What did you want to hear as a new mum/parent?

[Sunshinebuttercup]

My best friend has recently had her first baby (6 weeks old now) and I've been trying to send her regular messages to check in as I know she was feeling quite overwhelmed. I've not got children yet (7 months pregnant myself) so I just wondered how I can help and say the right things? I don't want to overly use positive affirmations as they don't seem to be meaningful and it may come across like I'm not understanding or empthasing and I'm wary of giving any advice at all because 1) I don't know anything useful having not got there yet and 2) I don't want to come across as patronising. I've also sent her a few pick me up gifts in the post like little postbox snacks to cheer her up etc. Am I doing the right thing?

What did you want to hear hear you were a new parent? Did anyone say anything that really stuck with you that you now say to other new mums?

It’s hard to say genuine things if you haven’t seen her in person but I guess I like people saying my baby was gorgeous!

Ask sincerely about her. I had one friend who just pestered for pictures of the baby, which made me feel completely unwanted. Having said that, I'm not a baby person, and though I live DD, I did think she (like every newborn in my opinion) looked like an angry potato.

Ask about her, as well as the baby.

Send food!! Not cakes, biscuits and snacks, but actual ready meals that just need to be warmed up.

‘You’re a natural’
Especially if she seems to be struggling

One of my best mates, who lives at the other end of the country so couldn't visit, sent a Cook meals hamper. It was such a thoughtful gift!

Otherwise - baby is gorgeous, baby is thriving, you look like a happy mum, etc. The usual. Hard to say more than that without knowing the mum! (Or, indeed, the baby.)

at angry potato though. Very true!

I would ask how she is. I often only got messages from my friends asking how the baby was and felt like nobody cared how I was (I was struggling!) so it’s nice when people ask how you are for a change.

Just make general conversation with her as a person as you would have before. Especially if you see her online in the middle of the night — perhaps you’re up with pregnancy insomnia — ask if she fancies a chat.

Thanks for your feedback! @Vicky1989x sorry to hear you were struggling. If you don't mind me asking, what helped you? Was there anything anyone said or did that helped? My friend has been quite open about struggling at times and it being really tough and I just want to able to help her

You sound like an amazing friend.

If you have seen them together, or pictures of them together, tell her that her baby is clearly so content with her and/or clearly adores her. All I wanted when I was at that stage was to know that my baby liked me and wanted me around, and it's so hard to tell when they're that young!

Ask about the feeding and nights, be sympathetic. Say you'll be asking her for advice a few months down the line. The baby is beautiful, pick up on a characteristic, like even features etc.

Tell her she's she's doing a good job.
Sending treats is really nice, I really
Appreciated things I could eat 😂

Also tell her the baby looks like her, I don't think it's very nice to just hear that baby looks like the dad when you're the one who's gone through all the shit! (That one could just be me tho 😂)

Also, if you can go and see her do, it can be very very lonely xx

The most useful thing I heard was on a podcast I forget the name of. A woman said "New motherhood is overwhelming, thats okay, let yourself feel overwhelmed and don't feel bad or beat yourself up for it"

In hindsight, I wanted someone to tell me that it's OK not to find early babyhood wonderful or magical. The first 3 months with DS were probably the worst 3 months of my life. He never slept, he screamed all the time, the feeding was a nightmare, I had recurrent mastitis, and DH was going through a really challenging time at work. There was nothing 'wrong', I wasn't depressed, it was just utterly exhausting and basically shit. And I wanted someone to avoid the platitudes and tell me that that's totally fine. It didn't last. I now have two wonderful children, and after those first few months I loved their baby and toddlerhood.

Ask about her and how she's doing. After DC1 I often wanted to talk about other stuff so a good chat about a TV program or some pointless celeb gossip. Babies take up so much brain space it's actually nice to not have to think or talk about them for 5 minutes.

I actually have no answer, I don’t know what I wanted to hear when I had my children. I do love when someone says they look like me even tho they are the spitting image of dad!

Other than that, maybe chit chat not related to baby always and some funny memes now and again perhaps.

Gosh I’m really bad at this

You sound like a fab friend!

Always ask about her first, not the baby. Everyone asks about the baby but sometimes mum needs to know she still matters (and she does!)

I agree above about telling her “you’re such a natural”, it was so lovely when people said this to me, even though I didn’t feel it. My MIL actually told me “don’t worry we can’t all be naturals” after DS1, and it’s never left me.

Also it really pepped me up when people would say “you’re such a lovely mum”

Chat about general things too, like you would pre babies. Sometimes even now I wish someone would talk to me about something other than the kids!

Also wholeheartedly agree with PP that newborns look like angry potatoes.

Remind her that although things are tough right now, every situation is temporary. You sound like a great friend - just listen to her and encourage her to ask for help when she needs it.

Ask how she is as much asking how her new baby is. Tell her she's doing well. And that everything is a phase! What I would have liked to hear the most as a new mum is ' I'll take the baby for a walk for an hour while you have a bath/sleep/eat chocolate'

@Sunshinebuttercup just anyone who offered to take my DD for a walk so I could rest or to do a feed (she was bottle fed but had awful reflux so feeding was a nightmare). Things like that helped me a lot.

You sound like a brilliant friend 🙂

I would say ask her how she is and talk to her about normal stuff. Sometimes it can feel a bit like you don't exist anymore because everyone is so focused on the baby.

I went through some really dark times and I can never be more grateful for the people who were consistently there for me. There was nothing they could do to help really, but just knowing they really cared helped a lot.

Someone said to me “gosh you’re learning so much so quickly” and it made me feel a bit more accomplished! I also agree with pp - what I wanted to hear was someone saying “let me hold DD for an hour while you go stare at your phone ”

The things that really made me feel reassured and emotional was when people just told me how well I was doing. How happy and thriving my son is and how's it's all down to my hard work, etc. Just tell her how fantastic she is doing
General encouragement really really made a difference for me.

Like a lot of other PPs, it was the people who said I was doing a good job or "you're a natural" who made me want to weep with relief. I was so full of doubt in those early weeks, and still learning to trust myself with this bewildering new baby. Any reassurance that I wasn't making a total mess of it was like music to my ears!

You sound like a very thoughtful, lovely friend.

I didn't really want to hear anything in particular when I was struggling, just listening is more helpful. Also practical stuff like brining food (biscuits or cooked meals) and offering to just sit and hold the baby while I showered.

No-one wants advice, especially from someone who hasn't experienced it (that also goes for friends with babies who didn't struggle). Just ask her how she feels and listen without judgement.