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Original poster

Partner takes over when kids are ill

10 replies

crikey456 · 20/08/2021 22:57

Me and my partner have 2 kids (aged 1&4). Every time either of them has been ill he will completely take over looking after them.

If one of them is sick, he will let me know so that I can clean the sick up and then he will hold the baby/oldest one for hours, kissing and cuddling them, comforting them. He is such a good Dad but I feel like a spare part stood there. If one of them is crying because they've hurt themselves and I pick them up, he rushes over and a few times I have seen him go to put his arms out to take them off me. I've just turned away but he stands there stroking them until he can have his cuddle.

He is a very loving person & he grew up in a very caring family. His Mum cared for his Dad for 8 years before he died of Cancer, she visits everyone she knows who it poorly to give them dinners, bring shopping to them etc. She has always looked after everyone around her. When my partner was ill and had to go to hospital his Mum completely took over and drove to hospital most days (2 hours away) and never once offered me a lift. She did say sorry and did I mind that she was sorting everything out. I'm guessing this is where it stems from.

I come from a family that were the polar opposite. Quite selfish & if we were ill, we just got on with it. Threw up in the sick bowl a few times and sorted ourselves out. No cuddling for hours etc. I am not as naturally caring as him (probably for this reason), but I obviously hold them and look after them but he just gives me no opportunity to care for them when they are ill.

He is a very good person, treats me really well & would do anything for our family but I just don't get it. It makes me feel as though he thinks I'm not capable of looking after them when they are ill. Any advice?

OP posts:
cheesecrackerz · 20/08/2021 23:00

Tell him how you feel perhaps?!

If, as you say, he is a very good person, treats you really well and would do anything for your family, he wouldn't want you to feel upset about this

autumnboys · 20/08/2021 23:05

My husband and I have completely opposite approaches to being ill. I like to be checked on and offered drugs/hot water bottle/a drink/dry biscuits and generally pandered to. He prefers to be left alone. For many years we applied our own preferred methods to one another and it was…..not great. Eventually, we worked it out. Try and have a chat about your different approaches, affirm one another’s preferences and talk about how you’ll deal with sick kids going forward. Marriage and parenting are full of negotiation and learning about oneanother. Flowers

ParentingDilemmas · 20/08/2021 23:22

Honestly, lucky you! I would let him, don’t take it personal, he’s maybe more of a nurturer by nature.

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Chelyanne · 21/08/2021 02:41

Let's you know there's sick to be cleaned and then comforts the child(ren) for hours?! He needs to do his fair share of cleaning it up and allowing you to comfort the child(ren).
Tell him he needs to back off sometimes, if you've already started to sort a child he should let you get on with it.

Marty13 · 21/08/2021 03:24

Yeah the "calls me to clean up" part jumped out at me too. He can bloody well clean it himself.

It's great that he's a hands on dad but he needs to give you some space as well. Next time he just "stands there till he has his cuddle" tell him that you've got it, thanks.

I think a conversation is needed.

Voicefancier · 21/08/2021 03:41

Heck, I'd happily clean up a bit of sick if it meant I didn't have to cuddle them for hours on end. Sounds like you're onto a winner there! There'd be no convo needed at our house!

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 21/08/2021 04:16

My husband is very nurturing too. Once when a dog bit my DD aged 3 when we were out for a walk (she was fine it only got the back of her dress) he came and picked her up and took her back to work with him so he could look at her for the rest of the day.
Just try and look at it as a positive thing for your children and pat yourself on the back for choosing a lovely father for them. It's really not a judgement on you.

Blippibloppi · 21/08/2021 06:59

Having been up half the night with my two I'd absolutely bloody love it if my husband would a) take over a bit and b) the kids would let him.

He needs to clean up the sick too though. Have a chat with him and tell him how it makes you feel.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/08/2021 08:54

Sitting cuddling kids for hours and taking them to work to stare at them because a dog bit their clothes? Wtf have I just read.

No wonder we have a mental health crisis in younger generations if this is how they are being taught to deal with difficult situationsConfused

ManicPixie · 21/08/2021 08:59

Lucky you, frankly. I’m sure many reading this would envy a husband taking care of sick child for hours straight.

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