Overbearing mother in law

[Dotty08]

Hey everyone,
I’m looking for any help or advice. I’m 8 months pregnant and as the birth gets closer I’m worried about my mother in law taking over once baby girl arrives.
She treats her own children like they’re still children even though they’re in their late 20’s / early 30’s. This is totally different from my own parents, once I reached my teenage years we had open discussions where my opinion was taken on board and we could disagree and talk things out because of this I’m pretty independent. I have a great relationship with them, they’re very laid back people.
My husband and his mum have a totally different dynamic. She always wants to be in control of everything.
She gives her opinion on everything even when not asked and if he doesn’t do exactly what she says when she gives advice she goes moody and won’t speak to us for a few days then it’s never spoken about again which I find frustrating but as this is the dynamic he has I don’t want to look like a trouble causer by addressing issues.
From us getting together she’s always made me feel like I’m not good enough. Since we moved in together I invited his parents for dinner once a week, I never want to not be close to them even though she makes it so hard. Anyway she would come over and immediately start taking over in the kitchen, I’d ask politely for her to go and sit down and she tells me to sit down! In the end I stopped inviting them as it really upsets me her need to control. She makes remarks about my body as I’m quite petite she’ll comment on my weight a lot. She never asks before she comes over she just turns up at our house and let’s herself in if the door is unlocked she constantly asks for a key which I will not let my husband give to her.
Anyway going off track a little I just wanted you to have a picture of what she’s like: so husband and me struggled to conceive for 6 long years. We have finally and we are so happy we could burst. We had a heart break during the pregnancy finding out our baby has a birth defect and is going to need surgery as soon as possible after birth.

Firstly mother in law is acting as though this is something we’ve asked for. She’s very upset that baby will be in NICU after birth and she won’t be able to see them straight away; as though this is something that we have done on purpose.
She has made a room for baby at her home without asking when I will feel comfortable for baby to stay over with her. She’s bought a cot and everything. Even if my child didn’t need surgery I can’t see me wanting to let them stay out for a long time but with the added stress and upset that my baby is going to be away from me from birth I know I’m going to want her so close as soon as she’s well enough. I don’t think I’ll want her out of my sight for a long time. I want to breast feed too so baby will need to be with me.
She also keeps saying how she’ll come over to bath baby and put her to bed every night. It’s all just too much! I’m very worried.

I’ve tried to talk to my husband about this to establish some boundaries but he just says she’s only joking or brushes it off and tells me not to worry. I am so worried though as I said she is a complete control freak and I feel like she’s going to try to take over the whole time.

Does anyone have any advice at all?

Well I had one like this and I haven't seen her since my eldest daughter was 6 weeks old. It all blew up horribly and I basically told her to fuck off forever. She's only met the eldest 3 times and the youngest, never.

My DH was on side though and hated it as much as me. I think he tried to brush it off too for a while as her just being excited but when the baby was actually here he realised how batshit she truly was.

You have waited a long time for this baby, do not let her ruin it. Of course she's allowed to be excited but of all the things you should be thinking about at 8 months pregnant with a complicated pregnancy, worrying about your MIL taking your baby off you should not be one. You need to make it clear to your husband how much this is affecting you and when she says such shite as 'i'll come round every night to put the baby to bed' he needs to respond with a calm 'that won't be happening Mum'. Every time.

The nursery and cot at her house, well it's her money, she's an idiot for doing that without your input.

My mil's criticism and pushiness led to my PNA and PND, I'll never forgive her. I really wish I'd put a stop to it as soon as it became clear it was going to be an issue (telling me when I was pregnant that she was going to be having the baby overnight from the start, and when I replied that that wouldn't be possible as I'd be breastfeeding, telling me to 'just put some milk in a bottle then, she needs me, not you' ).

Your DH needs to be dealing with this by pulling her up on any poor behaviour and setting boundaries now where the baby's concerned so she KNOWS what is/ is not acceptable to you both.

Wow! I’m so sorry you had a mil just like me, but then also really glad I’m not alone in this.

‘She needs you not me?!’ I’m pretty sure she needs her mum not a demented grandmother.

