Hi all, was just looking for some advice re my mother in law and boundaries, if anyone's had a similar experience or if I'm just overreacting.
My relationship with my mother in law has always been tenuous - she was nearly the reason for calling off our wedding as she demanded to be allowed to invite her extended friends/family (it doubled our guest list).
Things have improved vastly since then and we get along relatively amicably.
Unfortunately since our baby was born last week things have become difficult again. On the evening I gave birth (took 2 days of induction with various complications), she asked hubby to let her know when we got home so she could come straight over. I had to gently tell her that I'd need a couple of days to recover first, but then realised that hubby's brother wouldn't be available (he has to drive them) later in the week so when I got home from hospital a day later I agreed they could pop round for a quick visit the next day. She sulked at first but then agreed.
When they came round they brought food and various bits, but then she keeps making little snippet suggestions - am I using this, have I been doing this with him, bombarding me with suggestions which I have to keep politely declining (she has a very old fashioned view to babies and all her advice whilst well meaning is outdated - I'm happy with the antenatal classes I've taken). Problem is she then becomes sullen when I decline her advice.
She also found out that we were going to go shopping together and immediately told me I should not be going as he would get a respiratory infection - I suppose she had a point as I've not had my covid vaccine yet so he has little immunity, but her way of telling me was extremely forthright.
She rang twice over the weekend to ask how the baby was getting on and has also rang hubby the day before at 10pm just as I'd fallen asleep after a sleepless night cluster feeding, which she said was ok because he goes to bed late and had to be told it wasn't because she'd just woken me up. On yesterday's call she asked what time baby went to bed, I said he hasn't got a solid time yet (he's a newborn?! He doesn't even have a fully established routine yet though we are working towards it), and she said ok well we'll come over at x time, didn't even ask if we were free or anything just invited herself round.
I had to politely decline and said we were having dinner soon ( she wanted to come in 3 hours time) but maybe we'd come visit later in the week.
Again, she picked a day without asking and said she'd see us then then was about to ring off! I had to tell her we had plans that day so it would more likely be the day before, as we were having our vaccines so would come after. She immediately said that we'd drop the baby off with her then (presumably because she's panicking again about us taking him in somewhere - we weren't going to, we were going to go in in turn as it's a walk in centre now). I told her the day before that I wasn't expressing yet so he'd have had no food or anything to be left with.
Not only that, this is my first baby; it's not that I'm being possessive but this is all extremely new to me and I just want to be left alone to bond with him. My own mum never asked if she could do anything, only told me that she was at my beck and call should I want her and to only do what I was comfortable with ie letting people hold baby.
Well when MIL came round that day when he was 2 days old, hubby took baby for a nappy change, when came back down he said oh grandma can hold him now, quickly asked if it was ok with me which of course I couldn't say no as would be rude. She sat there holding him for 20 minutes and not only was I utterly exhausted still as we'd only gotten home from hospital the previous night quite late (I was practically falling asleep in front of them - they'd been there over an hour by that point), it was taking all my instincts not to rip her back off him.
In the end I had to tell her I was taking him back as we were both going for a lie down. They still proceeded to stay an extra hour after I'd left.
When I asked hubby why he did that, he said that he knew I'd find it hard to give him up so he did it on purpose to try and break that for me.
We are going to see them today, and I'm absolutely dreading it. Twice I've broken down in sobs in front of hubby - yes it is probably partly hormone influenced and I think he thinks that's all it is - but he just thinks I'm overreacting and should just continue to be firm with her as I have done when she keeps interfering. I just don't want to have to - she should be more understanding. When I told him that it wasn't going to turn into a game of pass the parcel with baby either, his response was "why not?".
Sorry for the long post but aside my own parents I don't have anyone who's been through this before to talk to about it, am I just being an overreactive new mum???