Feel like a bad mum

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I have a 5 week old and a 3 year old and my husband is currently away for a fortnight with work. I'm expressing too as haven't been able to establish breastfeeding so have a lot on my plate right now.

I've just had a big old cry as I feel like I'm being a terrible mum to my 3 yo dd1. This morning, after a long night with DD2 my elder dd climbed into my bed at 6.30am. I just let her watch CBeebies on my iPad until 8 while I dozed with dd2 rather than get up as I was so tired. Then, after breakfast and a bit of colouring and drawing I let her watch the whole of jungle
Book. So that's already 3 1/2 hours of tv. She then started playing up as was clearly bored so I took both girls to the local garden centre /mini playground for a couple of hours. She was great there but really didn't want to leave and had a meltdown on the way home and asked me whether I like her anymore. I told her of course I do and how much I love her and how special she is and what a brilliant big sister she has been etc.

I just feel that I can't devote quality time to her at the moment with my newborn and trying to feed her and it's making me feel so awful and guilty. I don't want her to be a TV zombie but it's so hard trying to juggle things at the moment. I'm just really struggling and want to be the best mum I can be. It makes it harder that my mum died in December so I don't have that maternal support.

Didn't want to read and run OP..

You aren't a bad mum, and juggling 2 small kids this soon after birth is difficult without your DH there to help.

It's a big life change for your older DD, but I think what you said was great, and screen time wont kill her off. Not ideal, but then again, if it helps you get through the day... go for it at the moment.

Maybe once your DH is home, you can both have one on one time with your elder DD and reassure her

Oh bless you it's so hard! I have two with the same age gap (now older) and also lost my mum the year before dc2 was born (so still grieving really).

5 weeks is tiny and you must be exhausted. Please remember your children are safe, warm, fed and loved and that's all that matters. I know it's hard when you're sleep deprived but try and think of the positives...

You took your children to the garden centre / park, did some colouring in, watched a film and reassured your 3yo when she was upset AND told her how much you love her and how brilliant she is. That sounds like a good day to me!

Honestly it feels hard because it is hard. You won't be able to devote lots of 1:1 time to either for a little while yet, but it WILL happen and you'll both appreciate it more when it does

Hang on in there

It sounds to me like you are doing amazingly well. You need to lower your standards and accept that the older child will have lots of screen time as you all adjust . Go easy on her and enjoy

OP it sounds like you are doing a great job with your dc.

To manage two dc, DH away and your mum passed away.

I know how hard expressing milk is on top of baby care and you have a toddler as well.

You need to be much kinder on yourself.

Hey OP, the first few months are really hard aren't they ? And the sleepless nights are a killer.

I'm very much anti TV for kids, but there are emergencies and situations where it's clearly the lesser of two evils. It's not what you did one day that counts, it's what you do over weeks, months and years.

Leaving your daughter in front of TV for hours every single day wouldn't be great ; doing it a few times because you're alone and exhausted with a new born ? I wouldn't lose sleep over that in your place !

Do what you need to do to survive the next few weeks and don't feel bad about it. Your daughter asking for reassurance is perfectly normal and not due to something you did "wrong", she's trying to understand her place in the new family dynamic. You reassured her just as you should.

When I came home with DS2, my DS1 (then 19mo) burst out in tears :) he got over it and while still jealous (sharing is hard !) there are also utterly adorable moments with him helping his (now 1.5yo) younger brother to climb on the slide, or kissing him good night.

Be kind to yourself and relax your standards until DP is back.

You are doing fabulously well. I sometimes snooze and let my toddler watch tv on weekend mornings and I don't have a 5 week old and my husband isn't away for 2 weeks!! These weeks are best endeavours only, don't try to do anything more than keep them safe and fed. Your husband will come
Home and things will get easier

Oh god no, you’re doing fine. If you get into ‘bad’ habits with TV now, don’t worry about it. Plenty of time to cut back on it when both DC are a bit older and you’re getting some sleep and feeling more human. As long as your eldest isn’t playing with matches or crossing the motorway on their own, pretty much anything goes when you have a newborn!

Don’t worry about the iPad atm, just do what you need to survive. It won’t be long before they can play together. I’ve a 4 year and a 12 month old. All the four your old asks is can I play with baby, the response is often no she’s asleep and needs her sleep!

This sounds very hard. Could you book a babysitter for a few hours to give your 3yo some one-on-one attention? Or invite a friend with a similar-aged DC over to play with your DD while you're expressing?

You're doing your best and you're exhausted, please don't beat yourself up over a couple of weeks of too much TV .

You're doing great. TV won't do any harm especially over a short time while DH is away.

You're all adjusting, I'd ask DH to talk to work and see if someone else can do trips for a bit while you're all finding you're feet. If possible outsource some stuff and get some help.

Your baby is so new, you're doing ok and you will be ok

Exactly the same boat only DD is 11 weeks and DS is 3.5

Yesterday he asked me if I still love him and please will I love 2 babies not one.

Hang in there, I just keep reminding myself how much I love my siblings and would hate being an only child.

I also can't remember ever feeling pushed out or down the pecking order and tbh must of been because I'm one of five.

right here with you!

You are doing brilliantly. Absolutely nothing wrong with putting the TV on for your toddler. You are managing two very young children yourself at the moment. Just do what you can to get through the day. You are loving and caring for your children, that is all you need to do at the moment.
I have a 25 month age gap between mine, one is 3. 9 and the other 20 months. We have watched a fair bit of tele over the winter lockdowns, absolutely nothing wrong with either of them .
Good luck, you can do this.

You really aren't a bad mum at all. Please don't think that. My health visitor gave me some good advice. Just do whatever you need to do to get through the day.. Your children want to be with you.. A little more screen time in the first few months while you're orienteering into a new routine isn't going to hurt. There's plenty of time for wonderful day trips and exciting activities. You're doing just fine. You're hard on yourself because you care.. But you really don't need to be. X

I'm crying reading these responses, you're all so lovely and you've made me feel better, thank you. Tonight DD2 started with what I think is colic. Inconsolable crying from 6-9.30pm. We had DD1 nursery fete and so I had to hold and try to calm the baby while my older daughter was playing. I don't think she noticed too much as she was running around but again just couldn't devote time to her. She then melted my heart as when we got home she spent ages trying to calm the baby with a dummy and putting a blanket on her and giving her kisses and cuddles.

I know lll get through it but it's really challenging. I will bear in mind what a PP said, I absolutely adore my brother and would hate to be without him and I'm sure my girls will feel the same one day, fingers crossed!