I’m so sorry you had that massive blow up when you should have been enjoying your baby girl but it sounds like it was for the best as I bet you have a much less stressful life now she’s not part of it.

I long to not have my mil as part of my life and I feel awful saying it but I’ve tried so hard with this woman and she just isn’t having it. She’s only started to be pretend nice to me since I’ve been pregnant before that she never even bothered with me really which actually was preferable to this! Everything is very much about how things affect her rather than anyone else. Does she think I want to have a poorly baby?

Like you said this shouldn’t be something I’m worried about. Thank you for your post its really given me some confidence to address the issue. You’re so right. I have waited so long to this and I just want to enjoy every second and not have this to worry about.

I’m going to speak with my dh and address this before baby arrives, I don’t want this hanging over us.

Thank you again x

My parents in law started to call over unannounced after our baby was born - said they were “passing through” which was untrue as they live the other side of town! After the third time, I had to get my husband to call his mother and ask that they give us notice. Twice I had been expressing in the living room (I refused to go out to them) and another they were annoyed that I wouldn’t wake the baby up as I had spent ages settling him. I know they weren’t impressed as his father said to his sister “oh we need an invite to go to your brothers”. But I honestly don’t care, it’s made life so much easier. I would not accept my MIL coming over every evening either

I hope your husband can talk to his mother for you and I hope your baby makes a speedy recovery once born and the surgery done ❤️

@ReggaetonLente

Well I had one like this and I haven't seen her since my eldest daughter was 6 weeks old. It all blew up horribly and I basically told her to fuck off forever. She's only met the eldest 3 times and the youngest, never.

My DH was on side though and hated it as much as me. I think he tried to brush it off too for a while as her just being excited but when the baby was actually here he realised how batshit she truly was.

You have waited a long time for this baby, do not let her ruin it. Of course she's allowed to be excited but of all the things you should be thinking about at 8 months pregnant with a complicated pregnancy, worrying about your MIL taking your baby off you should not be one. You need to make it clear to your husband how much this is affecting you and when she says such shite as 'i'll come round every night to put the baby to bed' he needs to respond with a calm 'that won't be happening Mum'. Every time.

The nursery and cot at her house, well it's her money, she's an idiot for doing that without your input.

My mil's criticism and pushiness led to my PNA and PND, I'll never forgive her. I really wish I'd put a stop to it as soon as it became clear it was going to be an issue (telling me when I was pregnant that she was going to be having the baby overnight from the start, and when I replied that that wouldn't be possible as I'd be breastfeeding, telling me to 'just put some milk in a bottle then, she needs me, not you' ).

"She needs me not you"

I think I'd have absolutely flattened her if she'd said this to me. I'm so sorry you had to put up with a woman like that.

I'm glad I don't have to deal with her any more for sure! But our big blow up marred a really special time in our lives, took up a lot of energy that I didn't have, and for DH's sake I wish things could be different. I don't regret standing up to her, I just wish we didn't let things go as far as we did, and I wish it had been done in a calmer way.

You sound lovely, and like you have been more than fair. If your DH is a decent guy (and I'm assuming he is because you married him!) he'd surely be horrified that the mother of his child was having to ask for help on Mumsnet as she was so worried about how his mother would treat her after the birth of their baby. You shouldn't have to deal with this, I think you are totally right to bring it up with your DH, you are definitely not alone, there are a few of us on here with such stories! But we've all got through it and found our way, in different ways.

Your baby girl is lucky to have such a strong mummy

Talk to DH, work out what you're ok with and what you're not, and every time MIL says or does something that goes against what you both want he needs to clearly and calmly shut her down. It'll be hard but he has a responsibility to you and your daughter to protect you both.

You need to just lose your shit at people like this, polite request and conversation will just be trampled all over and they will bulldoze your boundaries. I had an aunt like this, the only peace I got was (after years of trying to politely make her back off) was to lose it and go NC. My life is so much better and more peaceful for it! Good luck.

I think you need to be very blunt and then refuse to discuss it.

So, when she says she will be coming over every night for bath and bed time just reply 'no you won't, this is our baby not yours' and then change the subject. It will not go well but subtle is a challenge to people like this.

