If you are a non-shouting/'gentle' parent to a 3/almost 3-year old..

[leakymcleakleak]

can you tell me how? And how you react to bad behaviour?

DD is nearly 3, and I am 6 months pregnant and before I was pregnant I'm not sure either of us had ever shouted at her. We do a lot of gentle explaining, etc etc, and she was a reasonably chilled toddler. She has v good speech, and is fairly good-humoured but I find myself struggling more and more with parenting the way I want to.

She's displaying lots of entirely developmentally normal boundary pushing behaviour and part of it is me having less patience, but part of it is me genuinely not knowing what to do in certain situations. So: I've read lots of books like the 'how to talk' books and I follow various people on instagram and the advise is all: don't escalate with tantrums, stay calm, model being calm, etc etc. Usually that's ok.

But all these things happened this weekend, I shouted at her in all situations, and I don't know how I should have played it differently:

1. She has been throwing things and we've talked about not throwing things except balls, especially not throwing things indoors as they can break/you can hit things. We were upstairs and went into my office because we spotted a sippy cup that had somehow made its way in there. She was holding it and we were generally chatting and she suddenly threw it really hard so it bounced off a wall very close to my laptop. I yelled 'DD! We DON'T THROW. You know this, you can hurt yourself, and you can break things. If you do this you won't be allowed in mummy's office again.' And she basically hid from me as soon as she did it and wouldn't say sorry.

2. She threw a spoon covered in fish (yay) at me as she finished her lunch: she showed she was about to 'mummy you have this! 1, 2,..." and I said something like 'No no, don't throw that, we've just cleaned up, hand it to me but I'll be very cross if you throw it' (over a 3 minute lead up but I was clear and calm that she wasn't to throw it and she purposefully said '1 2 3 and threw it across the room, and got v smelly fish everywhere. And I entirely pointlessly said in a really cross voice 'DD we just cleaned up, you KNEW you weren't supposed to do that, I told you not to, the more time mummy and daddy spend cleaning up the less time we have to play with you.' And again, she didn't really say anything, but later when I tried to talk to her about it she said she doesn't like when grown ups shout.

She also now can throw massive tantrums when we have to turn off paw patrol, leave granny and grandads, and when I pick her up from nursery with the wrong snack etc etc. (We always agree there will be one more episode, then say 'its nearly over' and she agrees, then says 'No I said I wanted 3 more' and tried to backtrack) Normally we just try to distract, but she is getting older, and both its not working as well and I feel maybe she should just be accepting things don't always go her way.

Basically she's incredibly strong, and I can't just pick her up - my husband is incredibly hands on, everything is 50/50, he's having some of the same frustrations but a) I think he's just better at keeping his cool recently and b) in situations that are dangerous/difficult he can still pick her up and put her in her car seat/lift her down from the step by the sink if she's messing with the water instead of washing her hands/grab her and hold her safely if we're outside nursery and she looks like she's about to run the wrong direction because I forgot to bring a banana.

I just feel stuck. I overheard a neighbour shouting at his kids this morning, they're slightly older, and it was just SO ineffectual and pointless and clear the kids weren't responding to it at all. I don't want to be a shouty parent and I'm really worried about what things will be like when there's a newborn in the mix.

Does anyone have any suggestions, esp for the 'immediate danger/necessity/about to do something that will break or damage things' situations where you can't use physical force and reasoning isn't doing anything?

Your responses are too long. Keep it short and simple. My eldest is 3.5 and its this age I think.

If mine throw things and it makes a mess he has to clean it. It's not a fight though, I say firmly 'look, you'll have to clean it up.' Hand him cloth/brush whatever. Puts him off doing it.

Tantrums, distraction tends to work for mine, though I can see you're doing that. Or offer a cuddle (though I got flamed on here for cuddling my child during tantrum. He is very cuddly and this often is exactly what he wants)

In the situation you're trying to leave, how would your daughter react if you said OK well I'm going home now, I think you should come with me. and start to leave?

My little one is 3 months old, I assure you I'm in the same boat. Never shouted at my boy till about 6 months ago and have done sometimes now because it's so damn hard. Lack of sleep, his testing age, and that he now wakes the baby every bloody time he tries to sleep and I just get a day of wailing and moaning from them both.

But I've been doing my best to keep calm...it's so hard

@Screwcorona

Your responses are too long. Keep it short and simple. My eldest is 3.5 and its this age I think.

If mine throw things and it makes a mess he has to clean it. It's not a fight though, I say firmly 'look, you'll have to clean it up.' Hand him cloth/brush whatever. Puts him off doing it.

Tantrums, distraction tends to work for mine, though I can see you're doing that. Or offer a cuddle (though I got flamed on here for cuddling my child during tantrum. He is very cuddly and this often is exactly what he wants)

In the situation you're trying to leave, how would your daughter react if you said OK well I'm going home now, I think you should come with me. and start to leave?

If I said I was going home and started to leave, she'd continue with what she's doing. Or possibly run in the opposite direction. I think a lot of the issue I'm having at the moment is she's too big/I'm too pregnant to be able to fully follow through: she didn't want to come home with me after a nursery pick up because I had no banana, I said 'ok well I need you to come to the car' she said no 'I said ok we really need to go now' and she ran in the other direction. I had to pick her up but I'm really physically at my limit with doing it, and I had to bribe her to get her in the car seat which I know if awful but it was a safety issue and I honestly couldn't impose force, and I think she knows that.

If I got her to clean up, she just wouldn't. I think this is my issue: I can distract, I can jolly, I can ignore. But I can't 'make' her do things, and whereas once she was small enough that I could say 'ok you don't want to leave but we have to so I'm picking you up now' its not an option.

I work as a nanny, mostly with toddlers and preschoolers, and I make a point of never raising my voice or shouting unless they are doing something dangerous i.e.about to run into the road or undoing their car seat straps, in that situation hearing you shout really makes them stop and realise that you are serious.

Normally, talking in a quiet, calm voice is far more effective than shouting, and also, reducing what you say, don't explain things over and over. A book called "123 magic" is great at explaining this.

In the kitchen example you gave, instead of reasoning with her about why she shouldn't throw the spoon, I would have said something along the lines of "oh, it looks like you've finished, would you go scrape your plate in the bin and pop it in the sink/dishwasher", sort of nipping the idea of throwing in the bud and giving her something constructive to do instead.

Coming home from nursery is tricky at this age as they are often tired out. Can you have two choices of snack in the car and she gets to choose one when she's strapped in?

With toddlers and preschoolers, a lot of tantrum behaviour comes from the fact that they have very little control over anything in their life. Allowing them some degree of control, within safe boundaries, allowing them to make choices and be as independent as possible can really help with improving their behaviour. "The Montessori Toddler" is a really helpful book to read and one I refer to a lot.