Disrespectful 4 year old

[Hotdayinjuly]

My DS is 4 and behaviour is disrespectful and down right embarrassing. He throws tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants expects ‘something’ when we go into a shop. Calls me names hits, talks back and sticks his tongue out. Etc. Etc.

He can be sweet but he pushes my buttons so much. When I try and speak to him he does this loud screeching wail. I’ve recently separated from his dad and trying to make the most of our time but feel like I’m constantly telling him off or giving in to his demands.

Any tips?

Ignore the bad behaviour and try not to be embarassed while you do so

What are the consequences for him when he behaves like this?

Generally, the advice that worked for us was to name the behaviour eg it's not nice to demand things when we're shopping, warn what would happen if it continued so a consequence usually relates to the behaviour so maybe going home if they like shopping / no TV when we get home if they don't!).

Then the most important thing is to be absolutely 100% consistent about carrying through the threat as soon as they continue.

No second chances. No repeat warnings. Just instantly into consequence.

So be very careful that you are prepared to carry out the threat - however much it inconveniences you!!!

He’s 4! How does he know to ‘name call’

Ds used to demand stuff. Exh used to cave. I used to remove him from the shop and drive home.
He stopped very soon.
Threaten to take him home. Follow through. Keep your cool.

Don't threaten things you don't intend to carry out.

Forget your embarrassment. If he throws a tantrum in a shop or wherever - don't give in, whatever you do.

@Wideawakeandconfused

He’s 4! How does he know to ‘name call’

He's learned it from someone, possibly his dad since the OP says they've recently split up.

Hmn, the disrespectful, embarrassing, presses my buttons bit of your post makes me think you're thinking of DS as 'being bad' rather than communicating something.

You've just broken up with his dad, that makes him think things that were definite are not, he's going to play up to test you and express his sense of anger and hurt.

That doesn't mean you need to accept him acting like this or feel guilty for separating but know that he's probably feeling mixed up and doesn't know how to tell you.

Stay calm, apply consequences, and to be honest I'd avoid shops with him if you can, for a while. Fresh air and exercise might help him release some tension.

Stand your ground, don’t buy anything when out and naughty step or in his room once home

@Wideawakeandconfused

He’s 4! How does he know to ‘name call’

My 2yo name calls with 'silly', 'stupid' etc, it's not hard to learn, is it?

Yes today I drove home from the shop as I warned before going in and it result in a tantrum.

Consequences don’t seem to work id I say no tv/ iPad there’s another tantrum then what?

I try and call him on it but it doesn’t seem to be making an impact. I just sound like a broken record. Some suggestions say ignore it others say call it out every time.

I’m going to get a new routine once the holidays are over and reduce the opportunity for flare ups by meal planning and reducing the need to shop with them with me. I just feel like I must be doing a terrible job as seems so full of anger.

You’re not doing a terrible job, you have a wilful child- some are worse at 2 others 3 others 4. They do grow out of it if consistent and firm

I try to avoid shops with my youngest daughter as she’s at an age where she wants everything she sees and gets in a strop when I say no. Not always possible to avoid shopping together I know but definitely try to cut down if shops are a trigger point.

Personally I follow the time in philosophy for dealing with tantrums rather a time out one. Tantrums at this age are a sign of emotional or physical overload and I’ve always found that trying to deal with them using punishments just escalates things.

You’ve just separated from his dad, it’s going to be a difficult transition for all of you. He’s four so he has the emotional control of a four year old, don’t take his behaviour personally. He’s telling you he’s having a hard time but doesn’t have the ability to communicate that coherently so he’s doing it through tantrums and hitting. I wouldn’t do any “punishments”. If he needs to be removed from a place or situation then do that but whether he watches tv or not when you get home has nothing to do with anything.

Don’t let him hit you or anyone else, hold his arms and calmly tell him you won’t let him hurt people and you’ll let go when he’s ready to stop or redirect to hitting a cushion or kicking a ball or something to release that energy.