Hi, OP

I tend to avoid my MIL and she's over 5000 away. She has a controlling nature and in my culture its expected that in laws have a say in decisions that their son and daughter in laws make, even overriding what they decide.

I don't live my life like this, l had to tell my husband l won't be told what to do by them.

My MIL was trying to force me to breastfeed and really contributed to my PND, she also asked me so many inappropriate questions during my pregnancy and has always given unsolicited advice.

My advice is to be absolutely clear with your husband that he needs to tell his mum that you won't be doing that things that she has suggested.

Don't let him brush off your concerns. I told me husband l wouldn't have any relationship with his parents if they continued to be so interfering.

Maybe your husband needs an ultimatum.

Stray strong

Stay **

I can say my mother and dad was like this (still are from time to time) , and they very critical how I care for my baby. I have snapped quite a few times at them simply because I come to end of my tether. If you don't mind snapping then you will have to snap. If not speak to her before.

They critises even to the how I put my baby to sleep with pink noise. They can't stand it. I simply say now, mum/dad you know why I'm not going to repeat myself again and again and every baby is different - I say I know I fell asleep without prompting well my baby doesn't.

My mum said she would look after my baby. That was met with a simple no. End of conversation.

Power through and be strong 💪 she is your baby and you need firm rules/guidance in place.

I was in hospital for about a week when LO was born and they went on and on about how they couldn't see me. I was sleep deprived and quite unwell (we both had severe infections) and simply shouted at her and it got to the point my OH had to intervene x

Oh and couple times they popped round as they were in the neighbour hood.... Yeah I don't answer the door and said I was asleep. They learnt pretty quick 🤷🏼‍♀️ sounds mean but I couldn't handle much when LO was home initially x

Definitely push your DH to set firm boundaries now. You don't sound remotely unreasonable so don't feel forced to say yes to things if you don't want to. What happens in the first month or two is likely to set the path going forwards.

My DD will never spend the night at grandparents. She doesn't need to, and I don't want her to. I'd have laughed out loud if either set created a room for her. Literally no one separates me and my daughter against my will. I'm not massively overprotective or strict, DD is one now and we've had RSV and a vomiting bug at the same time, with DH also coming down with the vomiting bug. I still don't want to send her elsewhere for a break.

My PIL no where near as bad as yours but I made the boundaries very clear once baby is here it’s a lot easier to vocalise what’s best for baby and although it’s getting worse now 14 months down the line the first 6 months they weren’t too bad. Breastfeeding also definitely helped if they were over and I needed to feed id pop upstairs to the nursery for half an hour! Also meant no overnight visits which I’ve stuck to as there is no need for little one to stay away from me or DH overnight.

She sounds like a nightmare and I would be seeing her as little as possible. Hopefully your DH is on side and you can make some clear boundaries with her.

Tell them you intend to bf for at least 2 years....

You have to stop being subtle, that's all their is to it. You are going to have to be hard as nails and never cave in to her tantrums and pressure. You are the mother, not her, and she needs to be constantly reminded of that. If she refuses to rein it in, she will no longer hold a place in your life. The choice is hers.

When I had my first DC my PIL were so overbearing that all I wanted to do was rent a cottage somewhere and get as far away from them as possible!!! In the end I disconnected the phone and refused to have visitors but it was already too late, the damage was done. The impact of those first months are still present now, 5 years later. I am now separated and most of my anger at the whole situation is directed at my PIL and the stress they caused us. It is up to your DH to make it clear from the start. Remember he’s used to how she is, so he will find it pretty easy to brush her behaviour off. You need to make sure he understands how important it is that he doesn’t just brush this off, you’re going to be exhausted, sleep deprived, hormonal, emotional, overwhelmed after the birth let alone anxious about the surgery. Let him know that this situation is causing you anxiety and post birth that so easily leads to PND. Also maybe have some kind of secret word you can use when it’s getting too much and you need him to intervene, or make an excuse to leave, etc. That doesn’t just need to be with your MIL, it could be any visitors. I wish you all the best, in a way it’s good you can see before the birth that you need to set boundaries, I was oblivious and had really got on with my PIL but as soon as DD was born it turned into a nightmare and I was so overwhelmed by having to keep a baby alive I didn’t know how to stop it!