To find parenting and adult life difficult :-(

[Ccoffee217]

Hi all, I just want to get an idea whether I am simply depressed (have suffered with depression and PND in the past but okay-ish at the moment) or whether I need to toughen up and start trying to see the positives a bit more..?
DS is 21 months old, he’s very energetic and likes to have fun, but he’s also very moany, screamy, whiny, a fussy eater and difficult to entertain. I think I have found every single month of his life difficult in one way or another and I constantly have this thought in the back of my mind “it’ll be easier when..” but it just hasn’t got easier yet. He goes to nursery 3 days whilst I work, but I find the 2 days we have off without DH a complete grind and like I can only sit with him, he won’t let me get on with anything.
So then when I do get a break from him, e.g evenings/weekends I feel pressure to get housework done.

I really miss going out for evening meals, spending time in the day with husband just the 2 of us, and feeling less relied upon.

We definitely want a second DC but right now saying when DS is 3-4 because I can’t imagine how hard it would be dealing with any less of a gap.

Anyone else feel like it’s all a bit of a drag sometimes? ☹️

Yes - I very much miss the ease and freedom of life before DC. Very similar situation to you, except I work full time and DP does the two days at home with DC.

What makes you want another one, though? Especially with a large gap?

I think I want another purely so DS isn’t an only child, also I feel I would regret not having another where I’m 30 now so is DH and he also wants a family of 4.
The 3-4 year gap would work well in terms of the funded childcare and I’m just hoping by that point DS will be slightly easier/out of nappies etc.

It’s nice to know you have a similar situation, does your DH find it hard to entertain on his 2 days off? X

Ive come to realise it is mostly a grind when they are small. A good amount of amazing, wonderful bits but lots of monotony and survival. Do you get out of the house much? My DS is a bit younger than yours but, when I have him on my own, I find lots of hours outside in the park/play area the best way to stop the whingey, fussy behaviour (which my DS is also very prone to) and it generally seems to improve his appetite. If not outside toddler groups and soft play are good alternatives. Days we spend lots of hours in the house are the worst and he’s a nightmare by the afternoon.

How much housekeeping are you doing for it to consume evenings and weekends? Lower your standards if I were you. Do enough to get by until your DS is older. Can you afford a cleaner?

I felt the same with my first and also wanted a second without a small gap

You’re not alone
It does get better

We had a second when first child was 3 and it’s the perfect gap.
I don’t feel the grind as much this time around and I think it’s because they both entertain each other a bit when I want to get on with jobs on the 2 days off I have in the week

Firstborn will be starting school next month so it will be a bit different when I’m back to being on my own with a young toddler again but I’m also looking forward to it a bit now.
It’s different the second time

Also a 3-4 year age gap is fine. I would probably be happy to stop at one but I know DH would like 2. He’s incredible so I suspect we probably will have 2 eventually. But I won’t even humour it until DS gets his free hours at nursery. I know lots of people have a small gap and find the first year or two are very hard but then it pays off and it’s ++ easy, but I just don’t have the capacity for that. I want some baby free time in between.

I think age 3 is a game changer. Mine started at school nursery every day, he could play with a friend in his room, he started to really play with other children and not just me, he was out of nappies.

In all honesty, days I was at work were easier than days at home when mine were toddlers. It really does get better. My oldest, who was incredibly high maintenance as a toddler, will now take himself off to his room and read quietly for some time. Hang in there.

I think expectations are crucial here - don’t put pressure on yourself to do anything
I can only sit with him, he won’t let me get on with anything.
This is absolutely fine - I also think arranging to do something each day helps, meeting a friend for a walk or coffee so that you have adult company to talk to makes the day go much quicker!

Another one a bit confused about the desire for a second. If you find one a grind, which is completely understandable, two will be infinitely harder. It’s all very well your husband wanting a family of four but he hasn’t reduced his working hours to actually parent alone has he? Can you do four days work each and share the childcare more evenly? That’s what my husband and I have always done and it works great. There aren’t nearly as many reasons why men can’t do that as a lot of them would have you believe. Honestly I would find two full days per week alone looking after my two a bit much. The balance of weekends as family time plus a day of childcare in the week each and three days of nursery for the kids works well for all of us.

We have one son. It's the perfect number. Honestly if you find one hard two will be even harder.

Hi OP, my DS is just about one, so younger than yours, but I do feel like this sometimes, mainly just that it can be a bit relentless with the cycle of feeding and naps and things. I find on my days off with my DS I have to have something planned to get us both out of the house or we’re both climbing the walls by 3pm! It’s hard to say wether you’re depressed, although I find it hard some days and I’m tired, I do find lots of joy in my time with him and laugh a lot in the day, I am generally happy if a bit overwhelmed sometimes. When DS was sleeping very poorly I did tip into depression triggered by sleep deprivation, I couldn’t see the joy or point in anything and just wanted to be alone. Do you feel like you are able to feel positive emotions as well? Sending a big hug x

Oh it's absolutely relentless! I'm lucky that DS has always been into helping so he loads the washing machine for me, helps put away his bowls etc so I can get basic housework done round him but anything slightly more ambitious like cleaning the bathroom or ironing has to wait till the weekends or evening. I just used to go out every day at that age because the constant having to interact drove me nuts. Much better once he got to about 2.5 and could play independently more.

Anyone who could babysit so you could have an evening with DH? Or could you both have a day off on a nursery day so you could have a day together?

And don't forget, you've done this early stage at a really difficult time - no baby groups or classes for months on end, limited options in terms of shopping/cafes, being stuck in a lot. It's made it difficult in so many ways so cut yourself some slack.

Thanks everyone for your replies 😀
I guess it is just the age he’s at, so I’m now thinking somewhere between 2 and 3 years old might be better.
I’d love DH to work 4 days and me work 4 but he earns much more than I do and it only makes sense for me to pick up the slack with the childcare.
I think I do need to make more of an effort to get out the house more, and I used to, but found even going to the park never really fulfilled my DS for very long and we end up only saying for 20 mins.
We see our NCT friends every other week or so which is nice so maybe I should up that.

In terms of housework I actually don’t end up doing very much, just the basic washing and drying, hoovering and cleaning the loos. I used to be a clean freak but for obvious reasons can’t fit it in anymore, and I guess don’t really want to now priorities have changed. I guess it’s just more feeling that I should be using my spare time to clean etc!

Good to know others like the idea of a 3 year gap as well! Right now I can’t handle the thought of another child but im hoping DS will become so lovely and sweet (maybe!?) that it’ll fool me into wanting another…? Similarly to how we forget how awful giving birth is 😂

I’d love DH to work 4 days and me work 4 but he earns much more than I do and it only makes sense for me to pick up the slack with the childcare.

But you’re not happy, so IMO it doesn’t make sense at all. Obviously you know the details of your situation and fair enough but just to point out, the wage gap will only grow now you’ve gone part time and your husband has carried on unaffected. It might close if you took a different path. My husband earns more than me so on paper we’re better off if he works full time and me three days but we have chosen to keep things even for many other reasons. Since having children I’ve had two promotions which I wouldn’t have got nearly as quickly, maybe at all, if I’d dropped to three days. As a result our wage gap is closing rapidly. There’s a big difference between three days and four when it comes to career opportunities and how you’re perceived at work. I’m not trying to be pushy and tell you that you must do things just like me (!) but constantly reading quotes like the above on MN depresses me beyond belief. It’s one thing if the mum actually likes taking the hit and having the time with their child but you’re so unhappy you’re posting on here about it, yet it still ‘makes sense’. To who?