Do you say anything to your kids about pedophiles?

[tex111]

This is a horrible, terrible subject but I would really like some advice. I'm a policeman's daughter and knew far too much from a very young age about the terrible things that can happen to children. My parents' approach was to frighten us in the hope that it would make us be 'safe' ie. not get into a car with a stranger, walk down alleys on our way home from school, etc, etc. I know that people who hurt children often tell the child that they, the abuser, will hurt or even kill the child's parents if the child tells anyone or that the parents will stop loving the child if they find out. My mother told me that, I assume to make sure that I wouldn't believe someone who said the same to me and would tell her if anything did happen.

Thankfully my brother, sister and I never had to deal with such a situation but my parents' approach left a very negative mark on all of us as far as trusting people and just generally being afraid and not feeling safe. I don't want to do that to my DS so what do I say, if anything at all? I really am at a loss.

DS is only two but he starts pre-school next year and it'll be the first time he's away from me on a regular basis. I think I'm worried about this because of my background but should I say anything to him about 'bad people', letting me know if someone is mean to him or anything like that? Any advice, tips, stories, suggested reading would be very much appreciated.

Hi Tex111. I'm sorry you got so much info as a child and you're quite right - too much too young can damage more than it helps.

We have recently had an attempted 'pick up' on the road outside my DS1s school where a man and a woman in a silver car offered a young girl a lift home. Luckily she was almost at her front door at the time and ran into the house. There was a similar incident at another school in the town a few days later.

The head teacher made an announcement to the assembly at the junior school (not sure about the infants) to warn children not to speak to strangers or get into their cars. They also had a community beat officer visit the school with "just say no" leaflets. Basically they advise the child that if they don't feel comfortable they say no (obviously) but normal rules don't apply. They're allowed to shout, scream, kick, punch, ANYTHING to get out of a situation they don't want to be in. I think sometimes the 'grown ups know best' can be a trap to get young children.

The actual information on the leaflet is very basic - it doesn't expressly say what an attacker can or will do, it simply says that if the child is not comfortable they should get out of the situation as soon as possible and any way possible.

I know it's hard when your little one will be away from you - I was just the same with both of mine (now aged 8 and 2). Perhaps it would be an idea to see if the pre-school could have a beat officer visit? It certainly helped my DS1, who seems to be naturally nervous about life in general(!), and they would have a lot of experience in how to word information for the age range involved.

Personally, I would just mention strangers to DS, but make sure he knows you don't mean the minders at the pre-school! As long as he's aware that mummy/daddy or teacher should be with him and he's not to go off on his own, that should be more than enough info for now.

I hope that's of some help, and please try not to worry too much. {{hugs}}

Just off the top of my head, tex (on my way to bed!) whatever you tell him do make sure he understands what you mean by "stranger" (if you use that word) or "bad person"; ie someone he doesn't know and shouldn't go with. I think often kids think a stranger looks strange or a bad person looks bad - just tell him he must never go anywhere with somebody without telling you first. It's a good rule of thumb and if anyone says "oh you don't need to bother your mum about this" it should set his alarm bells ringing but without having panicked him beforehand.

Hope this makes sense. Brain is very weary!

It is a very tricky subject.

My then almost 5 year old was lost on a beach in France for an hour this past summer. It was the 2nd most terrifying day of my life. I was there with my dad and his partner. They were combing the beach, as were the police and lifeguards, yet it still took an hour before she was found.

(I'm getting a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about it.)

All 3 of us were starting to think that someone had taken her, otherwise someone would have found this (we assumed) panicking, hysterical child. My dad and his partner were both high up in education before they retired and had dealt with abducted children cases, and although they didn't say anything to me at the time of course, they knew only too well what could happen.

After the longest hour of my life a woman took her into the police station. The reason we hadn't been able to find her as easily as we thought we might was that she wasn't crying or panicking at all. She had been happily playing by herself (including going for a swim in the ocean - she was soaked), and I don't think she even realised she was lost until just before we got her back.

