Is this normal?

[NilPoisDrama]

DP son just turned 8. Known him since he was 6, he has always been a bit cheeky but increasingly rude as of late. Hate to say it, but is he spoilt?!

I don’t even know if I’m posting looking for an opinion or some advice. DP & I had covid a few months ago and couldn’t see DP’s son during that time, him & ex co-parent so she had him for about 2 weeks(usually they split 3/4 days at a time). When he came back to us, it was as if he was a different boy. He was so rude and didn’t use any manners, he was really agitated all the time, shaking, crying, saying he felt sick. Finding excuses not to do anything, eg. Go outside to play, eat a plate of food. Suddenly he was car sick, without vomiting. Constantly worried he was going to vomit, although hasn’t done since he was about 3, so the fear is irrational. We’ve both spoken and spoken to him about it and tried to soothe but he’s still feeling this way a couple months on.

Usually he is a good little boy, but DP IMO spoils him to no end. Every time they go into town they end up in a toy shop, we went on holiday and had to search the town for a toy shop. He is constantly buying for him, but we have no more room in the house. Without being too outing, he’s recently had 6 new toys, in the ball park of £100-200 each. He’s not even appreciating them, playing for about 20mins then bored and pulling another toy out.

Today, we have an activity booked, it’s a physical activity and something we’ve all wanted to do together. Yesterday DP son said he’s hurt his leg and cannot go today, he’s been crying to DP about it and we’ve tried to cancel although no guarantee we will get money back (£80). DP son has been absolutely fine until the realisation of the car journey and that he didn’t want to go (was kicking the ball, jumping on his leg, running absolutely fine).

DP said he is going to be gutted if he can’t get money back because we can’t afford to not have it. But then said to son, “we can go to the toy shop instead” I said to DP, does he really need to go to the toy shop, he’s got loads. DP said he has his own money to spend ?!

AIBU to not want to spend my effin day off in yet another toy shop????

I’ve also explained that if these fears/ worries aren’t addressed he is going to have extreme anxiety growing up, he worries about EVERYTHING but never used to be like this. I’m worried the more he is being mollycoddled the worse he is going to get, or he’s always going to fall back on dad with money worries etc, I know he’s only 8 but it’s a worry for me, especially as we’re TTC.

It sounds as if something has happened to him that has caused sudden onset of anxiety specifically related to being in a car. Has your dp asked his ex if there was an incident? Was there a near miss in a car for example? Did he see a car crash?

How is he at his mums? What has she said about his recent change in behaviour? I'm not sure I would be focussing on "mollycoddling" a young child who is displaying such anxiety , crying, sobbing,shaking, feeling sick and so on. Has he seen a doctor?

if these fears/ worries aren’t addressed

what do you mean by "addressed"? It sounds like you think there is a magic wand that someone should be waving to sort this out.

There isn't

Minor point: if you "can't afford to not have it" (the money) then that's the case whether you do the thing or not. If it's leaving you short then it shouldn't have been spent at all.

Would it be possible to move any of the toys out of sight and see if they get asked for? (loft, garage, locked shed) Then if you're really skint maybe try selling them on.

As for your actual problem: it does sound as if he's really anxious about something. Maybe to do with the two of you having been ill? It sounds like you recovered ok but a lot of the media coverage has been potentially very scary for a child. Have you asked his mum what he was like during those two weeks?

He sounds awfully unhappy - I'm not sure I'd be worried about him being spoiled or annoyed about going to toy shops when he seems so incredibly anxious. Did something happen when he was away for two weeks? Has your DP asked him?

I could have written this post. My 8yo had to self isolate for two weeks without me and when they came back in hey we’re so unsettled. Couldn’t sleep. Tearful. Anxious. Moody.

I think for children who are coparented, to suddenly have that taken away must be extremely unsettling. And how do they know it won’t happen again at any given time.

It took weeks and weeks for my DC to settle back into life again.

It’s frustrating as a parent but it sounds like this child just needs security and stability and some control back in their life.

Thank you all for your responses.

