Dear all. This is a very personal post and very sensitive, so please be kind. I feel very vulnerable by posting but I really need advice. Some years ago I fell into alcohol dependency following a series of traumatising events. It played a big part in me and the father of my child breaking up, but a huge factor was also what I felt was his lack of support and battling post natal depression. I felt utterly alone, and the break up hit me hard as to me it meant having to give up time with my daughter which was very hard. All of my family live abroad and all of his friends sided with him, so there wasn’t a lot of support apart from a close friend who then was brutally taken from this world by ovarian cancer. I really struggled and hit rock bottom - I felt that I couldn’t confide in anyone out of fear that my daughter would be taken from me. When I turned up to work drunk everything blew up and came out in the open. It was the lowest point of my life. I went into treatment and have now been sober for almost three years. But, for the past three years I’ve also fought a bitter custody battle for my little girl. I did test after test - hair strand, bloods, breathalyser, and never failed anything. When the court saw my efforts they said they could see how hard I’ve worked and that no further evidence would be required, but my ex kept pushing for another test. I felt I had nothing to hide and thought it could also improve our parenting relationship, so I agreed to a further test and my solicitor also asked for a section 7 report to shed light on my ex partners controlling behaviour. He just couldn’t forgive the lies and never could see the progress I had made. This is a difficult one. I do understand how hard this would have been on him. The fear, the worries. But I just wish he would have had a little more empathy, or just accepted some help, maybe therapy to iron out his anger towards me. The guilt and shame that I feel will never go away and is harsher punishment than anyone else could inflict upon me. So that’s what I hold against him. I’ve had such horrible emails from him, his family. And I’ve been judged and put into a category that I will never get out of no matter what I do. The test coincided with returning to work in retail after the first lockdown, where we had to excessively use 80% alcoholic hand sanitizers and sanitising sprays. So when the results came through it couldn’t distinguish between alcohol consumed and alcohol exposure. So I then agreed to wear a scram bracelet around my ankle - I was advised that this would give reliable results and I passed every monthly result over a period of three months. The woman from Cafcass who conducted the section 7 report and I did not get on well. I felt that she completely ignored the issues and instead sided with dad from the very beginning. I know how petty this sounds, but it’s things she said, statements she made before we even had our interview that made me feel very uneasy. She decided that based on the fact that I could relapse at any point, my daughter should live with her dad and I have her every Wednesday and every other weekend. This was so painful for me and I’m still trying to come to terms with this. My daughter (she is eight) and I are very close and we are both really affected by this. Whilst in recovery, I met someone. I never introduced him to my daughter as my priority was to get her back into my life 50/50, but we grew very close and were together for two years. But, he comes from quite a rough background and has a pretty bad criminal record with two domestic assault convictions - drunken arguments with his girlfriend at the time, etc. If you read his record, black on white you would be a bit shocked, but he has completely turned his life around and is the kindest, most loyal, supportive and loving man I have ever been with. However, the courts ruled that he cannot be in my daughters life. Whilst I do understand to some extent, I feel that we both have been judged on the past and no one has cared to look at who we are today and what we have achieved. I felt forced to end the relationship as my ex partner would never increase the minimum contact in the order if he was around. And that’s exactly it - with all the control issues I had to endure he now controls every aspect of my life. I really miss my partner, and my daughter. Her dad has already told her that this is how it will be for the best two years, no extra contact, despite court making a point of this being minimum contact. There is no reasoning with dad. He despises me with such a passion. I understand that his main concern is my daughters safety, but so is mine. I try to look at things from his POV. He doesn’t know my ex-partner and I understand that. I can even just about cope with keeping my life with him separate from my life with my daughter. But I’ve fought so hard, jumped through every hoop, now to have lost my partner and best friend, and seeing my daughter less than ever. I do take responsibility for my actions, but aren’t the last three years of sobriety a start? I feel so hopeless and so alone. I just want to lead a normal life - could really do with some advice.