The whole awful experience made me think about how much we should tell our kids. In this case all I've said to her is that the second we realised we didn't know where she was we told the police and everyone was looking for her so we knew she would be found, and also that if she is ever lost or in trouble again the best person to tell if she can see one is another woman with kids because she's a Mummy too and will know what to do.

I do need to have the stranger talk with her. She's very outgoing, friendly and trusting with strangers, which is a nice quality, but could be dangerous.

I'll be interested to hear everyone else's take on the subject.

Oh KTG and Dec how awful!

Dh had the stranger danger talk with ds1 when we moved here 3 months ago and as a consquence he was very aggressive when anyone, mainly other mothers in playgrounds, patted his head or even looked directly at him. It was most tedious for me for a few weeks but now he as settled down and I am very glad he knows about stranger danger.

As he will be doing a fair amount of running around naked on the beach we have also told him that only his immediate family are allowed to touch his will and then ONLY if helping him have a wee or a wash or dry.

I tell him that he must always stay where I can see him because if a naughty man takes him or a giant then I can't tell Thunderbirds, who would naturally come and resuce him, where he is.

I'm also going to tell him that no one apart from mum or dad is allowed to take pictures of him. Grisly thought, but that is where the majority of Paedo crime occurs these days.

And also tell him that he doesn't have to do anything he feels uncomfortable with at another adults hands no matter what they tell him, I think that evil threatening aspect that the family will be harmed is the worst.

And if there are any vile paedo trolls reading this rest assured you will never ever get your hands on our kids who are forewarned and therefore forearmed

Oh KTG and Dec how awful!

Dh had the stranger danger talk with ds1 when we moved here 3 months ago and as a consquence he was very aggressive when anyone, mainly other mothers in playgrounds, patted his head or even looked directly at him. It was most tedious for me for a few weeks but now he as settled down and I am very glad he knows about stranger danger.

As he will be doing a fair amount of running around naked on the beach we have also told him that only his immediate family are allowed to touch his will and then ONLY if helping him have a wee or a wash or dry.

I tell him that he must always stay where I can see him because if a naughty man takes him or a giant then I can't tell Thunderbirds, who would naturally come and resuce him, where he is.

I'm also going to tell him that no one apart from mum or dad is allowed to take pictures of him. Grisly thought, but that is where the majority of Paedo crime occurs these days.

And also tell him that he doesn't have to do anything he feels uncomfortable with at another adults hands no matter what they tell him, I think that evil threatening aspect that the family will be harmed is the worst.

And if there are any vile paedo trolls reading this rest assured you will never ever get your hands on our kids who are forewarned and therefore forearmed

I always remember there was an article in our local paper (ages ago now) about a spate of abductions of young girls. In the one incident a man in a car approached 2 10 yr old girls, saying their dad had asked him to pick them up from school. the one girl beleived him and was going to get into the car but the other more 'streetwise' girl questioned it and wouldnt let her friend get in the car. the man must have 'bottled' and drove off. I always thought it was an interesting scenario though and how we should emphacise the danger of strangers to an extenct. i also think it is good to teach children to look for anything suspicious regarding other children. My daughter has learning disabilities and is vulnerable and would be even more vulnerable if approached. In a way I would expect her class friends to look out for her more and thats why i think it is important to teach dangers without being too paranoid iykwim

which book was it, beety?

i don't use the word 'stranger' as it seems to confuse them. if they are lost/ become seperated from me i tell them to ask a lady with children to stand with them until i find them. i tell them not to go looking for me ..otherwise we can both be going round in circles. this covers the getting lost but not the abuse side which i haven't tackled in any great detail other than telling DD that some things are inappropriate; more with her behaviour than others eg. her bedroom is at the front of the house and she habitually gets undressed standing on her bed, light on, curtains open. she needs constant reminders to close the curtains. she's 8 btw