He’s not in control of tantrums, sit with him until it passes then give him a cuddle, tell him you’re glad he’s feeling better then get on with your day.

Name calling and sticking out tongue I’d ignore if he’s being silly or say “it sounds/looks like you’re feeling grumpy/frustrated/cross, can I help?” When you’ve dealt with whatever is going on then you can tell him that you don’t like to be called names and ask him to say “I’m feeling cross” next time so you know he needs some help or understanding. That will take a lot of practice for him but he’ll get there.

Demanding things is fine, you don’t have to give in or enter into an argument about it. Just let him know you hear and understand him and hold firm that it’s not something you’ll be buying today. When my youngest went through a phase of asking for toys all the time I’d take a picture of what she was asking for so we’d remember it when her birthday came around. I ended up with a large album on my phone filled with (mostly crap!) toys but it did often come in handy at present buying time! And it made it much easier for her to leave a shop full of things she liked.

And go easy on yourself too, breakups are hard and you’re only human. When you’re in the middle of stuff like this it can be easy to catastrophize but you will both be ok. He’s still your lovely boy.

Also use positive reinforcement - "if you are good at the shops then we will go to the swings on the way home." Notice when he behaves well and reward it. My kids used to love getting stamps on their hands! Would something like that work for him? Every shop you go in and he behaves he gets a hand stamp? If he gets say 3 or 5 (depending on how much you have to do) then he gets a small treat?

How much ipad use does he have?

Having this with DS at the moment although he’s 5 so a bit older. We’ve started being tougher on him, taking away privileges etc. It’s starting to work but still having moments. We had a wonderful day out at the zoo last week and he had a screaming fit on the way home because he didn’t get a toy on the way home. Refused to apologise. Said it was the WORST DAY EVER!! I felt mortified but he had beans on toast for tea instead of the special treat pizza and an early night. He was still scowling at me the morning after. It’s just a phase where they like to test the boundaries.

As a teacher working with children that age, I always found that children become the child you treat them as. So even with the most challenging children, if you treat them as though they are lovely dream children then that's what they will become (or at least slightly closer to it...). Lots of praise for the smallest bit of 'good' behaviour, positive reinforcement, giving them responsibilities etc. It's difficult to change your mindset to start, but children really pick up on our emotions and it's easy to get into a negative spiral.

Also wanting things at the shop is where the really peppy voice comes in
“Do you want that, shall we add it to your bday list/ Xmas list? Shall we tell daddy? What a good idea”

I taught mine "I want, never gets" so if we went in a shop and started pestering they knew the answer would be no. If they didn't pester then I'd often buy them a treat so as to reinforce the no pestering. Tantrums stop when they realise they don't work so never give in to a tantrum get them outside and contained and ride it out. My dd has a moveable naughty corner for dgs which is basically anywhere she chooses to point to and appropriate. Quite often a raised eyebrow and pointing out the naughty corner is enough to get dgs to stop and reconsider.

Tantrums stop when they realise they don't work
My 4yo is obviously a very slow learner I've never in his life given in to a tantrum but he is a small angry boy.

Some children have developed decent impulse control by 4. Some (like my DS) are still learning to appropriately deal with their anger and frustration. OP your son has this plus the real confusion from his parents separating; subconsciously he is probably scared you will leave like his father has.

@3ormorecharacters has some good advice in her post, the other thing is to try to model calmness and consistency. I don't do punishments; for DS not getting the thing he's stropping about is punishment in itself from his point of view. Sometimes naming the problem and his feelings is enough to solve the matter (eg you really wanted a Kinder egg, you're very cross that you can't have one). I will physically move him away from me if he hits. I will say "it is fine to be angry, it is not fine to hit/be rude".

Its a long slow process but I don't think there's a quick fix. Good luck.

4 is a tough age. We seem to go two relatively happy, smooth and tantrum free weeks and then 2 weeks where we have lots of tantrums, rudeness and whining. It’s mainly directed to be, rather than anyone else. It’s hard. I wish I had an answer