I’m fully aware there isn’t a “magic wand” @54321nought I have suffered with my own mental health in the past, however, his worries and concerns seem to be ‘brushed under the rug’ and neither are really taking it seriously. E.g. ‘it’s just a phase’ ‘stop being so silly’

On one hand I completely agree because when he is shaking, it’s extremely ‘put on’ but I don’t think the way they are dealing with it are making it any better.

DP son still sleeps in the bed with his mum (he has his own room) and has done for the last 2 years so doesn’t settle some nights here, which leads to the shaking and crying.

The anxiety re: car we have spoken about and there was an incident where one of his cousins felt car sick and since he is in fear of vomiting. Will refuse to eat a full meal in fear of being sick, so therefore only eats a small portion of his food and both parents say that’s fine, he’s then snacking all night on sweets etc. Does this in both houses.

Any aspect of adult life atm his mum is telling him, so he is fretting on her part too. As an example DP sent her a message the other day that was worded wrong and sounded that DP son would miss out on seeing friends one weekend, she told DP son immediately that he wasn’t seeing friends, then realised it was the next weekend anyway.

If he his spoilt it’s not his fault. It’s normal for a child to want to play with familiar toys.

There has been lots in media over the last 18 months about people dying from covid. He will be full aware that people can die from covid and may have thought his Dad was going to die.

He might benefit from play therapy. Maybe his parents might look into that for him.

Just another point but it might be more beneficial for your dp to learn about parenting. I’m not able to point to any resources but maybe other wiser posters might have suggestions.

There’s been a lot of research on parenting styles and in a nutshell you want to be the right amount of warmth and control. If you have too much control and not enough warmth you end up being authoritarian. Warm but too little control and you end up being permissive (which is where your dp is). Too little warmth and too little control is neglect.

The sweet spot is being warm and nurturing with sensible firm boundaries/rules and consequences. It gives children a good base of safety. Psychologists call it authoritative (which like a lot of psychological terms is confusing because it sounds too much like authoritarian)

A child with anxiety needs to feel safe and calling all the shots and having an adult falling over themselves to keep you happy is not a safe feeling. It’s far too much responsibility for a child. Your dp really needs to step up here and sort himself out (he’s probably over compensating for guilt and possibly reacting to his own experience of being parented). I’m sure he would expect training in his job, or look up a you tube video if he was doing diy, and parenting is far more important.

In terms of anxiety, the latest research suggests that we need to distinguish between supporting and accommodating. Simply put, when a child is afraid of doing something, accommodation is allowing them not to and support is helping them get the courage to do it (by listening and taking them seriously, and reminding them of their strengths and previous success or showing that you believe they can do it). There is always a bit of both going on, because sometimes you need some accommodations but you have to think of those as temporary aids, not long term solutions. It’s still new research so there isn’t a lot of resources for parents but google “space program eli lebowitz” and have a read.

Just to add that research shows that even one parent who is consistently authoritative benefits children. Obviously it’s better if both are, and are on the same page. It would be better for your dp to focus on improving his parenting style (which he can do something about) than focus on what the child’s dm is doing wrong (because he can’t do anything about that)

Ahhh @thelegohooverer I actually think I could cry, you’ve got it to a T, and both parents are as you’ve described which is always putting me in an awkward position as I feel that I’m telling DP how to parent or that he needs to set boundaries better and be more authoritative.

I sometimes find myself getting so worked up about DP son and lack of respect but as you’ve said if DP isn’t modelling it, he has to make his own decisions.

A lot of what’s going on is down to parenting on both mum & dad and I really think it’s been getting worse over the last 6 months or so. I don’t know if they feel they are in competition or something because it’s all very sudden but really makes me worry as DP will parent our child in future and I don’t want to be the ‘nasty parent’.

I’m going to look in to what you’ve said and the theory behind it and how finest to facilitate. You are wonderful and thank you so much ☀️

And that is in no way shaming my DP because he is absolutely wonderful and is an amazing dad, maybe it’s just the summer holidays and we’ve had him a lot more this summer and he is pushing boundaries. e.g eating in front of the tv and not at the dinner table, having later nights and just being rude. I guess it’s up to DP to rein it in, just frustrating when we’re all in the same house and rules I give are open to discussion when it suits and it’s undermining what we’re doing together, resulting in lack of respect for me- this has never been a problem.

Thank you all for your replies 😊