Sad - DS 12 - says he doesn't want friends

[christywhisty]

DS has always had friends,He was never the most popular boy, but always had a group to play with. In year 6 he did change his group of friends and has ended up going to secondary school with 2 of them this September.
They have started picking on him and playing tricks on him on the way to school, calling him names etc, so he has fallen out with them. Unfortunately that group of friends are also at his Scout Group and the 2 boys have now turned some of the others against him.

His does not seem to have made any new friends at school. Have spoken to his form teacher who says he is a very mature boy (not sure what that is teacher speak for) and he should join lots of the clubs and will make friends that way. He does go to a club 2 or 3 lunchtimes a week. The other times I think he goes to the computer room.

After another unhappy scouts night which he used to love, I asked if he wanted to change packs and he does.
We have also offered to take out a few children from his class, but he says he doesn't want to.
Tonight he said he doesn't want friends because "they get in the way".

I think he has been really hurt by the way his old friends have treated, that he would rather be by himself than get hurt again.

Really not sure where to take this next.

Unfortunately school is 5 miles away and most of the children live in the opposite direction, so not so easy to get to know the children outside of school.
Other than that it is a lovely school and he is getting on brilliantly there. His teacher and the head of lower school are really pleased with him. I don't think any of the children at the school other than his ex friends are being horrible to him or anything like that and he seems quite willing to go to school.

It's such a difficult age, friendship wise.

the advice my mum gave to me at that age, when it seemed like I had no friends and never would have, is that you should approach someone sitting on their own and ask to borrow something. The next time you are in a lesson with them, ask if they want to come sit next to you. I made one of my oldest friends that way.

It is a difficult age. But if your DS is both reasonably happy and described as 'mature' he might feel that he is biding his time till he is old enough to find people he has more in common with than the other people at school. ANd he might find that being persuaded or nagged to socialise with schoolfellows that he doesn;t feel he has much in common with is a waste of his time.
IS he allowed interntet access? Might it be good for him to find sites that deal with his particular hobbies or interests? I think the difficulty with trying to foster friendships among kids who have fallen out is that it makes the excluded one feel worse, feel condescended to, or 'they are only being nice to me because they have to'.
FWIW kids who feel they don't fit in at school etc often blossom like mad when they get into a different environment with a wider choice of potential friends.

christy, i remember having friend problems myself when i was about that age. Just knowing that my mum and dad loved me, and thought that i was a great, kind, caring person and "how could anyone not be friends with you!" artitude really helped me, even on a rough day at school i knew home wasn't far away. my parents encouraged me to join clubs etc saying "you always find it easy to make friends" and guess what? i did. Confidence in myself improved and problems at school stopped. I'm sure you're doing a great job looking out for him, and be sure that it will pass. i just hope it's not too long - for both of you

Oh, cw, I am so for your DS and you.

FWIW, my DS2 was a lot like yours at primary school. He then went on to secondary with a group of half a dozen, in 2 different classes; he was most friendly with one of those in his own class, but also initially with some of the new ones.

After a few months in Y7 he fell out, big time, with the one from primary and a couple of others, and for quite a while was really knocked back by it; he didn't have much of a social life, they did bully him a bit at school, and he was quiet and sad. He also became naughty and disruptive at school - doesn't sound as if your DS is going down that road at least, which is something.

Anyway over a period of months the new ex-friend (not the one from primary school), who was the ringleader of the nastiness, became less and less popular himself (a cocky little toerag ) and DS2 pulled himself together with a combination of some new, better friends and some help from school.

He is in Y10 now and has been fine at school since about the middle of Y8 (and is much more popular than the toerag now ). I think Y7 is a time for sorting out and shaking down, and your DS will find new friends who are better friends to him than the old ones were - mine was officially best mates, in the autumn term, with the one in his own class from his old school who later turned on him; none of his current group of friends are from his old primary school.

I wouldn't try to push your DS into new friendships; I know it's horrible to see him so unhappy but from what you've heard from school he is doing OK there. I would change his scout group though, if there is another one you can get him into easily. I would also mention specifically to his form tutor, if you haven't already, that he has been/is being picked on by these boys - just so that they know about it and are on the lookout for anything flaring up.

He will make new friends. Good luck

Oh, and we live very close to school (a 10-minute walk) but the school takes children in from a radius of 10 miles or so; none of his new friends lives within walking distance, they are all from outlying villages and towns, which was a problem before but now they are 14-15 they can meet up and go out together on the train.

christy, have just read this and had to respond. My ds went through something similar at this age, so I think it IS an age thing. My ds was also 'ahead' of many of his peers emotionally, and he went through a phase of actively saying 'I don't need friends' which I think was his way of telling us he felt he had nothing in common with his peers. One thing which helped a lot was internet access, which someone mentioned above. He chatted to people who he DID feel he had something in common with, and I guess because there wasnt the intensity of face to face contact, he found it easier. It's SO tough at the time, but my ds found it got easier as he got older and his peers seemed to catch up.

Thanks everyone for such lovely replies. We were away at the weekend and have only just caught up.

I think that we as parents probably get more upset about it than the DCs do, because we want them to be happy.

How he is still going I don't know, because I have written elsewhere on the boards that he got mugged/attacked by a boy (who he didn't know) from another school 3 times about a month ago, so he has had this to cope with as well.

He does use the internet (too much sometimes)and goes to chess, science club, and eco club at school.

Unfortunately all his social life has these boys around. I will change scouts and maybe see if I can get him into something else like karate. He already goes swimming outside school but won't go at school because of his ex friends go everyday.

He is going to Germany for an over night trip with the school next week, so hopefully he might be able to do some bonding then.

oh your poor boy . i really hope things improve for him. At least you know that you have a thoughtful, well behaved, sensitive boy who would not dream of doing to others what they have done to him. You should be very proud of him. I would be. Good luck, let us know how the school trip goes.

Christy it sounds as though your ds is more socially mature than his immediate peers and is bright academically (you say he is doing well in schoolwork).

Those things are often enough for other less able children to pick on

You are doing all the right things, supporting him emotionally etc. It will get better, he will find another level of friends and the immature ones will be left behind eventually.

He is very bright. He has been told he will be in the gifted and talented group when they start it up, but so will the boy who is causing most of the problems, so being clever isn't the reason he is being picked on.

Think it is because they've gone from being big fish in a little pond, to tidlers in a big sea and they are trying to get a bit of that power back. He is dyslexic so although he is a clever boy, kids calling him stupid and an idiot probably touches a sensitive point and hurt more than others who would probably brush it off.
DS is not a saint, he is one of those people who store things up, will take so much but then will suddenly explode.