This is a coincidence, I was reading Anne Fine's book "Stranger Danger" with ds last night. He's five and I think it is aimed at slightly older children, but it is not frightening - much more it encourages the reader to think about scenarios when you can trust someone you haven't met before (lady in your classroom to do eye tests for example) and when it is better to stick to the rules. I'd recommend it, but maybe not for a pre-schooler.
KATG, it's interesting she was nearly five. As you say, you tend to assume that a child separated from its family at this age would realise it was a problem and either raise the alarm or panic. What a horrific experience for you all.
Tex111, one hears how your parents cast a shadow over your childhood, albeit with the best of intentions, and thinks - oooh, overkill. And then you read Beety's, Dec's and Kate's stories and you understand what made them do it. I often think being a police officer and a parent must be intolerably difficult at times with what they have to deal with professionally.
Like Suzy, we have the willy handling rules for ds, and we practice identifying "good" strangers and scenarios for "what ifs" when out and about. We have not said anything much about what could happen.

Thank you so, so much for this. I really have been at a total loss on this subject. I'll defnitely look for the books mentioned, if only to read myself right now and give me a base for talking to DS. Thanks so much for sharing your stories too.

Beety, I think that's my greatest fear of someone close to DS abusing him in some way. My heart goes out to you.

Dec, I like that approach that the rules don't apply when a child feels uncomfortable. We were taught that kind of thing in school in Texas but it was quiet heavy-handed. More along the lines of 'if you don't hurt them, they'll hurt you'. So awful that we have to think about these things at all.

this reminds me of hwen I talked about sranger danger to my daughter when she was about 5 or 6.I had just done the whole talk thing and then asked her ;
If a person in a car asked you if you wanted to see some puppies what would you do?

with little hesitation she said; "oh well yeh,I'd want to look at the puppies!"

Moral;Check what you child has taken in.

Tex111, you've made me think about a difficult subject. I'm a police officer and my DS. 3 1/2 yrs old is now very matter of fact about burglars and robbers and stranger dangers. He's very pro "what is right", embarrasingly so and maybe that's my fault, but no bad thing. I've done it at a pace, knowing my child, and knowing what sort of child he is. He's never had a bad dream in his life, nor is he scared of anything that I can tell. I level the amount of information at him at a pace of which he can handle. He's VERY mature for his age and very advanced. He's groing up to be very aware of the respect for other peopl's property and feelings and I'm very proud. I agree,, with some children it can be overkill. and TOO much. I am the ebst judge of my child and am NOT paranoid through my job. Just very responsible. I KNOW when something is too much for a child that age to handle. With my son, I have reached the right pitch I believe. My parents however, shielded me from "bad" all my life when I was growing up and I have paid dire psychological consequences.It's a tough call.

My biggest problem is, as JanH says, childrens' perception of a stranger or bad person is that they will be different to anyone in the street. I have told my children that a stranger will seem normal, be very nice to them, and won't look odd. It is their behaviour, but I don't think that they are mature enough to judge.
When I was young and even as a teenager or early twenties, several incidents occurred, and I think I probably had narrow escapes, accepting lifts with people I didn't know (who said that they knew me) etc.
Its very difficult to know how much to say, and you don't want them to be scared stiff to go anywhere.

This is a really tough topic. Mummyloves, I'm sure you know your child best and are doing what's right for him. I often wonder if my mother was abused in some way as a child because it was virtually an obsession with her. I remember once I didn't want to go to school (as kids sometimes do). Her immediate response was 'Have one of the teachers been touching you?' so not done with any kind of pace or sensitivity at all. It frightened me as I thought I was safe with my teachers up until that point. I think I was about 7 at the time.

I also remember once when my Dad was in charge of a kidnapping case and they found the little girl's body. Dad was off work and home alone with us. He couldn't find anyone to take us so my brother and I ended up sitting in the police car at the scene. I remember watching them carrying rubbish bags out of the woods and knowing that that little girl was in them. I was five and I think I remember it so well because she was the same age. Horrible, dreadful thing for anyone but so totally inappropriate for a child to see. You can see why it's really screwed me up.

I looked at Amazon and found the books that have been mentioned. I was surprised to see quite a selection of books on stranger danger and 'my body is mine' and other topics like that. Feel very relieved to have some support on this topic now. It's such an emotive one for me and I find it tough to discuss with friends in RL. Thanks so much.