Sunday lunch then as the kids got older Saturday nights - picnic / movie in the living room for the kids / dinner for the adults in the dining room. As long as everyone has kids and you are in the same boat its chaos but fun.

Made the most of it when my parents visited - days out when the kids were little became nights away as they got older.

We didn't really know any different so I guess you don't miss what you never had.

The baby / toddler years are by far the hardest as its relentless, I will never forget both dh and I having gastro when dd was a baby. I think she spent 24 hours strapped into a bouncy chair while dh and I tag teamed the bathroom.

For me the turning point was when they reached an age that they would play independantly in a morning and I could sit with a cup of coffee and get some head space to actually plan the weekend

Hang in there, it will get easier soon

It hasn't really been a problem for us but you do need to have the right mindset

IME it helps if you embrace the area where you are living and make an effort to make friends in the area where you live (this is easier once DC are school age)

Try not to focus on what you don't have or compare yourself to other Mums who have family nearby

We live in an area where at least 50% of families are 'comer inners' so it doesn't feel unusual or a problem to not have family nearby.

I won't lie, there have been times I've envied friends who live near their families and get lots of family support but I try not to dwell on this or allow myself to wallow in self pity

It doesn't really bother me. Well, I am very jealous of friends who get to go away with their spouses and leave the kids with grandparents but other than that.

Our weekends are usually:

Saturday morning - activities for the kids like football/swimming

Saturday afternoon - take it in turns to go out for exercise

Sunday - family day out, not always a big thing, sometimes just a park etc

We also see friends from pre kid life in different ways - dinner at ours when kids in bed or brunch out with kids etc

I am surprised that you prefer the company of mum friends to your DH - I like having mum friends but I wouldn't pick any of them for a good chat over my DH

@lking679, I hear you loud and clear!!
My dc are 9 and 12. Until last month, DM lived 250 miles away. DH’s parents live 180 miles away. Our various siblings etc are scattered round the globe. After 18 months on her own, DM moved to us last month (it is glorious!).

But we got this far with no family support, and even now it’s limited as she is nearly 80. You are right, “mum” friends provided essential company during the week, but all did their own stuff - extended family, activities with older children,,shift work, children visited non resident parent - at weekends. I used to dread winter weekends, and for years had a feeling of impending doom from about September. I’m very much one for puddle suits and wellies and going out anyway, but there is only so much enthusiasm one can generate! I joined a gym with a pool and we did a lot of swimming in those early years…. I think dc have been to every museum and art gallery in Yorkshire too!!

If does get better as dc get older and start school, because all the stuff you would do during the week has to be done on a weekend. Haircuts, shoes, swimming lessons, birthday parties, and they make more friends. I made more friends when ds started school too, by volunteering on the kids club committee (wrap around care). I was at work, so couldn’t get involved in PTFA.

Now, I am a weekend taxi for my preteens football matches, cricket tournaments, sleepovers. They are getting a bit more independent. I’ve worked hard on maintaining my network of friends here and I don’t have enough time at weekends!!

When DS was born we lived at the other end of the UK from family, I was a SAHM and so it was perfectly manageable despite my now XH working long hours with lots of travel. Moved closer to home when pregnant with DTs so had a little more support with a toddler and twin babies, but tbh not as much as I anticipated/ was promised and in any case nearest family was still an hour away. First year of the twins's life is a complete blur in my memory. XH was travelling even more by then and still working down south so only home at weekends. We moved abroad when DTs were 2 so once again no family support. I don't think I could have done it and worked too, but it's much easier these days with teenagers, despite being single for past 5 years, and working now.

I do think the stress and resentment from doing practically ALL the parenting and household stuff was partly to break for the divorce, but on the other hand it did mean being single hasn't phased me.

Moved away from family with DD1 when she was 3 months old, despite having PND with the help of the health visitor found some parent and baby groups and made friends that way, joined a keep fit group at local school. It is a start to making friends.

Difficult at times , but making a network of good friends is important. As is great childcare.

Some people are being really snippy with you, not sure why. I found it hard and sad when the children were little. I wanted to share my lovely children with people I love. ( I don't mean child care , I just mean enjoying each others company, them seeing the children grow, the milestones) this was before video calling . I also spent each school holiday visiting so it was a slog. As the children got into teens it felt easier . I also think I had rose coloured specs on. My sister lived nearby and benefitted but also struggled with that too as relationships not straight forward. It is what it is. Find a routine that works for you but I do understand how you feel.

@lking679

Wondering if any other mums live hundreds of miles away from their maternal family and if you found it lonely with your kids... or what did you do that made it better? DC1 is 3 and DC2 is 10 months. Have mum friends which seems to work out in the week but then our weekends stretch out ahead of us and mum friends tend to be around their own extended families and not available! DH here obviously but otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️. Not sure if things will get busier when DC1 starts school next September!

We don't have this problem we just have both sets of grandparents living within a ten minute drive of us ..and neither of them bother with the kids etc. Don't even pop round and see them we see then for half an hour once every couple of months if that ..they are too busy with their own lives playing golf and going on river cruises , it's just a fact of life and we are used to it . My husband works nights 5 days a week so pretty much only see him for 2 days every week as he sleeps in the day . So I'm always looking after the 3 kids , (9,4 and 5months) . If I was a grandparent I'd certainly be putting more effort in than they do xx

Me and OH do everything between us and I have family 10mins down the road. I’ve always believed if we start taking too much help we’ll get so used to it and perhaps when left to our own devices we would struggle. So we try not to take help unless really needed of course or for emergencies.

We lived in another country from our families. I will admit there were times I would have given anything to be going to my parents for dinner on a Sunday or having them over as I saw my sister and her kids doing. My parents and my MIL would have definitely seen the kids a lot and been lovely and supportive.

what we did was find a babysitter and also make friends with other couples with small children (from nursery and school mostly) and we did things with them over the weekends - in the end we have lovely memories of those weekends - up early, out to the park or the zoo or the beach with a flask of coffee and having a chat.

Nanny 3 days a week. That's how :)

I don’t miss what I don’t know
I like being queen of my own domain tbh
Single parent and no family support
We are a little gang and I love it